May your,

[edz]

Well we shall see what happens with the tone wont we

Why odd out of interest? I can understand the fear, I'd say yes definitely breathe, relax and let go of expectations both positive and negative.

Just be the real you, the one we see when you're in full Gg flow on here, no sane guy will not react to that

[Ggrass]

Your right edzs, they do react.

It's good I can See the twitching and the fear. Before I never felt fear, not at all. A little in the r, but it was the whole r h was destablising.

He stated I wanted to leave for about 4 years, I've been trying to leave you for 4 years.

Given that's when he needed me to tell him how to be a grown up, I believe that to be true. He took the list of deal breaker I had given him over time and ticked each one off.

I thought no grown man could defend those actions, when they knew they would not tolerated them committed against them.

The whole deal breakers thing is what makes me hesitant, the fact someone who said they cared, could use your most intimate non neg to hurt you and in effect punish you.

But it's why I'm so determined unlike h xw, I will make life better. I will be married again.
H xw seems to find blokes who want her to fix and support them $ wise, she has never regained her value in her.

[Ggrass]

The odd bit, well it's like he had to explain to me why he had not come in at normal time.

It's a little, odd also he tends to avoid the questions on a fb chat. Lots of people are more open in fb, as it's less personal. He's hasnt really given any personal details part from basic family siblings etc. Seems keen but hesitant.

Trying to figure out what gossipy neighbour has said, cute dude says " nothing"
Neighbour is not known for saying " nothing"
Asking questions isn't getting me very far with him.
(Which was h totally) you could ask then later have a rewritten history version trotted out.
I told you x, why didn't you know. When In fact h said y or nothing.

It's feelike like a smoke and mirrors. More of the same....
Shrugs I still find knowing what's real tough.

[edz]

I think its an easy trap to fall into - jumping to a new relationship but that closely resembles the last one. Factor in doing that after rejection or relationships failing and no work being done on "your"self and I think thats how people dont get to move on to happier relationships.

For me thats the positive on DBing, will w come back? Well, only she knows that at the moment. May be I move on before she decides what she wants to do, maybe we both do and come back together. Right now Im not going to drive myself insane running the possabilities. DBing has got me to look at the issues *I* had and can change and have or are doing so. That way whoever comes into my life, be that w or someone new (and I know I do want someone there to share with but I wont *need* them to be there in the same way now) I have a much better chance of not repeating the same sitch.

Indeed I've read time and again of spouses rage making them hurl back something said against someone they "loved" I couldnt do that, it would just break something intrinsic in me and I cant get into the mindset of those who do.

It will all come in time Gg (and no that wasnt me lowering the tone )

I think the idea is to spot troublespots without fearing them to see potential issues and problems without attempting to fix them and to aknowledge compromise and work toward it without surrendering your own values and needs totally. Well thats what I'll try to do moving on anyway

[edz]

On the odd bits. Mmmm I can see where you're coming from, may just be he's a private person but yes I can see why that would be a concern to you right now.

My advice would be, yes, be mindful of it and certainly dont move on until you do feel comfortable with it. Maybe use that wicked humour of yours to ask if he's a secret agent and this is a cover story or similar, relax and be you keep in mind no expectations which Im going to have made into a t-shirt I think

[edz]

...And its after 11

[Ggrass]

Yeah, you do see the whole repeat r time after time.

Our s haven't done any work, so how likely do you think a different out come?

I don't think anything will be different. They don't know what works. The don't know what doesn't.

I can see stuff better, but I'm unsure how to do differently. I tryed quite a lot of stuff, but if the ic is right. Then nothing ever works with a narc, as they just operate outside normal.

But those us that suffer abuse do so because we allow it.
The trick is unlearning the allowing of abuse.

[Ggrass]

I know, no early shift. But need to feed hounds and tub. Getting home later tonight makes it hard to meet my 11pm deadline.

[edz]

It's difficult, I have no time or patience for those that abuse and like others I often wondered why do people stay? However the answer is that it may not seem like abuse at the time or may be an accepted norm or may be that theres no options seen. I'd never try to talk to some of the things people go through as I havent been there but I can understand it to a degree.

Was I in an abuse situation at being ignored in my M? No, not in the same way of course, but I still let it go on and on and on for years until I started to flip out and retreat into myself. I wasnt "abused" as such but I still allowed myself to be unhappy and feel unloved and divert that frustration into retreating and not bonding with my s. It's that easy to just "live" with things. I try not to patronise on this since I havent been in those situations had w been violent or demeaning would I have stayed? I have to concede yes probably, since I love her and would think this was transient and/or I could change her and/or she didnt mean it. Honestly though, I wasnt in that position and I didnt experience it.

Gg you're strong and you recognise what you want, you will find someone who deserves you just keep going and relax and no, dont allow anyone to ever reduce your worth, as I've said before, you're fab

[Ggrass]

I never understood it, untill I lived it.

Trauma bonding makes the bonding stonger over time. And it's not every min of every day. It's massive incidences. These people are masters of making out because they didn't hit, it's not abuse.

But a one off, fit of rage or temper in which they lost all control making the, human making "mistakes".
They uses other to re Inforce the message like h letting brother and s25 to joke about your faults in a way if you object your the bad guy thus the circle continues.

They make you responsible for everything they feel. They set up no win situations.
They ask you meet x need then, when you try, it's not right for a million reasons.

Like a poker machine it's pays off just enought to make you think things are ok.

They keep your focus on the small picture and frame the abusvie bits as love and care.
The anger when you stand up for your boundary is about I was protecting you because I care. They need you to be concilary for it to work. For you to want to fix and work harder on the r.

And you think if you work harder the good times will return.