train, how are you?

[Train]

Aw, 4mend, thank you for your support and encouragement.

It seems I don't have much of a problem with the "re-attraction" thing. I'm an old pro at that part of DBing. But I screwed the pooch on piecing the first time and am all over the place this time. IOW, I'm clearly no expert on how to put Humpty back together.

I *do* know that this "piecing" thing is no joke. And the thing is: I second-guess posting here about my own personal sitch all the time because I don't want to discourage people who are already feeling really discouraged. But it seems awfully disingenuous of me to pretend, even if only through my silence, that everything over here is all sunshine and rainbows and unicorns. I am so thankful for your feedback and that my post helped validate you. The thing is: there's no fairy-tale ending. There's no specific beginning to this madness, and I don't see that there's a specific end. That's because relationships take WORK.

I have done better at some times than others. Right now is a down time, and that's what I was attempting to get at in that first post: even though I don't consider myself an "anniversary person," I do think that the anniversary/antiversary is reeking havoc on my psyche right now. Why else would I be so up and down right now?

uRworthy and labug wrote today on Maybell's thread about learning to ask for what we need. I have identified this as something I really need to work on in myself. And as I was in bed Saturday night, I literally almost drove myself nuts trying to figure out *what it is* I wanted/needed in that exact moment ... and how to ask for it. But my anger and my "cycling" really stood in the way of me figuring out the healthiest way to handle the situation. Meanwhile, H was downstairs, scared out of his mind that I was going to leave or fly off the handle. And I'm thinking: If I do just *one thing wrong*, he's going to leave again.

Ugh. Round and round and round it goes ...

H thinks he doesn't "deserve" for me to meet his needs; he even went so far as to suggest that we cut off ML until he has "earned" it by consistently meeting my needs. And to be honest: that broke my heart to hear him say. This isn't about score-keeping. He doesn't have a lot of time for "intimate conversation" because *he's always working* to provide for our family. And he's tired. But he's being faithful. And he's providing, allowing me to stay home with the kids. ALL of this must be kept in perspective when I get a little butt-hurt because I feel he's trying to "rush" one date ... and it's one that, let's be honest, he was really nervous about because we had BOTH mentally prepared for it to end in disaster. (Essentially, we CREATED that for ourselves.)

That was a bunch of rambling.

Thankfully, I'm feeling a little better now. I still have a lot of work to do on myself, and I have to keep reminding myself that H isn't going to walk out over one night of me not feeling or acting my best. He's demonstrating a lot of patience with my "mood swings."

And 4mend, I still struggle with what exactly "forgiveness" is. I can read about it all day long. The problem is: I'm naturally very forgiving; in fact, my dad used to say I'm *too* forgiving (though I don't know what that would look like, either). I imagine forgiveness happens after a lot of practice ... and a lot of time. DB principles, I think, help with that process a whole lot.

Thanks for sticking with me and, again, for your kind note.

Keep your chin up. And thanks for propping mine up for me today.