Quote: I've been struggling with this for weeks, months really. I plan to start applying to jobs and landing one, but I know that this will only breed resentment for me. Does anyone have any advice or suggestions to help me not feel so disappointed that my marriage isn't living up to what I wanted? I have always felt very strongly that the man should be able to provide for his family, so this is hard for me to swallow. The way I feel is if I'm working (especially full time), then I might as well be a single mother. I know I sound ridiculous, but I can't seem to dig myself out of this self pity.
Hello Pam,
No, you don't sound ridiculous. We all want the best for our children. They are little for only such a short time and you cannot regain lost time with your babies. You may feel that you don't want to miss those precious years and terrible guilt in returning to work and leaving them in childcare. Staying at home is a wonderful opportunity but not everyone can. However don't be too quick in thinking that you and your babies will be too unhappy in a new sitch where you have to work (if necessary). Do your math and work out all the pros and cons, consider all your options and discuss them with your H before deciding. (Hey, you're both in counselling to improve communication and this is one good area to work on). You might find that eventually you even like returning to work once you have eased into it though it may seem scary and such a big change now. Here is a good link for SAHMs from others faced with the same dilemma about returning to work. Do check it out.
You asked how to get rid of feelings of resentment. I would say replace it with a good dose of empathy. I too am a SAHM and I know my H would probably prefer it if I worked and contributed to the expenses. I can see the stress and burden he feels in making sure that we don't lose that one income. He works really hard and has to take on a lot of crap at the workplace just to make sure that we are all well taken care of financially. (Maybe thats why he is now LD) I really wish I could help take part of that stress away. My H leaves the house really early, deals with a lot of stress at work and comes home to more stress seeing me all hassled my being 7 1/2 months pregnant and chasing after my 20 month old dd. He tries his best to help me out and cheer me up but I can see he really needs the rest himself and sometimes he is just so tired he falls asleep right after dinner. My contribution is to take good care of him by making sure he gets good food, good sleep and by giving him foot massages and an old fashion back scratch which he loves, for now and later on consider going back to work to share the finances.
So Pam, next time you feel resentment or self pity building up, think instead of your H and how he must be feeling. Shift the focus away from you and to him. You will find the resentment floating away. Yours (being a SAHM) is a tough job having the toddlers follow you around 24/7 but its richly rewarding when you see that lovely smile and get to witness all the wonders of their milestones development yourself. But what sort of reward does your H get at work? Is he doing something he loves? Does he work long hours? Does he have good employers? Does he face a lot of stress at work?
Oh and BTW, I am not sure he will be all that keen on you returning to work if he learns of your building resentment. Studies have shown that working mothers with young children face the greatest stress. You are both working on your desire descrepancies now. Has he ever considered how the stress of change and returning to work and your even having less time than before with your time divided between work, children and him and how this will affect your SSM sitch?
Have you told him how you feel about returning to work? If you do talk to him don't forget that dose of empathy. Discuss how your returning to work will affect the BOTH of you AND your toddlers rather than how dissapointed YOU feel that he is not living up to your expectations of how you think your M life should be and that he should be the provider etc etc.
Just my two cents. Hope this helped and hope you get out of your rut soon.
