Train- I think you are right in a way that I hold the cards. I mean... in a way. Like, how much I allow him to continue to use and abuse me. I do think he feels a sense of insecurity not having me respond to him. But, it is hard to think that I have any card holding going on when I feel so out of control!
I did remind myself this morning that he does not control one aspect of my life. Nothing. He has no say in my life, how I live it, what I do. Whew. I need to keep reminding myself that. Just like I have no control of him... he has none of me.
He does not like to be controlled... however is in a very controlling situation. Admittedly that she is a control freak- but never admitted that HE was controlled.
I think both of us have lived in denial.
Bea- I looked it up... and yeah... definitely looks like I fit the bill. I had been going to ic for a year. I actually stopped in December (a time when I prob needed most) to see someone else. I didn't feel that my c was really pushing me along. Just always listened and said I was doing great. So... I made an appt elsewhere, but I have to wait a bit before I can get in for the first time. I start in March. He is going to get his money's worth with me!
Job- we will see what he does, right? Sit and wait and the answers will come... where have I heard that? It is true! But, I am going to continue to focus on me. I let things go a little more every day.
Wonka- That's what I left him with during the summer... sounded like a monsoon. Too bad he saw a rainbow after he left the storm. Well... hurricane season starts soon, right?
He just seems to have such a soft spot now for her bc of the baby. The only soft spot he has anymore! The, "I'd get so annoyed just looking at her knowing what kind of person she is." Has turned into someone he has feelings for, respects, says is a nice, caring person.
That's ok, though. I know the truth. I knew it in my heart. He confirmed what I knew, even if he says differently now. But I know me. I know what he is losing. Me, by being with her. And, him, by being with her. He is in a lose/lose situation.
D13 birthday today.... wait! Ah! D14! I took her basketball team breakfast this morning at the end of practice. She thinks she wants to go sledding this afternoon. Good day to do that then chill with a movie by the fire.
This will be the first day xh will not spend with her on her birthday. (She told me he had the wrong day the other day) Last year we were in PR for her birthday. We are usually on vacation to celebrate.
Awww... crap. The city just called and said I will lose the STAR exemption for property tax bc the house is still in xh name. So hww gets the exemption. It has been on this house for 14 years. I cannot change it to my name until the renos are done. I am so pi$$ed about this. I can't believe it. And, I will lose the va discount, too. My mortgage pymnt has already increased $200 bc escrow was short for some reason and ins went up due to the flood 1.5 yrs ago. Now I will have to compensate for two more things on my payment. This is killing me financially now.
I usually take these things in stride... but I am so tired of this never coming to an end. And that I constantly have to deal with their selfishness.
