Susana (4) - Do you have to be confusin'?

[susana4]

Heading out to meet H for our dinner and comedy night now...

Going to repeat this to myself:

Something I keep repeating to myself this last week when H and I were spending time together - "he really *would* be a fool to leave me."

I'm not done growing but I do feel I have a lot to offer. I'm clever, hardworking, passionate, kind, attractive, fun. Oh, and a great cook. And the fact that I'm undertaking DBing shows my commitment and tbh, bravery - I am continuing to offer unconditional love in spite of everything. If you'd told me a year ago I'd DB, well I wouldn't have known what that meant first of all - but I wouldn't have believed you. I would have thought I was too proud to do that, and too afraid; I would have expected I would just run away because that is what I have done in the past.

I am learning to face fears.

I am learning to live in the moment, to be less critical, to be more accepting.

Yes, I'm still a work in progress, but I'm learning.

And if H can't see that, well then yes, he is a fool.

My approach tonight is 'beginner's mindset'. I'm trying to go in with a view that this is like a first date, with a guy that I want to get to know. And I do want to get to know this man who is my husband who I thought I knew, but apparently didn't. So, it's like a fact finding mission.. With flirtation and a red dress.

[Starsky309]

. . . and heels.

[Squiggy]

Haven't chimed in for a while. You sound like you are doing amazing in your progress, and remember to never stop doing so. And for the love of all that is holy, DO NOT FORGET THE HEELS. I remember being told as a young man that a woman in a pair of heels can stop traffic. I've witnessed this

[Cadet]

Let me add a few other hints

NO EXPECTATIONS.
NO Relationship talk.
Be Mysterious.
Men like to chase women.
If things go south just show him that you are
awesome and will have no trouble in the future!


You can DO this!

[Wonka]

I don't know where you are...

-Light touch on perfume
-Maxi dress
-Nice lipstick
-Heels
-Act light and breezy around H

You got this!

[Complex]

Good luck susana!!

[susana4]

Thanks everyone for the good wishes.

So, tonight was fun. Felt very much like a date except it didn't end with a kiss, but it ended with a strangely sexual tickle fight.

I wore:
-a form-fitting red dress that showed off my figure
-tinted cherry flavour lip balm he commented the other day "smells nice and...probably tastes nice"
-a little bit of perfume
-heels of course!

H and I met for dinner at the Egyptian fast food place he'd suggested. He suggested getting the food to take away and going to sit in the square and people watch, which we did. Then we went for a drink - when I revealed the dress he stared at me and said "nice dress".

We just chatted about stuff, laughed a lot. At one point, he looked like he was going to kiss me, then said "hey, isn't that so and so off TV" and I turned around and there was a famous comedian behind me. D@mnit, ruining the moment!

We went to the comedy night, had a few drinks and laughed some more.

On the way home, we were pretty flirty, it reminded me a lot of our early days of dating the way we were teasing each other. It was fun and we laughed a LOT.

He was quite tipsy so I don't know how much of what happened when we got home was down to that. But once we got home, he suggested watching a little bit of TV. He sat right next to me on the sofa and had his face just inches from mine on the cushion, with his body pressed up against mine (normally recently we sit apart).

Again, there were times when I felt he was going to kiss me - but he stopped himself. After a little bit of TV, we decided to go to bed.

I went into the bedroom to get changed. Now, I didn't time this exactly but it worked out perfectly - but he happened to walk in as I was bending over to get my pyjamas out of the drawer, and I think he must have had a good view up my dress.

He quickly hugged me and scurried into the other room. He was...well, visibly excited.

We then got into a play argument. He was lying on the sofa and I was standing and I started tickling him. He then grabbed me and pulled me onto the sofa with him and we ended up in a 45 minute long, strangely sexual tickle fight that involved writhing, pressing against each other, him grabbing my thighs...

This is the third weirdly sexual tickle fight we've had in the last month. I don't really know what to make of them. But he'll get really close to doing something like kissing me...and then just pull back and stop himself.

