Susana (4) - Do you have to be confusin'?

[susana4]

Thread title from the lyrics of Susan by the Buckinghams (seems apt)

History

12/3/2014 H dropped bomb - completely out of blue. He said he'd been in denial and didn't realise he was unhappy, but he no longer felt like himself and hadn't brought it up because of fear of conflict. Immediately moves to separate bedroom, carries on doing my laundry, watching TV together, etc. - in short, being really nice.
Confusing!

December Lots of tears. Begging. Pleading. Then we go abroad for Xmas with my family and he acts almost normal - cuddles, hand holding, tickle fights. He says:
*I still love you.
*I'm attracted to you.
*I don't want to be with anyone else.
Lots of confusion.

January 2015 H goes to parents for New Years. I soul search. I discover DBing. He comes home and I stop all R talks, all begging, drop out of MC.
Start to feel a bit less confused.

Now H and I are living together in rental until my visa and job situation is sorted (prob will be March or April). He is absolutely certain he wants to proceed with S and D, at least as far as I know. We have absolutely NO R talks these days.

My old threads--

Susana - Intro & 180 Questions - I try to enforce a boundary and fail, and accidentally backslide. I go out more and dress up. H starts tickle fights. I question whether there's an OW and start and stop snooping. My 180 is no arguing and I succeed apart from one time. H begins to introspect and challenge his people pleasing. H grows more distant.

Susana (2) - Learning to Detach - I GAL some more, and question whether I went too far. I become friendlier. H and I do an activity together. H grows closer, more touching and hugs. I stop talking to H about my problems, and he shares more about his. H introspects more and questions his fear of conflict. I start on ADs, and struggle with them.

Oh, Susana! (3) - H goes on vacation. I struggle with ADs, then start to feel better. I do some more introspection, and work hard on my 180s. I contemplate LL. H and I do some activities together - we go geocaching, go to a maze. H nearly kisses me - a few times.


Challenges in our M/What led us here...
*My criticisms led to H changing himself because of people pleasing/fear of conflict. (He eventually felt he wasn’t himself and couldn't be himself, and be with me.)
*H fear of conflict - we argued too much
*H never told me any concerns/complains until BD, because “didn’t want to have problems in our M”. Didn’t have healthy model of M growing up, and was taken from his father at 4 and moved to another country. Witnessed domestic abuse between mother & stepfather and was subject of emotional abuse. Has never had IC, doesn’t want to and thinks he’s not affected by past.
*Spent too much time together/H felt smothered, I needed quality time but wasn't getting the quality/connection, just quantity
*H felt responsible for my emotions (engulfed?) and like he needed to fix them. I went through 6-8 months of moderate to severe anxiety and depression due to work - he claims this wasn't related, but I think it created an unhealthy cycle where he tried to fix it, I leaned on him for support (instead of getting medical/psych support) and eventually he felt he wasn't good enough because he couldn't fix it.

My 180s
*Stop criticising completely. Give compliments and gratitude (WOA).
*Don't be reactive or engage in arguments. (Give myself 5 minutes at least to calm down.)
*Stop fixing things, don't give advice (just validate)
*Work on my anxiety & depression - IC and ADs
*Don't force conversation or fill in conversational gaps - allow silence.
*Listen actively and validate and don't talk too much about myself