Part 13 - contents (un)lucky for some

[edz]

GG you're a devil with your pizza, ham and cheese! Luckily I was well away by then (~4:30am our time) so didnt get driven wild with your tales of pizza goodness....mmmm pizza goodness (no, 9:34 is too early )

[edz]

Well a busy morning so far.

Drains are now resolved thanks to lots of rods, pressure washers and other shenanigans going on in the road and driveway, times like this glad Im renting as that looked expensive!

So this morning managed to begin the morning exercise routine (and the morning seems a good time to try to do that) had been doing the stretching etc last few days but brought the trunk exercises in before the hot shower (this seemed a good idea and proved to be) was supposed to do 25 of them, managed 30 before I felt, well, kn@ckered to be honest. Then had a shower on hot to get over it. Feel like someone had parked a car on my stomach right now but sure it will be "a good thing" as time wears on.

On the black coffee and really not eating until tonight (sometimes its advised to have something like a biscuit mid morning to ensure your sugar levels are ok but that gets out of control fast) swimming this evening and a shop run as Im low on some supplies.

And thats me at the moment.

Slept really well (most likely the exercise and previous late night thanks to house of cards) some odd dreams going on but cant say they were bad ones, just bizarre.

So generally ok today, I'd like some movement on w front but not expecting anything today, maybe there'll be a sudden surge of her talking, maybe not, she certainly seems like she's got lots on her mind and holding some of it back whenever I talk to her (maybe thing maybe not) for now just keeping on keeping on. Only two days or so to s which is always good.

[rd500]

Hi Edz. You seem rally positive and only 2 days before S. Hope they fly by for you

Take care. Rd

[edz]

Thanks Rd, mostly am positive, I think in acceptance of current status is a fair way to put it.

Is everything how I want it to be for me to be happy? No.

Am I doing everything on those bits *I* can affect? Yessss(ish) need to wait till the end of the month for some of it but for now mostly yes.

Are there things that are outside of my control to change. Absolutely yes but by definition I cant change them without impacting other things I want so these have to remain parked, for now.

Right now sitch in relation to reconciliation is in w's court. My 180s are becoming so fully embedded they're no longer 180s, just me, cant say im loving the exercising but I'm doing it unbidden and keeping up nutrition and taking care of myself (although I need a haircut again), watching my appearance and trying to get out (money and time hurt me here but those are really excuses and Im trying). Of course the no 1 is relation with s which is not taken for granted as being good (it is, and constantly being developed - but I wont make any assumptions it will just "be like that" ever again).

So, yes, acceptance for now. I find myself thinking "come on w progress yourself" but there's no accelerator or fast forward I can use, she has to take her own steps.

Things like her decorating the flat get me down which is silly. She's just being more comfortable for her and s, but it reinforces she's more interested in bedding in there than considering any other options but then those are just assumptions and totally ignore the rules of believing nothing said and 50% of what's seen.

As I said, could all change in a heartbeat with one call, text or email for either reconciliation or full sail for divorce. Neither decision she can make is under my control, only how I decide to proceed and what I deicde to do myself going forward.

I mentioned on Toots thread I do sometimes wonder is w holding out for me to do something like see someone else or file so she can absolve herself of being the bad guy, she said to me she thought she "knew s would see her as the bad guy in all this" and that does concern me that she's just holding out for me to have had enough and move on. Again though, baseless or completely true what will worrying about it amount to. If I do make the decision enough is enough, I'd make it anyway if not well she's holding up her moving forward that was so very important a few months back.

W is also realising the effects on s and that there is no good outcome for s that doesn't amount to her "losing him" somewhat. I think that's tearing her up a lot. Make no mistake I have zero doubts w's prime concern is s's happiness regardless of anything else. This is a big contributor to our sitch in the first place. She has said s and I having the relationship we do now is what she wanted, I think she just wasnt prepared for the subsequent reduction in the r she has with him and not seeing him several days a week now.