Anyway, overall I'd say the non-date "date" went well. If it hadn't have been with my H, and it really had just been a first date, I would have said it was a great first date.

I get frustrated about the not kissing, but I know I can't push that. Any movement needs to come from him.

[susana4]

One last thing - had a call with my DB coach before meeting H, and she said it's no bad thing to just let it be in this state of "almost kissing" for awhile. I don't remember the exact wording she used, but basically like building the tension?

[susana4]

Feeling a bit down this morning... I think it's expectations, or a need to know getting in the way. I had a nice time last night, I need to just leave it at that but instead in my head I am asking "but what does it mean?" I didn't expect anything in particular to happen, but I guess I'd hoped for some sign things were moving in the right direction.

Instead, I don't know if H and I are stuck in being friends who have inappropriate tickle fights. (This morning he told me he was quite tipsy last night so I guess I should discount his actions last night anyway) He introduced me to someone as his "friend" last night - that stung.

This last week, since H got back from his ski trip, the atmosphere has really changed. We feel very solidly like friends. I feel like I have my best friend back. Except he's not meant to be just my friend, he's my H.

I'm ok with being friends in the short term (my DB coach says it's important to rebuild friendship) if it leads to R, but I feel like in the longer term if we're not going to R, I don't want to be friends. But he is quite obviously attracted to me (his eyes were roving a LOT last night, he commented several times he liked my dress, he was visibly excited by me and the tickle fight was obviously inappropriate) so I'm just confused why he's stopping himself. But I guess he's confused. Clearly though this is not sustainable as a friendship in the long term.

I am spending too much time thinking about the future, right? And trying to guess what will happen and letting expectations get in the way? I get caught up in thinking about evaluating "what works" and second guessing myself. What I've been doing seems to be drawing H closer, but then I start to worry it's not the right "kind" of close...

I'm going to write up my notes from my call with DB coach yesterday in a minute.

[susana4]

Notes from my call with DB coach yesterday. DB friends, please can you help hold me accountable to her advice?

I know no one thing can make or break a sitch, but I don't know why, I just have this gut feeling that the next few days/weeks are going to be really crucial in my sitch.

Notes from call:
-Atmosphere has been better this week (feel like we're friends again) - she said this is probably because he didn't feel guilty for going away on the ski trip

-She said the argument we had over the restaurant was actually quite good, because we resolved it without escalating (or bringing in other topics), in a calm way and by hearing each other's opinions. She said she was surprised but it was really good he was willing to listen to my side, and that he said he wanted to be able to chat, too, and came up with an alternative suggestion (of grabbing a bite and then a drink).

-She made a few suggestions for future conflict/arguments (H has fear of conflict) - that I "guide" him through it and make a statement like "each of our opinions is valid" or "we have differing opinions and that's ok", and then I suggest a resolution like tossing a coin to decide

-During an argument, ask him "what's going on, what are you feeling?" (because he might have trouble accessing his feelings) or be more specific to help him like "were you worried about hurting my feelings?" - but DON'T push it if he doesn't seem like he wants to talk

-it's most important to make him feel safe - then he can share

-I asked about the fact that lately I've been thanking him more and complimenting him more but he keeps saying "no need to thank me, not that big a deal" and when I compliment him he'll say "no that's not true, I'm not really that good". She said everyone needs differing levels of gratitude/compliments and to pull back a little on this right now.

-Hold back on inviting him to do anything else after last night's dinner/comedy, "at least for several days", and see if he asks me to do anything

-Stay on the path I'm on and DON'T COMPLICATE THINGS BY GOING ON A NEW PATH! Review the changes I've made and continue with them! She said consistency is really crucial right now and now is not the time to start trying new things, I need to stick with what I've been doing that's working.

-She then asked what I've done that I think has made the most impact. I identified:
*Being less reactive and jumping into arguments. Taking time to calm down and consider (means we have FAR fewer arguments).
*Not assuming the worst - thinking about other possibilities (instead of just thinking "he did X so he must be thinking Y")