W still having PA with OP

[4mendmj]

No cigarette in 2 1/2 days now. Meet with lawyer later this morning just to learn more. Work late today and off tomorrow. Went to target and bought two laundry baskets and put w's laundry in New baskets and into her room. Felt good and sad at same time. Detachment will be a daily struggle for me. Left lawyer card and some paperwork on a coparent class or state requires in the bathroom for her to trip on. Heading swimming next...

[mvgfwd2]

Stop doing her laundry. Don't allow yourself to just be her maid and housekeeper.

[4mendmj]

Met with lawyer which gave me some peace of mind regarding finances and custody should we divorce. Gives me the strength to keep moving forward for me while still married. I read Train's post about the struggle, will say more over there but dangit that hit hard for some reason. But, I want to stay married and I am not going to stay married by filing for divorce so... Next steps...actions not words....

1) Day off tomorrow going to clean my closet to better organize the little bit of clutter in my life
2) Going to swim tomorrow, do a fun lunch tomorrow out, making plans for my once a week evening out with friends
3)separating finances tomorrow for me. W makes more than me but she spends more than she makes so I am giving my money back to me for me. I don't need to be an enabler for her and I don't need to go to work to watch someone else spend it on their OW.
4) W not speaking to me hardly at all, like 10 words a day maybe. Need to learn to understand that is probably ok right now. She is in the middle of a PA so she is not a fan of mine and I need to do my thing for me and will see if it improves in the next # of weeks.

Marathon not a sprint is something I struggle with daily, but alas I am still here. Have been, will continue to be. I keep re-reading some of the responses in my thread, thank you again to all of you. Your words help me even after the fact. I have been reacting too much to things and need to be proactive for me. I say I want to save my marriage but I read other sitchs where it is hard for the LBS to show any change when the WAW is already separated. Someone's quote says time is a gift....I need to remember that daily. I have not had a cigarette now in 3 days. Not one. Big step. Very proud. Have not said a word to W. She would see it as a ploy, but I know it is good for me and good for D6 too that her dad will be more healthy. Need to be careful of the extra snacks right now as I know I eat way more when I quit smoking but, I can do this. I want W to leave her PA addicition so, I say I can kick my habit and prove to myself that changes can be made.

[4mendmj]

Just signed up to give blood for the first time ever!!! That is a big one for me. I hate needles and it will be totally out of my comfort zone but, I can hopefully save a life and get over a fear. Always looking for something that I would never do and I guess this one tipped over me today. Red cross comes to our business and we can do it right from work so why not?

[4mendmj]

Thanks mvgfwd2. As you are new, the actual posting was delayed so wanted to acknowledge now I see your responses and appreciate them. I did inded purchase at Target this morning two laundry baskets and put all of her dirty clothing into them and put them into her room this morning. I like your idea about re-decorating the bedroom too...for me. It is our bedroom and yet she left it yet she comes in there all the time as her closet and shoes and underwear drawer etc. are all still in there. Just another ackward moment in the 4mendmj home that I smile each time so as to not look uncomfortable. W messaged me this evening asking if the laundy in her room was dirty or clean...I simply responded dirty. I of course did not get a response of appreciate back nor do I expect any courtesy for the next # of days but you are all right. Why am I pampering or caring for or cleaning up behind a messy WAW? I am not. I have stopped and I instead spend that time doing something for me.

Need to come up with another cool thing for tomorrow. I see a lot about buying new clothing on here. Might just buy a new cool looking shirt for me tomorrow and walk the mall with a pretzle or something...for me.

[Ontheup]

Hey 4

Great stuff on the no smoking keep it up. Amazing really my wife hates smoking has never smoked or even tried a cig. OM is a casual smoker. go figure
Our house is also a bomb site. My wife is generally a very messy person and it was me who did 90% of the house hold chores. I'm now doing the bare minimum. cooking teas, washing, pots etc. just enough that needs doing for D8 really. My new place will be spotless.

[mvgfwd2]

Maybe think about separating some of the expenses. Like her car payment if she has one, or her phone bill, credit cards, etc. Your money for the family expenses only. No reason you should support things that are detrimental to the family. It's not a tactic, it's about protecting yourself.

Remember don't ask, just do. If you do discuss it with her ahead of time only discuss the "how" or "when" it will happen so she knows it's coming, not what she thinks about it. If she doesn't like it that is her problem. Consequences of a WAW without talking about D.

[mvgfwd2]

Just a thought about what to do when the WAS takes off the wedding rings. I would just take them and put them away in a safe place. When the WAS asks where they are I would say "you gave them back to me when you took them off, you can have them when you want to be married to me". And only give them back when the WAS ends the A, confirmation required, and is trying to reconcile. Anybody have any thoughts on this type of action?

