I've been following your post for quite some time Complex. I need to update my story in the next couple days. I don't think that you are wrong not to trust her. My wife has been in a EA and PA since before October. I of course needed to find out the truth so I had GPS placed on her car. This confirmed everything for me. Well, she found the GPS at the end of December and since then has been giving be the silent treatment since as if placing a GPS on a car to confirm W's indiscretions is somehow worse than having an affair. I believe it hast to be defense mechanism on their part to hide guilt and shame. Just a few days ago, in the heat of an argument she said that she didn't trust me because of the GPS, which just shows that they will do anything and everything to protect themselves and their decisions.
M44, W38 S5,S3 Met - 09/07 Engaged - 2/08 Married - 11/08 New house - 10/13 Bomb dropped - 11/14 EA confirmed - 11/14 PA - strong suspicion WAW Plastic surgeries - 12/14 WAW stopped wearing rings - 12/31/14
I've been following your post for quite some time Complex. I need to update my story in the next couple days. I don't think that you are wrong not to trust her. My wife has been in a EA and PA since before October. I of course needed to find out the truth so I had GPS placed on her car. This confirmed everything for me. Well, she found the GPS at the end of December and since then has been giving be the silent treatment since as if placing a GPS on a car to confirm W's indiscretions is somehow worse than having an affair. I believe it hast to be defense mechanism on their part to hide guilt and shame. Just a few days ago, in the heat of an argument she said that she didn't trust me because of the GPS, which just shows that they will do anything and everything to protect themselves and their decisions.
I just noticed your timeline. Stopped wearing the rings. The plastic surgeries and then out the house.
Have you accepted that she had made a decision well before this and this is what she kind of planned?
Your analysis is interesting. Let me suggest a different take on it, from a fellow DB practitioner.
Your error was not to mistrust your WAW, it was how you communicated it to her. WAW are not to be trusted. Mine and that of just about everyone here lied until caught, no matter their character or track record. Read on other boards and cheating spouses do the exact same thing the world over. They've lost their respect and commitment to LBS, so their only concern is to protect their current situation. Lies do that.
Now what you've done is not just to mistrust your WAW but to assume the worst and confront her without proof. She made a fool of you. Starsky309 didn't even confront his WAW when he had all the evidence he needed. He just said: "Stop. We both know you're lying" and moved on. He had a full house and let his WAW wonder. You've seen magic, right? You know how they distract your attention while performing the trick? It's called misdirection. That's what she did. Never let the culprit choose the incriminating evidence.
The fact that she's upset does not mean that you're not making progress. In fact, this whole blowup about the GPS sounded to me like that of someone who feels vulnerable. She did not have a calm explanation, she had dynamite to keep you at a distance. Certainly, you'll agree that she doesn't want you to snoop. Why? Is it really that upsetting?
Finally, we all have little chances of saving our M. We can't nice our WAS back. It has to come from them. It gets worse before it gets better. Try to come up with a plan, with a long term perspective. It sounds like something that would benefit not only your sitch but the rest of your life.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
She told me about OM at BD 6 months ago. After that tho she played it down. But she told me she still hasn't seen him out of work, I can't prove everything but I have enough evidence to believe her. IMO they are atill good 'friends' and in love with each other but it's a non fulfilled love. So W wants out asap with the 'dream' of making it work one day with OM. Assumption I know, but it makes perfectly sense.
Btw, for lent she told me she is deactivating her FB account. She just did, no announcement on FB itself. Kinda weird, she told me she was using it too much and wanted to give sth up. Kinda weird if you ask me, but ok I won't read too much into it.
Last edited by Complex; 02/18/1508:07 PM.
Me 32 (German) Wife 28 T 3yrs M 2yrs Moved to US for W No kids BD 6/2014 In house separation Confirmed EA 1/2015 (ongoing since BD) OM not ready Real D talk started 1/27/15
Your analysis is interesting. Let me suggest a different take on it, from a fellow DB practitioner.
