Lou, I just wanted to add my good wishes to you. Having plans really helps.
t is a long and bumpy ride for both parties - trust me on this. For the longest time I thought he was having the best time. Actually they aren't, and also it doesn't matter anyway.
We get through this, and we grow up and mature into amazing people. You are doing so well - taking responsibility for yourself, not blaming others, and moving forward with your life.
MLCers have a variety of stratagems for getting through this, but they do not usually involve taking any responsibility for what is going on.
They may be 'nice' to us or mean and vengeful. However one thing I have learned is that in a weird way we remain their emotional anchor, and everything they do is in reference to us. Sometimes they or we break the bond, but often not, and so they 'check-in' periodically.
Thank you Gwen and Beatrice for your kind words and support, I really do appreciate it.
Beatrice – thank you for saying that about our MLC’er, I do often wonder if life is really as rosy as he makes out and if he is as happy with ow as he seems to be. I was interested about the emotional anchor – I have often pondered; if they come out of crisis and regret leaving, then do they really come to the thought that they can just contact the LBS even if they have not had much communication/or in some cases have spewed such venom. Do they really just decide to email/call out of the blue “hi, I miss you, I have been an idiot” or does the guilt and shame from causing such intense pain and destruction to a person they once loved stop them from coming forwards to see if they can repair the damage – especially if they can see that the LBS has got on with their life and no longer needs them – IDK – there is obviously a lot of study done on mlc and what possible outcomes there are, and I suppose all of us here start out as hoping we join the statistic of the ones who manage to stay the course and successfully repair/renew their marriage – but is this scenario the minority I wonder. I see a reunion with my h as unlikely - but not impossible. I miss him in my life, it is like a bereavement but worse, as on top of it I have to deal with the rejection and replacement, which for me has been so painful – physically, emotionally and mentally. A true broken heart.
My Chapter 2 is coming to a close – and what an adventure it has been!
My belonging were picked up today and will be shipped when I have a new address in NZ.
I have booked my flight – 16th March, lands 18th March – another 28hr flight ugh. Going via Singapore this time – not been there before …not that I will see outside the airport lol.
I have a place to stay for the first week to get over jet lag and then I have to find somewhere for a couple of weeks before my rented room is available.
In the meantime a mini adventure awaits me as I am leaving the village on Monday 2nd, I am going to Cardiff to meet my girlfriend and then we are going to London for a few days to do all the touristy things (and hopefully Tea at the Ritz – which for those following my journey know is on my bucket list :o) ) then back to Cardiff. I have a gap of 5 days before I go and see another girlfriend in Norwich, then onto Essex to see an old friend of my h (she is shocked by what he has done and is doing) before heading to the Airport on the 16th. I have no idea what I am doing for the 5 day gap – one thing I have learnt about myself since coming here is that I don’t need to plan my life with military precision as something is always around the corner and I should not worry – so with that in mind, I am sure inspiration will occur and I will find somewhere interesting to go.
Feelings wise – I am sad to be leaving my friends, old and new. I have had a brilliant time and have learnt so much about myself – probably more in the past 3 months than the whole of my life! I also know that anything my h does is going to hurt no matter where I am in the world, so I need to get on with my life and keep faith that in time the feelings for him will lesson. I do still feel strongly about him, I sometimes feel I am living in a dream and when I wake my stomach lurches and I feel physically sick at the thought of spending the rest of my life without him – and even more nauseated at him being with someone else and with all that entails. However – I have a sneaky bit of excitement at moving back – having my own space (eventually), I have even bought a few bits and pieces for it, girlie things that I know h would not have seen the point of :o) I am optimistic that I will find work before I run out of funds – and as my new mantra is Calm and Simple I am not worrying about it, something will come along, it will all be ok.
I did the grown up thing and went to say goodbye to my brother (who has not spoken to me since I left the house). I even acknowledged his partner in the street with a "Good Morning" she just walked past me blankly - but at least I made the effort so can leave with my head held high.
Life and fortunes could change at any moment – just by talking to someone, being in the right place at the right time or helping someone out, no one knows what is around the corner. I hope around your corner is a good life, good health and good fortunes –
Wow Lou! How exciting for the next chapter of life:-)
I'm sorry you have been sad. It is completely normal and Bea gave such an accurate description of what they can do. I'll be honest-I never really think about whether xh is having a good time. A) I don't really care and B) my priorities are my little people. However, I do think for many, they want to maintain some emotional connection to us. It's difficult to describe. I also think for many, no matter how smoothly paved the road is, they struggle with admitting their feelings, whether they are good, bad, or indifferent.
How nice of you to say goodbye to your brother and partner. Sadly, some people just are the way they are. It's not a reflection of you but rather them.
Have fun in Cardiff! I think you are doing great and props to you for embracing so much change with an open mind. Be kind to yourself.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Lou - this is hard. Don't beat yourself up because you think about your xh - some people do and others put it out of their minds. Our feelings are our own.
I just wonder what sort of relationship anyone can have long term that is built on deception and lies, and I always wonder at the sort of person that can have an affair with a married man.
As you know, time is a big factor in all of this. The other thing is the learning to be complete on our own. Not needing another person to make us feel OK about ourselves.
