Susana (4) - Do you have to be confusin'?

[Sotto]

Hi Susana. Yes it sounded like a positive evening! And that's good rather than otherwise, but as you say things remain uncertain. It's always best not to wonder too much and to bring your mind back to you and the person you want to become....with or without H in the picture.

The future of your marriage will be decided in some way and at some point....As V loves to say...no doubt all will unravel in good time...

Thanks for your comments on my thread too - much appreciated! :-)

[Cadet]

I just have this gut feeling that the next few days/weeks are going to be really crucial in my sitch.

Is that what you want to happen?

Here is my thoughts about it.

YOU are the one that gets to decide in THE END about what will happen in your sich.
If you have not yet gotten to decide then it is not yet THE END.

Glad your date went well,
don't read too much into it.
Your H is all over the place
and I am not sure he knows what he wants.

Then again I could probably say the same thing for many LBS's.

Keep living your life, and all will be revealed to you at the proper time.

[susana4]

Hi Susana. Yes it sounded like a positive evening! And that's good rather than otherwise, but as you say things remain uncertain. It's always best not to wonder too much and to bring your mind back to you and the person you want to become....with or without H in the picture.

The future of your marriage will be decided in some way and at some point....As V loves to say...no doubt all will unravel in good time...

Thanks for your comments on my thread too - much appreciated! :-)

Thanks Toots. Yes, I feel myself getting distracted from my focus on me, by wondering what is going on in his head right now with all of this. Which is futile.

Of course, which I had more advice on how to handle it, hope someone can help you word the email but happy to support.

[susana4]

I just have this gut feeling that the next few days/weeks are going to be really crucial in my sitch.

Is that what you want to happen?

Here is my thoughts about it.

YOU are the one that gets to decide in THE END about what will happen in your sich.
If you have not yet gotten to decide then it is not yet THE END.

Glad your date went well,
don't read too much into it.
Your H is all over the place
and I am not sure he knows what he wants.

Then again I could probably say the same thing for many LBS's.

Keep living your life, and all will be revealed to you at the proper time.

Cadet, good question. That's probably my expectations coming out again. And it's easy to feel like he has the final say here and get distracted by that and wondering what he's thinking, instead of believing I get to decide.

I think some of my nervousness about the coming days is that I can see how easy it would be for me to get sucked into a place of "well my date went well so I should push for more" and then pursue, pursue, pursue.

When really, I need to give him space right now. (And maybe space would help me, too.)

I spoke to my friend who seems to intuitively get DBing (although I've never told her about it). She said it's a really good sign we still have a good time together but I should stop thinking about what it means, do my thing, give him some space and enjoy my space.

How to balance space and not being cold? That's where I struggled before.

[Wonka]

Susana,

Kudos for a great date-lite with H! The key here is to treat H like a new boyfriend you just met and are getting to know each other. Why not do that secret 'I'm-in-love-with-a-new-guy' smile and then saunter down the hall way in your office.

Well done, baby!

[susana4]

Went for a walk and had a think about things.

Does our good date change anything? Not really. It proved to me that we still have a spark - if we can make each other laugh and flirt like teenagers for 5 1/2 hours straight. Who knows if that spark will lead anywhere. But in terms of my course of action? It doesn't change a thing.

I have never been comfortable with early stages of dating (if I can think of it like that). I think it comes back to anxiety, uncertainty, fear of lack of control.

I'm going to try to see this as another opportunity to practice letting go of outcomes.

Reminding myself of what my DB coach said to me yesterday:
Right now it's key to maintain consistency, and not change course but keep doing the things I'm doing.

I'm also trying to really understand my motives here.

I haven't made many GAL plans for this weekend/next week, so I'm trying to line some things up but don't have any plans for tomorrow night (Friday).

I could go to the cinema but would I only be doing it for the sake of doing something? And if so, is it a waste of money? To give H space? To prove to him I have plans?

If I don't go, and he is doing something else, am I going to feel bored? Resentful? (This was a problem in our M sometimes - I'd assume we'd be spending the evening/weekend together and then he'd make last minute plans and I'd get resentful, even though I knew it was unfair.) If I don't go and he's at home or we end up doing something, is that bad because I should be giving him space?

Why is it so hard to figure out what I actually want?

[susana4]

Thanks Wonka!

Why not do that secret 'I'm-in-love-with-a-new-guy' smile and then saunter down the hall way in your office.

I like this plan! I think I need to keep reminding myself of this - like a new boyfriend you just met and are getting to know each other. No expectations, just getting to know each other now.

[Starsky309]

Went for a walk and had a think about things.

Does our good date change anything? Not really. It proved to me that we still have a spark - if we can make each other laugh and flirt like teenagers for 5 1/2 hours straight. Who knows if that spark will lead anywhere. But in terms of my course of action? It doesn't change a thing.

I have never been comfortable with early stages of dating (if I can think of it like that). I think it comes back to anxiety, uncertainty, fear of lack of control.

I'm going to try to see this as another opportunity to practice letting go of outcomes.

This sounds good, Susana ^^^. Remember, us guys have that whole "rubber band" thing that we do ANYWAY, and that's even in relationships that AREN'T going thru changes. So don't get too discouraged if he pulls back right now. We're pretty predictable that way.


Starsky

[susana4]

This sounds good, Susana ^^^. Remember, us guys have that whole "rubber band" thing that we do ANYWAY, and that's even in relationships that AREN'T going thru changes. So don't get too discouraged if he pulls back right now. We're pretty predictable that way.


Starsky

Wise advice, Starsky. I need to keep this in mind and prepare for some pullback. He was already a bit distant this morning I think (I was half asleep so not 100% sure) and he hasn't texted all day. And so the pullback begins...!

[susana4]

Major pullback as expected.

I assumed H was going out for his regular Thursday drinks with his two best guy friends, so I went to buy groceries and when I came back he had also just gotten back from buying groceries (because he got home, assumed I wasn't in and he needed to make dinner). We had a laugh.

I cooked and he helped but he was not talkative. He wasn't cold but he definitely wasn't warm, or flirtatious.

He did all the dishes and cleaned the kitchen but insisted I not help him and I go read. Not sure what that was about because I wanted to help. I think AoS may be his LL but he won't really ever let me do AoS.

Now (after dinner) hes sat on the sofa watching a show on his laptop with headphones on.

I expected the pullback and for him to go to his cave but I still find it a little hard.

What's the best way to deal with it?

He asked me what I was up to this weekend and said he has no plans and no money for going out so he'll be at home all weekend working or watching TV.

Does this mean I need to make extra GAL plans? I feel like I shouldn't let my weekend be impacted by him yet inevitably it will be if he's going to be sat round the house all weekend. Especially if he's still going to be in his "cave".