C- I am sorry you are hurting, and I hope your 10 year went as well as it could have, given the circumstances. I really wish you'd start a new thread, i feel like you need to get things off your chest. (don't make me start one for you)
Mozza-Sorry to make you teary-eyed, it happens to the best of us. I break down randomly too, from the stupidest reasons. -------- Here's another thought from the W. (No i didnt paraphrase it, i really just don't feel like it). Keep in mind, none of our friends can read this. Just random people online.
"I know a lot of you are so confused and concerned as to what has happened with me, and to be honest I don’t know. Before summer tim left for ranger school and it broke me. Before he even left I was feeling it..our marriage wasn’t healthy. We got sucked into the roles we became and our life was Army. It was all we talked about, and everything depended on it, and it became so much more important than anything else, and it changed both of us. It all started over deployment years ago, then continued when he got back to Alaska, and then got worse going Georgia. His prioriy and focus was his promotion to Captain and Ranger School and my life was taking care of our dogs and him, and with that happening I didn’t get taken care of and my job as stay at home wife made me resentful and bitter and angry and hurt. He had his head down and focused on things that would make him better in work and at times I would have to beg him to love me, fights would get physical and scary, and then they wouldn’t be discussed or promises of change would be made but not kept. I couldn’t let go of thins that were done and said to me, and that made me not give 100 percent at home. I hated im telling me Ive accomplished nothing in life, or how nothing was mine because I didn’t earn the money, asking him every weekend for the simplest things like going ot get coffee and then walk around downtown but being told no because its a waste of gas or whats the point or we don’t have the money..I didn’t want to buy anything..its just being a wife kept up in the house all day because you get in trouble when you do drive because youre wastin gas makes you want to go out and see something. see people. On top of it, I didn’t feel good about myself..I felt ugly, and like my life had gone nowhere. I was doing nothing but the same thing every day. Before he left in May, I hated he never talked about how hed miss me..it was all talk about preparing for school. As an army wife I was just expected id be fine I guess? I wasn’t. I broke. And being depressed in a huge empty house with no one there killed my soul. 90 days later, 90 days of only mail which I couldn’t even bring myself to write back or read I was dead. He came home, and at his graduation ceremony I remember thinking was it worth it? was it worth doing this to me? losing me? ….so much happened and I wish I would have turned here to keep you all updated but I wasn’t me. I haven’t been. for a long time. I stopped turning to god, I started smoking, I cut off all communication with everyone but my mom. I moved to Tennessee to live with a friend because I know I cant afford it on my own and that has caused even more problems and then I got a job I hated and quit the job, I left for Maryland and got halfway there and came back, Im not strong right now. I am still finding who I was or want to be, im still hurt, I still regret so much. I know that’s vague and I wish I could explain more but its way too much to type. with all that said, tim is not a bad person, he is a man who lost himself in work and did things the wrong way but so did I. No one knows the right way to do everything..we both made mistakes and his ability to do what he does is rare, and honorable. We still speak and just because things went the way they did doesn’t mean I think any less of him, he is full of good qualities and I say this because I don’t want any of you to think I am blaming him or like I have no faults. You could only understand if you were there through everything and there is so much I cant type it all.."
------ When I first read it, I was really hurt, because it just made me so sad. But I talked to a friend, and you know what? What she wrote here, is almost verbatim to what I wrote in my first post here, describing my sitch. I am not the bad guy, or big bad wolf as C calls it. She says she has her faults too, and has her regrets.
I am glad that this story of hers, actually matches mine now. It is not a "rewriting of the marriage" but we both agree on what happened. Im trying to look at this as a positive, in that, she realizes its not just me. Does she want to work on the M? Probably not. But at least Im not the bad guy anymore, and by continuing to do what I am doing, will hopefully keep drawing her back in.
Thoughts? (YEA, my real name is Tim. This shouldnt be a surprise-many people go by first names here)
ME: 28 W: 24 M: 2.5yrs T: 5yrs BD: 22 SEP 14 W Leaves: 5 OCT 14
