Complex #5 - progress and throwbacks

[Mozza]

So ok I need a plan you said. What do you mean by that Mozza?

I talked about it earlier and even started a list for you. DR is structured to give you a plan if you take notes while reading it. It will give you a longer perspective, a way to get through the daily challenges with a purpose. It would be a very good use of your time to pull pen and paper and open DR from the start. Unless you have already done that, of course.

[Complex]

Thanks Mozza. I'll get on it tonight.

I just saw an attorney/mediator. It scared the shot out of me...for one single reason: it is wayyy too easy. Our case is simple, all split 50/50, done. 3 hour mediation, 3500$ and 6 months later we could be divorced. Feels like buying an iPod. Way too easy. Made ver scared and anxious.


Hey Starsky, what do you think about the 'honesty' of my W? I know you are very skeptic, but we have to honor that it seems like she was among the more honest WAW's around here and I pushed her away more through huge mistrust, which is human and very understandable. And of course it's way more 'complex' than this. But it factored in my sitch recently.

My parents are so freaking mad, what can I do? My whole family seems to hate my W now. Although I tried hard no to disrespect her in front of them. They are good people, traditional, loving, hard working people. I see where they are coming from, but it hurts even more to see them all suffering for me.

[Complex]

I feel better somehow, but the clearer my mind gets the more am I thinking that how all this went down, I should just get the hell out of here...
I love her for who she is, but all she does is WAW protocol so far. And if a person can not reflect on what she's doing and then act upon it, valuing commitment, not actively deciding to cheat and lie and at least honor and try with an open heart with patience and honesty, seeking for support, open minded and with respect and also forgivness for what I did wrong and see the will to change and value the effort....then this is not a person that I can be happy with. As hard as it is.
I saw a different person, I know there IS a different person inside her. Everyone saw it. Her family knows there is and she knows it too. But she made a decision and she has to live with it.
From here on all I can do is be myself, be a better myself, be loving and respectful. Pray for her and myself and let history take its course.
But the realization of the truth is hurtful. The truth that I eventually made a wrong major decision in my life. Maybe I can save our friendship one day, but that is unsure. Because I don't want to do anything anymore...SHE HAS TO!!!

[Complex]

I wish I could tell her exactly what I just wrote

[Wet]

What you wrote ^^^ is nice. Peace.

[DaddyLongShanks]

I wish I could tell her exactly what I just wrote

Well you can't. You know you need to be so focused on what you are doing and people who care about you that you no longer get thoughts like this.

[Complex]

I like this thought tho. Because it's the truth, and it helps me detaching.
Went to the therapiat today. Not sure if she's very good. She is a good person, good listener, observer etc. but I don't know, are therapists generally giving practical advice of what I can do to overcome certain things? Or maybe my expectations are too high?

I want to achieve 3 main goals for myself through IC:
1) Get more energy/motivation for myself to do the things I want
2) Get over my controlling issues
3) Stop living in the past or the future but in the now and be less hard on myself

Those three should lead to getting over my depression and being able to live my life more happily like I used to.

Is that too much to ask for a therapy? I know it's a long term thing too...

[Complex]

Reading Starsky's and Trains amazing posts about the "letting go speech" and Plan B" I think it fits in my sitch.

So, in my sitch I actually feel like Plan C, haha. Plan A is starting a R with OM in the future after D. Plan B is "staying alone forever" (W's words), staying single, career and enjoy life.
Obviously no one wants to be Plan B and even less Plan C. Should make my letting it go even easier. Who wants to be Plan C........

I think giving her a I'm letting go speech is a great idea. I'm
Not going to rush in it and find my own words, although you can almost copy most parts, plus timing is crucial a) for wife to be in reception mode and b) me on my a game in the means of not being too nervous, focused and calm.

[Mozza]

The following quote is from a different forum on infidelity. A WAH who's now back with his LBW wrote an account of his whole sitch, with the hindsight. He's saying the same thing that sandi2 and all other vets are saying but that doesn't seem to get to you.

"It is a truism that you can't reason with a person deep in an A. You can't "nice" them back. It did not work for my W. One other point I rarely see on here. You can't get them back through violence, threats, bad behavior etc. I know this because my W did this too. I'm not sure who invented the 180, but it seems like it would be the best course."

The 180 mentioned here is the equivalent of DBing: letting go, focus on yourself, etc. You constantly come back to the idea that you can talk your way out of this. You confront your WAW, you want ot write a letter, then you want to make a speech. You imagine that your WAW is sometimes in "reception mode". You're wasting precious time, you're getting into more trouble.

Went to the therapiat today. Not sure if she's very good. She is a good person, good listener, observer etc. but I don't know, are therapists generally giving practical advice of what I can do to overcome certain things? Or maybe my expectations are too high?

I was also hoping for a quick relief in the beginning. I wasted a lot of sessions describing the actions of WAW. It's only recently, after ome 15 sessions, that I've allowed my therapist to discuss the core issues of my personality. It has finally had the impact I was hoping for, as I feel I understand myself and I'm working on changes. Don't expect quick tips to help you in the long run.

[4mendmj]

Neat words mozza on counselling. How many ic sessions have I wasted recounting every moment my w was gone? As if to justify to her that I wasn't crazy...that someone trained could say she was nuts too. I like the forward looking talk.

Complex, you and I have simply got to give up the magic bullet dreams. I have seen lots of "I will if you will" bets on here. Complex,I bet you starsky will call you out before me on trying for a magic bullet...Wanna bet friend? (Trying to have fun only )

It is time for us complex. Even if for a few weeks, fake it till yah make it...are you in? No magic bullet, no speech, no email, just us for us