I had a telephone coaching session with Chuck on V-Day. He gave me some great guidance on the 180 and GAL.
Due to my past detachment from the M, I am working on becoming the person she knew when first started dating (this is a 180). Communication has been a problem in the past, for both of us. I was a terrible listener, always trying to resolve her problems and being the typical "fixer". I have become a great listener in the past few weeks. I now listen and validate when appropriate.
She has been testing me lately. For example, I listened to her detail the falling out her mother had with her new husband. I did not attempt to give advice or any recommendations for her to relay to her mother. I only validated the concerns my W had for her mother. Telling her it must be difficult for her to see her mother hurting during this difficult time.
Her immediate comment was "I can tell you have changed and I'm happy for you. These changes are going to help you in your next relationship and after the our divorce".
Instead of responding to her how she expects the "old me" to respond (pleading, chasing, etc). I followed Chuck's advice and told her I appreciated her noticing.
I have also been showing more remorse and taking responsibility for causing our marriage to fail. I am careful to only do this if she is testing me and I do not spend anymore time on it than a simple "you know, I really blew this, I'm sorry".
Speaking with Chuck before any V-Day activities was perfect. She wanted to hangout at the house and for us to watch a movie together since we did not have the kids. It was great opportunity for me to practice what I have learned here, from Chuck and from DR and DB. We ended up having the best V-Day we have ever had (she made that comment and I agreed).
Last night was a bit of a backslide. She asked me how long it would be until my lawyer reviewed the Divorce Decree and if I knew when I would sign it. She also said that she is worried I will have a harder time dealing with her moving out next month since we have become closer over the last weeks. I did my best to validate her concerns and to not react like the old me. When she asked me how I would react if she goes visits the OM that she is still in an EA with, I backslid.
I tried my best to validate her wanting to see him due to my past detachment and lack of focus on our M. I tried to set boundaries, well really just one boundary... that I do not want her to see him while we are in the same house. That upset her. She felt that since we are going to be divorced soon and she does not love like a wife should and has never really loved me like a wife should, I can not stop her from seeing him.
My response was horrible, I tried to stop myself. I felt like I could see the words leaving my mouth, but I couldn't stop them. I told her it sucked to hear say that. That I still loved her and was in love with her and that didn't want to close any doors. She assured me that she is okay with closing doors and that her feelings towards me will never change.
I told her I was sorry to hear her say her that and that my love and feelings for her will never change either.
I woke up this morning refocused. I did not bring up the discussion from last night. After a meeting at our son's school. I took her back to our house and told her to have a great day. Then headed to the office. She call me and asked me to come home early since my parents are watching kids for a few hours after school. I told her since I was going in late, I would probably need to work a little later.
I am committed to DB. I know I made monumental mistakes throughout this M. My focus now is to repair as much of the damage as possible. I love her. I want to save our marriage.
M:42 W:43 T:14 M:10 S:9 D:5 W filed 12/22/14 EA 12/31/14 PA 4/10/15 D final 5/13/15
