Rebuilding 1 step at a time

[Heart14]

Thanks Mozza! I hope my story can help others here. I've been debating how to answer you. We are reconciled in the sense that we are both fully committed to our M. Our R feels much more stable than it did in the early piecing days. My hesitation comes from the fact that I'm not entirely over the pain. It's not present all the time. Just rears its ugly head now and then. I think I'd keep us as piecing until we get through the next few months of antiversary triggers.

[Crimson]

My hesitation comes from the fact that I'm not entirely over the pain. It's not present all the time.

Yep. That is quite relatable. I struggle with that, too. The mind bending part of it is that academically, I know that dwelling on it and rehashing it is really, really poisonous in this stage. I have gotten over most of it, and I can keep the rest at bay most of the time. Still, there are those moments when I get emotionally "flooded" and just want to ask her why she did this or that...and if she understands exactly what it did to me...our son....an so on. Luckily, those moments are few and far between.

Crimson

[Mozza]

I think I'd keep us as piecing until we get through the next few months of antiversary triggers.

Then piecing it will be. Thanks and good luck!

[Heart14]

Crimson, I completely get what you are saying. I struggle with how to handle the blips. On one hand, H should help soothe the pain, but on the other he's already said/done everything I've asked. I cannot identify anything specific that I need from him to heal other than what he's already doing. It seems to be an issue within myself and I have to let go more which is taking time.

[LovinUs]

It is nice to read what others are going through, and as Mozza said, the successes. Please do come back and update regularly. I wish you the best in continuing your healing, and in the future with your H.

[T384]

Hey Heart,

Found your thread and just thought I'd check in on you. Hoping your absence means things are going well

[Heart14]

Hi T0! Thanks for stopping by. Things are going pretty well. I've been MIA because we were on vacation. Escaping the cold Norteast for the tropics. It was nice and relaxing. Glad to be back to normal life again though. H and I both missed our son and our own bed. It's silly, but I hated sleeping in the king bed at the hotel. I like my cozy queen and being closer to H while we sleep. Somehow it makes me feel more connected to him.

I've been a little off lately because my mind keeps going back to where we were at this time last year. I am trying not to dwell in those feelings because it's not helping me. I'm considering scheduling a few IC sessions just to steady myself. I'm sure it can only help. H is not acting in any way like he was when things were bad. I need to trust that. Sometimes that's a lot easier said than done.

We talked about it the other night. I don't think it made him feel great. I told him that I am scared that if things get out of synch he would stray again. I also talked about how lonely I was during that period. He admitted he was very lonely then too. He reassured me that he hated how he felt during the affair and he never wanted to make either one of us feel that way again. I know this is true. I could see that when it was going on. The fear is that those are just words. I never want to be a fool again. Apparently I have some work to do on letting go of fear still.

I know that was a little negative. I feel like this is a safe place for me to vent to others who can understand what I'm feeling. Overall, things are going well and I am still trying to focus on being the best me I can be. Most days I'm really proud of myself and who I've become on this journey.

[TSquared2]

The fear is that those are just words. I never want to be a fool again. Apparently I have some work to do on letting go of fear still.

Imo, the key to this is trusting YOURSELF...trusting that you will be able to handle anything that life, others, throw at you. That you will know if something is amiss...That you will survive, and then thrive, again.

When you believe, then know, that you trust yourself, the fear fades. It has to.

Look at all you have accomplished on this journey.... pretty amazing, huh?

[Heart14]

[quote] the key to this is trusting YOURSELF...trusting that you will be able to handle anything that life, others, throw at you. That you will know if something is amiss...That you will survive, and then thrive, again.

Thank you, TS. I love that. It's just what I needed to hear.

[Heart14]

I had an aha moment the other day. Someone mentioned an advice column response I should read. It was all about how marriage is hard and we screw it up sometimes. That the happily ever after fairytale we have in our heads isn't real life. An emphasis was on how infidelity doesn't necessarily have to completely break a relationship. It can instead lead to a better understanding of each other and a stronger marriage. The author even said that she is thankful for her partners affair because it caused them to dig deeper and connect more.

I'm not sure thankful is the right word for me, but I can see that it was the catalyst for positive change in my life. Reading the column lifted a weight from my shoulders. I shared it with H and told him it made me feel really good about us and our future. He agreed and told me that he has no regrets about choosing to stay. Again he told me how horrible he feels for his actions last year. It was just what I needed.

I feel like we're shifting out of piecing now. I'm stronger and smarter than I was a year ago. No regrets. I know if he ever strayed again I could leave with my head held high. Nothing is gaurenteed. I'm at peace with that now.