Mighty, you are going to start seeing some anger from him when he realizes you are serious about not having contact. Not your problem,though.
I get that you want to understand. I had to dig in deep, take off the rose colored glasses, face some really tough stuff in order to get to where I needed to be.
I get it. Looking back and taking stock is important in this journey. You just dont want to live there.
It's hard to become a separate entity when your lives are so heavily emeshed. I know it was for me. I was really small by the time bomb date rolled around. I had to grow me back. I am not going to lie, it was hard work. It involved looking at some tough stuff.
I needed to say to myself every single day, I am ok. I am worthy. I had to make a mindful decision that I was going to find me.
I looked within and faced my fears. I thought about the fact what if he passed away? I would grieve and then I would move forward. I knew I would be ok. I had no choice.
The stronger I got, the more confident I got, the more I could see that I could do it.
You feel how you do, M. There arent wrong feelings. Its what you do with them that counts. Its how you move through them that matters.
You have to want, with every part of you, to become who you are meant to be. You have to make the decision to let him go, with the knowledge that you will be ok.
And you will be. I know you know that. The thing is that the people we love should enhance our lives, not define it. When we become lost in them, we lose ourselves.
Find Mighty. I mean really find her. Who is she? What does she like? What are her characteristics, her qualities, beliefs and strengths and weaknesses?
He has no power or control over your life, M. None. He is just a man. Thats it.
You have a wonderful mind. Figure out how you got to be the person you were in your marriage.
"I hope you don't allow s17 to slip into his old ways. This isnt about you or me Mighty.."
LOL!!!! He's gettin' DESPERATE to goad you now, ain't he? I actually find "this" phase of most WASs wildly entertaining. It's like they realize "niceties" aren't going to work to keep you where they want you. So the OBVIOUS next choice is to "entice" you into an argument. Yeah, yeah. That's the ticket.
I think I remember my boyfriends doing that in, oh, middle school maybe?
Silly, ridiculous boy. Little does he know he's trying to toy with someone with a PhD.
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
uR, have you ever read the book, Bud, Not Buddy? It's a children's novel(around intermediate grade-level) and one of my faves.
Anyway, the character, Bud, who is an orphan during the Depression talks about how ideas start as tiny seeds. And how its amazing that a tiny seed can grow into a mighty maple.
Well... that post^^ right there, that you did... reminded me of a tiny seed.
I know you grew into a mighty maple. And... you have planted a seed in me.
I guess I hadn't really thought about the anger coming back. I haven't seen it in so long. I really thought he'd gotten rid of it. He said to me about 2 months ago, he didn't understand why he was always so angry (in our marriage) and it was so unnecessary. I was actually surprised at how unangry he has been the past couple of months. Even when I, (gulp), tried to engage in a fight with him- yeah... I had some moments.
But, I think you are right, and I think that was the first little sign. He still blamed me for a lot of s17's mistakes. Even when s17 would call him out and show him he was angry at him. But... that's part of it.
Just on a side note... some things that show he still has a long way to go... (I knew this when he came back, and was worried about how much he had to go... but thought he'd be around for it... duh)
Anyway, I was thinking how he was playing the lotto every time and was really hoping that it would solve his problems.
And, he would talk, still about escaping. Moving away or moving off the grid.
Well... enough about him. These are simple reminders to allow my seeds to take root. To be firm. Strong. And... seeds don't need other seeds to grow. It only takes one seed to grow into a mighty maple!
He's got some f'ing nerve suggesting YOU would be responsible if S17 fell back into his old ways!!! What about the example of his DAD falling back into HIS old ways???? I'd be so tempted to say that to his face, but have to agree that would just be playing into his hands. He's like a child; even bad attention is better than no attention in his mind. Ignore.
Anyway, I was thinking how he was playing the lotto every time and was really hoping that it would solve his problems.
And, he would talk, still about escaping. Moving away or moving off the grid.
When I read this, I thought you were talking about my H, LOL. He used to say that lotto is for people who are bad at math, but nevertheless kept buying the tickets. And “moving off the grid”… Yeah, my H wanted to live in Mexico, away from everything, having a simple live, without a phone and computer… I guess it must have changed recently, because now he is on Facebook, connected to people from who knows where and in constant touch. And… he is using Facebook on his phone! I cannot believe it is H I used to know.
Yes, I think your xh has a long way to go. And I bet you will get a lot more “random” texts. You are doing great job of not engaging. I think this is little step towards staying out of his mess.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