It is normal to be sad, and to grieve. Fwiw, and opinions differ here, I believe that men process this stuff differently. From Jane Austen onwards, women have been pointing this out! We are different. We love as much but we love differently.
Widowed men marry (on average) far sooner than widowed women, even adjusting for smaller numbers of men at the age when most are widowed,.
Quote:
“All the privilege I claim for my own sex (it is not a very enviable one: you need not covet it), is that of loving longest, when existence or when hope is gone!” ― Jane Austen, Persuasion
Lou, Your next chapter is waiting to be written. The current one is coming to a close, but you may not even realize it yet, but you've grown by leaps and bounds and the healing process is ongoing. You've met up w/old friends, made new ones and even visited w/your brother. He'll have much to think about and as for his companion, well...it's evident she's got issues. At least you can rest easy knowing you've attempted to mend the fences w/them.
I don't envy you the flight. That's a long time to be on the "road" to return home. I do hope that things will settle down for you once you are home and you can settle in and find a job and be close to your sons.
Lou, you are going to be just fine. Right now, it may not look like that...but it will be okay.
Travel safely my friend.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I am sat in the airport waiting to board my flight back to NZ, so this post is going to be the end of Chapter 2 and I will start a new thread Chapter 3.
Chapter 2 has been a real adventure and I have learnt so much about myself, grown and although my path is a very wobbly one, I feel that I am at last moving in a forwards direction.
I am so grateful and humbled to have so many beautiful friends around me that have cared, loved and supported me through this period of my life.
I have had an amazing trip and now feel like I have two homes, so will be making visiting both my homes regularly a mission.
So update on the family - S18 - after a turbulent couple of weeks s18 decided he was getting on a plane to me, so I had to tell him I was coming to him; the relief on his face was a picture and he is so happy. He has asked if I would move back to him and get a place together (awww bless) so absolutely agreed to this - he needs some stability and veggies lol.
S21 has had the most interesting time - he and h fell out, big blow up and it all came out. S21 told his d that both he and s18 hate ow and my h replied "well thats ok as she doesn't like you either" !! S21 said a lot was said, but after they calmed down they had a long talk. S21 then contacted S18 to warn him that d may contact him about everything he said.
On top of that it turns out that ow has moved her kids in to the house and as soon as she started contributing to the rent she moved S21 out into a rented cabin thats been put on their driveway?? I am so disappointed in h, both our boys have expressed their concern for him, said he has changed and he can go [cant repeat it]
Its gets better - S21 then said that he can't see ow lasting much longer, she is a smoker (which h absolutely cant stand), he told her she has to give up and she agreed but he keeps catching her having a sneaky one which has lead to a few arguments. Then - are you ready for a chuckle, because I laughed so hard I nearly pee'ed myself - So she is a snorer (and he cant stand noise at night, needs his sleep), she is also on a machine at night for sleep apnea, oh the romance and passion of it all ha ha. H is now on sleeping tablets and sleeps in her son's room when he is away staying with his dad. S21 said he walks around like a zombie, looks shattered and now comes in from work and takes the dogs out for a very long walk ....alone or with s21 ...
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha sorry ha ha ha ha ha
Oh this made my day, so his happy shiney life is starting to dull,and my life is starting to become sunny.
I don't know where this is all going for him, but in a harsh way I am teeny bit pleased its not going all that well - as you can see. meowwwwww
Chapter 3 starts off in a good place. Whatever it brings I know I will be fine, something is always around the corner - and I will deal with it as it comes.
Next stop,car,home and job and giving my boys a stable and happy mum to lean on.
Hope everyone is doing well - I have been away from the boards for a few weeks - having way too much fun :o)
Oh and any Harry Potter Fans - if you are ever in UK you got to go to the Harry Potter Studios, its absolutely brilliant and best bit was I got to ride a broomstick ...for real .. and have a dvd movie as evidence ...so coooool.
I'm so glad you came back around and posted an update. I'm so glad that your son wants the two of you to live together. He missed you and your support. I'm sorry about your S21. What's with a cabin in the driveway? That's awful! Well, at least your sons now know where they stand w/their father while he's out to lunch.
Well, this certainly looks like things didn't turn out the way that he thought they would. LOL! He's certainly not living the life of Riley and it's going to take a while before he realizes that he had it so much better before.
Until then, on the Chapter 3 and a good life for you and your sons.
Travel safely!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Nice that the boys admit they need you. Be a rock for them. It makes things a little tougher for you, finding a home that can accommodate them, but just include them in the search/decision process.
You've got this. You'll find a job, get settled. And yes, it IS nice to hear that thins aren't all roses with the OW.
Lou- Great to hpread your post. I am very happy that you are able to be closer to your boys. Taking some time to regroup has been quite the adventure for you but I can imagine it is has also really helped you become stronger and able to embrace chapter 3.
You have given your children a great gift. You've shown them that love is not dependent on geography and you've shown them that you are the heroine in your own life story. Bravo!
Can't wait to hear about this new life you are creating. Keep us in the loop. Have to say your prospects are bright. So very happy for you!
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