Anyway, that turned into somewhat of a waffle, thanks again RD

[rd500]

Hi Edz, you sound very much like I feel. Your W leaving doesn't appear to be the happy ending she thought it might be. I hope I don't annoy any of the ladies on here but could your W be in a perimenopause state, I don't blame my sitch on my W going into perimenopause, (as confirmed by doctor) but I do think it was a major contribution to it. As you say the ball in in her court and you can only work on yourself. It does seem tough though, you spend most of your life with someone, go through all the ups and downs of that time and then they leave, don't seem to be living the dream but don't want to comeback. I suppose we can only see it through our eyes and if we could see it from their view we might understand more. I will post on my thread a little upset yesterday between W and S19. It's one of those things that my old W would have moved heaven and earth to avoid for S19 sake but now ?

I have a cousin that was had a WAW who was gone for over a year a they have been reconciled for over 7 years now and looking strong. Up until 1.5 months before she camback she wouldn't even look him in the eyes. Always hope my friend, always hope.

Take care, Rd

[edz]

Hi Rd

I will check out your thread in a bit, (work on one screen DB on the other ), honestly..dont know..maybe. Think there's aspects of age in there (cant go into too much you know me and guarding her privacy regarding things not *directly* connected) she hasnt told me so but it certainly could be. I think the bulk was the way our family became skewed toward her and s with me off to the side, started with my work then I felt pushed out and isolated myself, internalising more and more, as I tried to cling on she freaked and distanced...and so on then my r with s or lack of it and throw in a dash of poisonous MIL to taste. There were/are health and other issues in there that I wont go into, never been any sign of other people but lots of other pressures.

Lots for me to own, my issues not relating to s, pushing him away, lack of care for myself, my health and appearance. Overwheliming co-dependency which did nothing for my appeal I imagine.

Additionally I dont think I was fully in tune with her ll and the huge, huge weight she put on relationship with s which was itself horribly skewed by my feeling sidelined by w and lack of being able to relate due to my childhood being impacted by grandparents and mothers illness/fathers work.

Of course this is just the stuff *I* own and work on. W was not fault free whether she is in a position to own those issues or not I cant really comment on.

Nothing I know of we couldnt work through if she chose to but, again, I have no idea if thats something she would choose.

As you say, there are stories of those WAS who then reunite and even remarry after being divorced for years and then coming back together. They do offer hope I must say.

Catch you soon

Edz

[edz]

Well I put off engaging with w on finances as long as possible but I really need to get some things resolved this coming month (pay day on monday) so just emailed her.

Wont post the whole thing, stayed away from being mushy or being to accepting of anything (her financial issues now wouldnt be happening if she hadnt left but I have no desire to punish her or, worse, impact s) but also didnt want to go straight to hard edged and ruin our recent run of warm communications.

Effectively said I'll be making some changes at my end soon to get them straight and more manageable. I just want to know what w thinks is running out of the account and for how long or if its ongoing and if it can be settled if so for how much?

I said I know she has a lot on right now with work and various others making life difficult and I have no desire to be one of them or to just leave her with huge bills but I need to know what they are so I dont just cancel something thinking its no longer required. That money for s is in no way under discussion here and will continue. Asked her to let me know either to sit down and run through or to email me if she'd rather do it that way.

Said I wanted to make it clear there is no other motive here other than to try to structure my finances and I just want to ensure stability. That I look forward to us speaking again. Edz

So I wait to see if I will be hit with a rampage on being unfair, sorry that she hasnt sorted things or the far more likely, absolutely nothing!

Time will, I imagine, tell. Anyway off to swimming and then tescos (or swimming in tescos if the freezers have failed I suppose will be the same temperature either way )

Catch you all soon

Edz

[edz]

Back, one word, brrrrrrrrrrrrrr......

On with dinner, pork with spicey rice, lots and lots of chilli's this time. Oh and wine, been good, want wine, can't talk, wine......

[edz]

Well read receipt from w but nothing else, option 3 it appears is a winner. Ah well, never mind.

Other than that a rather nice evening. Bottle of white and some TV following a swift 50 lengths at the pool. Gone through some old mirrors and other bits I've been bringing from house to house as well as a CD player, centre speaker and some cordless headphones w got me, listed those up on gumtree. Hopefully can sell some and pay for some fun with s or if he stays serious a learner electric guitar and amp, we shall see I imagine

[Vanilla]

Edz

As long as BFT gets chicken, and cushions then all is right with the world.

V