Quote: MPT, you are a genius! Thank you for that post! I believe that is what I'm reaching for in my therapy sessions and the way you put it, it seems silly that H and I should be shelling out $$$ to get there (as slowly as we are). Why did it take your post for me to *see* this?
Hey Aquarian, Feel free to send some of the $$ my way if you really liked what I had to say. I won’t mind. Wish I could take full credit for the idea, but it comes from several wise people in my life.
Seriously, I hope that approach works as well for you as it does for us. It really does turn the whole thing around. It’s energizing. It also has the extra benefit of giving your HD spouse more of what he wants than the self-sacrificing, “I’m doing it for you” approach, (hereafter referred to as IDIFY.)
When I first found this site, I was in the place you and Corri are now. I’d been having regular, frequent sex with my H, for his sake for several months. I was feeling resentful. I felt I was the one putting in all this effort. I was losing my motivation. I found the site when I was looking for ways to increase my libido so that I would want sex the way I used to. The book SSM didn’t really provide the kind of information I was hoping for, although I got some useful stuff out of it. It isn’t really written for that purpose.
It isn’t surprising the first approach an LD spouse would take is the IDIFY. Afterall, the request comes in as “I’m unhappy. Take care of my needs, make me feel loved and desired. Do it for me if you really love me.” Even the book presents it from this angle. So that’s what the LD person does. But that doesn’t really work for long before the HD spouse says, “That’s not what I really want.” And the LD spouse is thinking, “I give so much and it’s still not good enough! Why do I always have to be the one putting in all the effort for him/her. I’m not getting what I need either!” Then the ledger book opens up.
The IDIFY approach also leaves the HD person in a position of “owing” the LD person something. It doesn’t give them an ego-boost. The person who gets to feel good about themselves is the LD person, ‘cause they’re doing so much for the sake of their spouse. It doesn’t even sustain the LD person indefinitely and without potentially building resentment, especially if the LD person sees no corresponding effort from the HD spouse. And they will need to see that effort to sustain the IDIFY approach. But that keeps the ledger book open.
So now that you’ve decided to get sex back into your life, do it as much for yourself as for your spouse. You’ll become a person who is in control of your sexuality, without being HD or LD. You will no longer be at the mercy of your libido. And you will have another pathway to feeling connected to your spouse. The more pathways the better.
Its like taking a course just for the purpose of learning, not the grade. You just can't lose with this approach!
You can take all of this and flip it on its head for the HD person showing a true interest in their spouse in ways other than sex. It's not just about LD and sex. When they approach this with the idea that there is a real benefit to their own growth and development, then they will begin to put in the self-motivated, sustained effort that it takes. They’ll want to explore new ways and depths of knowing their spouse and finding out how their own life can grow as a result. The criteria for success will be developing more pathways to feeling connected to their spouse and growing within themselves, not more sex. (And the added benefit is that the "LD" spouse will start getting more of what it is s/he really wants from their spouse. Not a tit for tat (no pun intended, maybe ) exchange, but real interest.)
There’s more than one way to get out of the “Center of the Universe” seat. Its not just about looking at what another person seems to need and trying to put them before yourself. It’s about being open to new experiences and new ways of looking and thinking about things. It’s about wanting to get out of the ever so comfortable seat and wanting to explore new aspects of yourself and your spouse!! You can’t do that sitting in the same place day in and out, looking at the world through the same old lenses.
Wish I could take full credit for the idea, but it comes from several wise people in my life.
You just can't lose with this approach!
