Maybe a little more direct than I should have been, but keeping my tone under control was an issue at the time.
And this is why I keep saying to stop the R talks. You, Rzrback, can't control your emotions, wording, or tone of voice.......which only makes matters worse.
Frankly, when you said something about considering yourselves in piecing and having R discussions, I kind of thought it sounded like an excuse to continue the talks. It never ended. You blame her for it, but you respond in a way that doesn't set right with her and then you both are angry. Where does it get you? And why do you keep doing what isn't working?
If my H and I had had R talks as much you and W, I honestly don't know if we would have made it or not. Which seems funny when you consider that it was me that ALWAYS initiated the talks down through our marital history.
Your W sounds as if she is trying to weigh everything in her mind. But instead of silently thinking it over, she is the type who needs to hash it out verbally. Once she goes to bed, the doubts began to crowd her mind and she voices them to you. Had you prefer she voice her concerns to OM instead of you? If you continue to react in a negative way, it is certain to happen b/c you are reinforcing her doubts.
You complain about the limbo and her depression. You would never have made it with me. Two and a half months after NC with OM was not even the tip of the iceberg for my withdrawal period. And at least you and W are having a few moments that aren't completely bad. I don't know if my H could say as much. To be completely honest, I would have to go back and read my old posts, b/c I was so depressed on top of having other health problems, that I mostly remember just being soooo miserable. Some of those daily memory accounts are beginning to fade.
You talk as if she is forcing you along on this ride. This is no picnick for her, either. Weren't you the one trying to convince her to stay in the M? Now, you talk about her tormenting you with this limbo and asking why doesn't she just let you go of she doesn't love you. That may not be far off. However, she is not forcing you to stay there. You make your own decisions, don't you?
You say when you detach you feel better but she accuses you of being cold. Well, you are either not detaching properly, or she is pulling all the strings and making the puppet dance.
You have mentioned a couple of times how you want her to be vulnerable to you. She hasn't reach that point yet, IMO. How can she be vulnerable when you can't control yourself in a r talk? It is really hard for a WAW to do that after coming from an A. I know you don't understand, based on things you have said. She has to feel completely safe emotionally, and to be honest, based on your own accounts I can see how she would feel ready.
Rzrback, she is the weaker one. You must be stronger than her....and lead her. Not by losing your cool, being sarcastic, acting cold, applying emotional pressure, or having endless R talks. None of this is working.
You have to learn to lead in a different fashion.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
