Quote: Does anyone have any advice or suggestions to help me not feel so disappointed that my marriage isn't living up to what I wanted?
That seems to me to be the essence of the problem. Your expectations are not being met. I think what I would suggest is that you try not to continue having expectations, especially unrealistic ones, for your marriage...as it stands, you appear to hold the belief (through what you've heard from Dr. Laura and perhaps what you observed growing up) that your husband OUGHT to be able to provide the family's entire financial support. Even if he could, though, is it fair to hold him to a standard that HE does not totally support? Perhaps a re-assessment of your priorities (together with him) might be in order, as well as a hard look at what your expectations are for a marriage to see if maybe it's time to adjust your filters a little and start looking for ways to improve relations and not hold him responsible for your expectations.
I think you know my sitch...my W is having an affair, in fact is on the way to Las Vegas right now with the OP for three days. That is not at all the standard I would expect in a marriage, but clearly she is not willing to practice fidelity right now. The reasons for that are many, but in our case I would say that her expectations of me were profoundly unrealistic, as were mine of her. Both of us expected the other to alter their fundamental personalities to better fit the other's, and when those expectations weren't met it caused us both to behave in ways that hurt and belittled the other. For years I had a way of talking to her and behaving judgmentally when she would do or say things that I thought were embarrassing or potentially confusing or inappropriate in front of our families or children; so over time she felt like she had to repress her true personality to "keep the peace". Now, she has snapped out of that pattern and the pendulum has swung her all the way into a torrid affair. And in my case, she expected ME to be as relaxed as she always was, to get down on the floor and play with our daughters (like her dad did), which I have NEVER done and never even desired to...it just isn't my way, and it was never done with me when I was growing up. Our family was simply not as touch-oriented (other than hugs and spoken words of love) and physical affection was a private matter so I never lavished it on my kids as much as she EXPECTED me to. So eventually I came to feel as though she felt I was an inadequate father while simultaneously overprotecting and over-disciplining our kids when they misbehaved. Ah, geez, it was a mess.
So what I'm saying is...EXPECTATIONS get you into trouble. Better to assess your needs in the relationship and teach each other how to get them met so that you never feel that you need to go outside the marriage to find it. And, as Michele said in DR, you'll never reach those wonderful 4th and 5th stages of marriage unless you resolve the conflicts in Stage 3 (Everything would be alright if YOU changed) by setting expectations only for yourself and accepting your partner the way they are. In my case I still have hope that my wife is not truly as shallow as she is acting (hanging out with twenty-something single girlfriends, having the affair, refusing to do the hard work of reconciliation) and that her true, beautiful self will once again be the person I am happily married to. But there is always the chance that this IS the person she always wanted to be. If that is the case in the long run I will have to move on to a relationship in the future with a more mature individual, but at least I will know how to approach a relationship without placing unrealistic expectations on my partner.
Good luck Pam...I hope that you can find some quality in your counseling and I hope that you and your H can find the center soon.
