So many thoughts swirling around in my head. Yesterday I had a really, really rough day. It felt like another BD-- couldn't sleep, had trouble eating, crying all day and couldn't get out of bed. Luckily I had an IC appointment, and I'm feeling much much better today.
I've been trying to form some coherent thoughts, but they are not quite coming together. Maybe some of you can help. I would certainly appreciate some input from the vets.
-- I feel so sad to be shut out of my H's family during this painful time. It has been such a painful reminder to me of what I have lost in this process-- the closeness I had with my SIL and MIL, for ex, and that I am not their family anymore.
--It's felt like a whole new BD in a way... my WAH's own father left his mother when he was very young. He and his wife were married for nearly 35 years. And yet my WAH has no real connection with his SM or SSiblings. He finds her very difficult to deal with and she was a source of real stress while his F was ill. The impact of divorce clearly can last a lifetime. The fact that his F's death has not seemed to make him rethink his commitment to abandoning our M (more on that in a moment) feels like another rejection all over again.
-- How do I know/why do I think he's not rethinking things? Well, I emailed him to tell him how sad I was about his father's passing, that I still cared about him, that this has been a painful and confusing time for me, and that I wasn't sure how to offer support given the boundaries he's placed on our relationship. It was probably a dumb move to email him, and a form of temperature checking. And, I guess I had some expectations. sigh.
His reply was full of pleasant, complimentary, thankful thoughts: Here's a sampling "This is a beautiful note" "I care about you, too, and not simply because you are the mother of my daughter." "You have been tremendously supportive"
And... "That you and I haven't yet fallen into a "new normal" (something I hope we can achieve in due time), surely contributes to the confusion about how to feel, how to help and support, and what to do" "the boundary between us that you mention doesn't have to mean that we don't acknowledge that we care about one another's well being or find ways, within our respective comfort zones, to make the other feel supported. I know we'll be presented with those opportunities many times to come. "Once again, thanks for your kindness"
--He's SO resolute in his position that there is no hope for our marriage, but yet wants to have this relationship that I can't even define, and can't imagine having with him at this point. This is the kind of relationship I imagine people have if they came to the decision to divorce together-- the "conscious uncoupling" type of relationship. Will I ever be able to feel that way about him? This divorce seems so unnecessary and hurtful to me. The fact that there was NO effort to attempt to repair our relationship baffles me. I just can't process these feelings, even after all this time.
I feel very confused and hurt right now. So confused that I'm even toying with the idea of insisting on a meeting with MWD herself as part of our settlement-- if only to help ME move on and help us come to a better place as co-parents.
--AND-- he has yet another business trip next week (really!) and has actually emailed me, "that means that D4 will have to stay with you Monday night." REALLY?!?! I can't even.
--I've been doing so much STFU I feel like I'm going to explode.
--We told D4 together here this afternoon. She was so upset. She asked WAH if he could stay for a bit. I told him he was welcome to stay as long as he wanted. He said to her, "But I have things to do. I have to do laundry, take my dry cleaning in, unpack my suitcase." I'm not kidding. Does he really wonder why she wants me to hold her instead of him??
Please throw me a life preserver. I feel like I'm drowning.
