I've been feeling kinda blue the past few days. We had our first joint session with our sex therapist yesterday and at first it felt a bit awkward. We both had a difficult time answering her when she asked how we've been. H answered, "Not bad" so when she looked at me, I offered that I haven't turned H down for sex. I've made a conscious effort to go to bed each night, fully prepared to ML and initiate much more often. I've also been more affectionate outside of the bedroom to reassure him of my love. I just have been feeling so hopeless. I'm afraid resentment is building and I need to get out this mindset.
Just before we had our second (and last) baby, we went over our finances and agreed that I could stay home with the kids until they started school. After listening to Dr Laura stress the importance of staying home for your kids, I was determined to "do the right thing" and made every attempt to keep expenses low. I even tried to get my home based business (graphic and web design) going again and managed to make a bit of money, but it's difficult to work while you're refereeing toddlers! I went through a phase (and it was at the height of our SSM) where I was going to bed at 2am. We had discussed that maybe I should find a part time job just as a break from the monotony of being at home. That has now become the focus of our discussions except now, I am being encouraged (or urged) to find work to help with the finances.
We've had problems communicating difficult issues to one another. I tend to bring up my issues, and H usually hears me out, agrees or discusses them with me but they don't always get resolved. For example, last summer we agreed to help out H's cousin. He was going to live with us for a month or two until he found a place for him and his son to live. One month had passed and I noticed the cousin, let's call him Steve, seemed rather comfortable with the situation of me being at home, watching his kid and cooking. A few times, especially on Fridays, Steve would show up after 8pm. I explained to H that it was not acceptable for Steve to assume this was ok and that he was expected to come home after work and make arrangements if he wanted to go out. I also told H that I could no longer watch Steve's S7 before and after school because it was too much on top of our D3 and S1.5. In my mind I wanted Steve to have to find a daycare so that he would have to be responsible for his son. Somehow, H managed to address the coming home right after work, but failed to mention that he needed to find care for his son! I was left to "confront" Steve and tell him it wasn't working about 2 weeks later. Steve finally left our home last month, owing us hundreds of dollars.
When H brings something to my attention, he does so in such a serious manner that I take a defensive stance. He seems to hold things inside until he has to let them out and by that time he's at end of his rope. Picking up on this, I acknowledge the issue and try to explain my perspective if it differs from his and at this time, if we're going around in circles, he ends the conversation. I try really hard to validate him and offer resolutions and need to work on following through.
I've been struggling with this for weeks, months really. I plan to start applying to jobs and landing one, but I know that this will only breed resentment for me. Does anyone have any advice or suggestions to help me not feel so disappointed that my marriage isn't living up to what I wanted? I have always felt very strongly that the man should be able to provide for his family, so this is hard for me to swallow. The way I feel is if I'm working (especially full time), then I might as well be a single mother. I know I sound ridiculous, but I can't seem to dig myself out of this self pity.
