Part 13 - contents (un)lucky for some

[edz]

Thanks Rd, mostly am positive, I think in acceptance of current status is a fair way to put it.

Is everything how I want it to be for me to be happy? No.

Am I doing everything on those bits *I* can affect? Yessss(ish) need to wait till the end of the month for some of it but for now mostly yes.

Are there things that are outside of my control to change. Absolutely yes but by definition I cant change them without impacting other things I want so these have to remain parked, for now.

Right now sitch in relation to reconciliation is in w's court. My 180s are becoming so fully embedded they're no longer 180s, just me, cant say im loving the exercising but I'm doing it unbidden and keeping up nutrition and taking care of myself (although I need a haircut again), watching my appearance and trying to get out (money and time hurt me here but those are really excuses and Im trying). Of course the no 1 is relation with s which is not taken for granted as being good (it is, and constantly being developed - but I wont make any assumptions it will just "be like that" ever again).

So, yes, acceptance for now. I find myself thinking "come on w progress yourself" but there's no accelerator or fast forward I can use, she has to take her own steps.

Things like her decorating the flat get me down which is silly. She's just being more comfortable for her and s, but it reinforces she's more interested in bedding in there than considering any other options but then those are just assumptions and totally ignore the rules of believing nothing said and 50% of what's seen.

As I said, could all change in a heartbeat with one call, text or email for either reconciliation or full sail for divorce. Neither decision she can make is under my control, only how I decide to proceed and what I deicde to do myself going forward.

I mentioned on Toots thread I do sometimes wonder is w holding out for me to do something like see someone else or file so she can absolve herself of being the bad guy, she said to me she thought she "knew s would see her as the bad guy in all this" and that does concern me that she's just holding out for me to have had enough and move on. Again though, baseless or completely true what will worrying about it amount to. If I do make the decision enough is enough, I'd make it anyway if not well she's holding up her moving forward that was so very important a few months back.

W is also realising the effects on s and that there is no good outcome for s that doesn't amount to her "losing him" somewhat. I think that's tearing her up a lot. Make no mistake I have zero doubts w's prime concern is s's happiness regardless of anything else. This is a big contributor to our sitch in the first place. She has said s and I having the relationship we do now is what she wanted, I think she just wasnt prepared for the subsequent reduction in the r she has with him and not seeing him several days a week now.

Anyway, that turned into somewhat of a waffle, thanks again RD