train, how are you?

[Train]

I have to remember sometimes to not take the infidelity personally. They don't cheat to do it to us, more often that not they cheat without any bit of regard for us at all ... They do it as part of an extremely selfish and broken mechanism within themselves.

Spot on, Jefe.

But that's precisely what I have trouble with. I can't control H ... or his impulses ... or what's broken about him ... or what his "mechanisms" are.

And I wouldn't WANT to control him. That would make him no different than a robot, and who could fall or stay in love with a robot? Not me!

But the fact that he DID handle two unhappy times in our M by running out and cheating - thinking the grass was greener - makes me terribly nervous going forward. I can't make him "fix" how he responds to unhappiness. I can try to make myself a better, more pleasant, person to be around. I can try to make our M a happier place to be. But who KNOWS what's going to make him unhappy next? Who's to say he won't handle the stress of it by thinking "the grass is greener" somewhere else?

I have to trust that he's learned that the grass isn't greener (perhaps it took him trying twice to figure that out). But trust, as most of us around here can understand, is something I don't have a whole lot of right now.

We're on shaky ground over here. But I think that's what piecing's supposed to look like.

Thank you SO much, Jefe.