Is the part-time job a solution to bring in more income, because you need it at this time, or is it to get you out of the house? I wasn't clear on that issue.
I think what you are going through is completely normal. It seems to you that YOU are the one making all the effort to improve your relationship, YOU are the one making the sacrifices, YOU are the one who is willing to turn your LD state into something else so you can have a good marriage, YOU are the one at home ALL DAY with the kids, and though you love them dearly and wouldn't trade them for the world, you feel as though you have no personal identity, except if and when you can fit it in, and now, NOW you are expected yet again to rise to the occassion for the sake of family needs and work outside the home -- while to you, it doesn't seem that much has changed for your H except he is getting all ML you can give him, and still, it doesn't seem to be enough.
Have I come close?
First, I can tell you that unless you land a part-time job that pays like a full-time one, you will actually be working at a loss. Meaning, it will cost you MORE to work outside the home part-time than if you stayed at home, ie., paying for day care while away; gas money; travel time; energy levels; the list can go on and on. If I were you, I'd sit down with your H and do the math on what salary level you are going to have to shoot for in order to actually bring in more money to your household in a part-time job. Honestly, you would make more money watching other people's kids in your home. Do you really want to do that?
Second, working a part-time job outside the home I think is going to lead to more frustration for you. Part-time jobs are NEVER part-time; they expect a full-time production in half the time.
With both your kids under the age of five, I think you need to rethink what you realistically expect of yourself in terms of job satisfaction and ability to pull in money. Sure, you could go out and get a full-time job, but then someone else is watching your kids, and I'm sure there is a part of you saying, "if I do that, then why did I have kids?"
An option for you to consider is for you to get a part-time job in the evenings or on the weekends when your H will be around to watch the kids. Working in the evening is going to make you more tired during the day, and will give you less time to ML; working on the weekends is a viable option, but probably not in your choosen field.
I think you really need to talk through this with your H. You going back to work right now is going to take some sacrifices on everyone's part, and I think you all need to really decide if the extra income is worth that. This is not something you should have to solve by yourself. I think your H is not really thinking this through.
And, the fact of the matter is, you can say NO, I'm not getting a job right now. You have that power. You can draw that boundary.
Your resentment, I believe, is coming from a part of you that is feeling unappreciated and not respected for your efforts. If you are going to attack anything with your H, I'd say start there. Until your kids get in school, it is a very simple fact that you are NOT going to have a lot of time for yourself or your own needs. It's okay; it doesn't last forever. Do your pet projects at home in the evening, and continue freelancing for the creative shot you need. Ease up on yourself, girl. It is INSANE to try to be superwoman. Been there, done that. But you must have the courage to stick up for yourself and draw the line with your H. He cannot take advantage of you unless you allow it.