Your error was not to mistrust your WAW, it was how you communicated it to her. WAW are not to be trusted. Mine and that of just about everyone here lied until caught, no matter their character or track record. Read on other boards and cheating spouses do the exact same thing the world over. They've lost their respect and commitment to LBS, so their only concern is to protect their current situation. Lies do that.
Now what you've done is not just to mistrust your WAW but to assume the worst and confront her without proof. She made a fool of you. Starsky309 didn't even confront his WAW when he had all the evidence he needed. He just said: "Stop. We both know you're lying" and moved on. He had a full house and let his WAW wonder. You've seen magic, right? You know how they distract your attention while performing the trick? It's called misdirection. That's what she did. Never let the culprit choose the incriminating evidence.
The fact that she's upset does not mean that you're not making progress. In fact, this whole blowup about the GPS sounded to me like that of someone who feels vulnerable. She did not have a calm explanation, she had dynamite to keep you at a distance. Certainly, you'll agree that she doesn't want you to snoop. Why? Is it really that upsetting?
Finally, we all have little chances of saving our M. We can't nice our WAS back. It has to come from them. It gets worse before it gets better. Try to come up with a plan, with a long term perspective. It sounds like something that would benefit not only your sitch but the rest of your life.
I've been following your post for quite some time Complex. I need to update my story in the next couple days. I don't think that you are wrong not to trust her. My wife has been in a EA and PA since before October. I of course needed to find out the truth so I had GPS placed on her car. This confirmed everything for me. Well, she found the GPS at the end of December and since then has been giving be the silent treatment since as if placing a GPS on a car to confirm W's indiscretions is somehow worse than having an affair. I believe it hast to be defense mechanism on their part to hide guilt and shame. Just a few days ago, in the heat of an argument she said that she didn't trust me because of the GPS, which just shows that they will do anything and everything to protect themselves and their decisions.
I see what you are saying. I can see the defense mechanism working in my W's face when we have discussions. It's almost comical. I did travk her miles a few times and everything was legit, and like I said I have enough evidence to back up she didn't lie to me. The problem lies deeper than that!!
Me 32 (German) Wife 28 T 3yrs M 2yrs Moved to US for W No kids BD 6/2014 In house separation Confirmed EA 1/2015 (ongoing since BD) OM not ready Real D talk started 1/27/15
And you're certain that what she told you about OM at BD 6 months ago was true?
Yes I am. With confidence. I know you are critical Starsky. But she has been more honest than many many other WAW's here. The problem lies deeper. It's a psychological labyrinth...
Me 32 (German) Wife 28 T 3yrs M 2yrs Moved to US for W No kids BD 6/2014 In house separation Confirmed EA 1/2015 (ongoing since BD) OM not ready Real D talk started 1/27/15
Very good post Mozza. Human psychology is very complicated, I think it would be beneficial for all of us to learn some more about it to understand the works of our WAS's brains.
Confronting never helped. So I now stopped with that.
She is for sure protecting herself and her believes. Human psychology 101. She is misdirecting me too, I can see that. She feels vulnerable for sure and every time we discuss sth she is using dynamite to get away from me, to make me be the person that she wants to leave, for validation. Instead of helping to make this more livable she makes it worse so she can think "and that's why I want a D". But sometimes I got mysekf there, which is even better validation for her. So this needs to completely stop. I'm already much better about it which seems to make her even more angry...
To me this is mind blowing bc I have such a high emotional intelligence that I do t know if I could "trick" myself into believes like she does. As an observer this is very hard to watch. It hurts, disappoints. And for some ppl it will take years to realize, it'll take the same situation for them the other way around to realize, or they might never.
So ok I need a plan you said. What do you mean by that Mozza?
Last edited by Complex; 02/18/1508:27 PM.
Me 32 (German) Wife 28 T 3yrs M 2yrs Moved to US for W No kids BD 6/2014 In house separation Confirmed EA 1/2015 (ongoing since BD) OM not ready Real D talk started 1/27/15