[4mendmj]

The highs and lows of this process. Last night I came home, thinking/knowing that W would be upset/mad that I purchase laundry hampers and put all her laundry in her room. I walked in the door and W was on the phone with the OW. I completely 180d... instead of getting standoffish or even going in a different room to "give her space"/not want to hear it...I just started talking to her like she didn't have a phone to her ear. Pretended she wasn't rude enough to be talking to OW. She knew I would walk in the door at 815pm...no mystery there...but me...I just started talking "how was your day" etc.... within a few minutes she went into her bedroom to continue her conversation. Fine, bye bye. I got myself something to eat and headed into the living room. Another 180...I would always wait until she was around to watch one of the few shows we wanted to really watch together. Nope. I sat down, turned on the show I/we really wanted to watch and started watching it. It did not take 2 minutes and she was out in the living room. No clue why...whether it was the pretending she wasn't on the phone, starting a show we both love without her...who knows, doesn't matter. I said X show just started. She sat down and started watching right away. Very little talk the rest of the evening other than around whatever show we watched but I made it clear at least for now that I was going to live "As if" and she can join me or not.

This morning hurt. I learned this morning for D6 that OW came over last night before I got off work. D6 said mommy made her a pb&j and gave her the rest of the (large) bag of potato chips. D6 told me she ended up with a tummy ache from eating too many chips. Drug addiction mommy handed a kid a sandwich and 1/3 of a large bag of potato chips and D6 ate it all and paid the consequences. Sad for W frankly. D6 told me that OW came over. D6 said D6 got put in bed and wasn't able to "chat" with OW (D6 thinks that D6 and OW are BFFs because W and OW keep buying D6). D6 was upset this morning that W said she had to go to bed and could not talk to OW.

Also found this morning OW made a heart in the snow in our driveway yesterday evening when she came over. I am soooo flipping upset/pissed over that but I am applying the 48 hour rule to this one. I took a photo of the heart (made with a shoe at the bottom of our steps). I almost sent a photo of the heart to OW and W at the same time saying something like "not cool" but knew I would just be making it worse. Instead I will use the photo to bring up a boundary I have...going forward I do not want OW in our home. I have seen lots of references throughout the forum about other LBSs stating boundaries over this one and I am going to have to do the same.

I keep waffling...Train's post about finally getting what she wanted (H back home) and then still suffering through it all hits home. OntheUp's wife not only speaks to him but talks to him like nothing is wrong yet he is moving out momentarily. WTF is wrong with these WAS? I know, lots. But I keep reading....time...time is your friend...marathon not a sprint...I keep reading the old timer's advice threads and the tips and tricks threads...DBing is about changing you for the better and if the WAS sees it or comes around...lucky them not to lose "a guy no one could lose"... I struggle with that much of that does not apply to me right now because I cannot apply about 95% of what is in DR that I have now completely read...I cannot apply about 95% of all the tips and tricks on the board.

Why? My spouse is still having an affair. Dead middle of it. Wish she was at rock bottom but she is not, she has signs of it but she is not. I wish she was. I wish I had a magic bullet but alas, I do not. I cannot apply most of these tips and ideas and solution oriented processes (takes one to tango) to my sitch because of the affair. I have to detach and that stinks...I have to live as if because it is true that I will be ok no matter what...I keep trying to find the magic bullet, but I might actually start succeeding as soon as I quit looking for it.

I read the success forums. Most of them the WAW was literally 24-72 hours before retrovial time, still spending 95% of their life with OP...so like you don't even know when it is going to happen. You have to be you, you have to be thankful you are still in the same home so at least she can see the improvements/changes you are making... you have to live your life in hopes that your spouse and their R with OP blows up regardless of whom destroys it and comes back to your R... I have always feared that if I do this, tomorrow would have been the day she comes back. Many of the stories I read in the success, says a few days after they finally gave up hope, it actually happened... as if.... as if we literally have to wait for our spouses to the literal bitter end before they finally pull their head out of their a$$ and wake up to their real life...wake up to that they have been ignoring their child and their home and their marriage for too long. I pray I get the blubbering snot nosed pleading and begging to come back...I hope... I hope I get to spend the rest of my life with my beautiful wife... I hope... but until then I will keep improving me and D6. hearts in the snow=sticks and stones... FU OW

[Sotto]

"I keep trying to find the magic bullet, but I might actually start succeeding as soon as I quit looking for it."

Hi 4M....spot on. You've answered your own question here.

This was me too. Once I realised there was no magic bullet, this might take a long time, we may never reconcile, I accepted things better. That helps to shift the focus away from W/OW (things you can't control) and onto you and your D. And actually 75+% of stuff on these boards is about people doing just that.

Time, patience and working on you are the big things to focus on now. What kind of man do you want to be whatever way things go? What things do you want to do? How do you want your R with your D to be etc...Time is especially useful with A's as so many don't survive in the longer term. But really, whilst the A is in full flow, you really can't compete - and back to the acceptance above....