Susana (4) - Do you have to be confusin'?

[susana4]

Notes from my call with DB coach yesterday. DB friends, please can you help hold me accountable to her advice?

I know no one thing can make or break a sitch, but I don't know why, I just have this gut feeling that the next few days/weeks are going to be really crucial in my sitch.

Notes from call:
-Atmosphere has been better this week (feel like we're friends again) - she said this is probably because he didn't feel guilty for going away on the ski trip

-She said the argument we had over the restaurant was actually quite good, because we resolved it without escalating (or bringing in other topics), in a calm way and by hearing each other's opinions. She said she was surprised but it was really good he was willing to listen to my side, and that he said he wanted to be able to chat, too, and came up with an alternative suggestion (of grabbing a bite and then a drink).

-She made a few suggestions for future conflict/arguments (H has fear of conflict) - that I "guide" him through it and make a statement like "each of our opinions is valid" or "we have differing opinions and that's ok", and then I suggest a resolution like tossing a coin to decide

-During an argument, ask him "what's going on, what are you feeling?" (because he might have trouble accessing his feelings) or be more specific to help him like "were you worried about hurting my feelings?" - but DON'T push it if he doesn't seem like he wants to talk

-it's most important to make him feel safe - then he can share

-I asked about the fact that lately I've been thanking him more and complimenting him more but he keeps saying "no need to thank me, not that big a deal" and when I compliment him he'll say "no that's not true, I'm not really that good". She said everyone needs differing levels of gratitude/compliments and to pull back a little on this right now.

-Hold back on inviting him to do anything else after last night's dinner/comedy, "at least for several days", and see if he asks me to do anything

-Stay on the path I'm on and DON'T COMPLICATE THINGS BY GOING ON A NEW PATH! Review the changes I've made and continue with them! She said consistency is really crucial right now and now is not the time to start trying new things, I need to stick with what I've been doing that's working.

-She then asked what I've done that I think has made the most impact. I identified:
*Being less reactive and jumping into arguments. Taking time to calm down and consider (means we have FAR fewer arguments).
*Not assuming the worst - thinking about other possibilities (instead of just thinking "he did X so he must be thinking Y")