It is good to hear from you. I appreciate how you return with updates. We get somewhat invested in one another's lives here, and I hate for people to leave to never be heard from again. Moreso, when there was no happy ending.
Your steadfastness amazes me, Crimson. I have prayed for you both and I still hope that she will appreciate this guy she has.
Sorry about the miscarriage. I had two miscarriages, and one I didn't know I was pregnant until I lost it. It still had a strange emotional affect, so I can't imagine how devastated your W was. I'm sure for you, too. Bad enough to trigger buried memories. That has to be major.
You always manage to use positive words in your posts, and I admire you for doing it. I always wish the best for you, and if having another child is best.....then I certainly hope it happens. I also hope you can stay well. If you can have a good life without the meds, great, but if you can't......then you have to take care of you. ((Crimson))
One day soon, I hope you will have time to write more. I miss hearing from you. How is that little man of yours?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
what Sandi said^^^ and mega condolences on the miscarriage. Ouch
One thing to note Crimson, about the past and our visions of it. I have said the focus ought to be "from this day forward" and I meant it.
But I have also had some regrets that I wish had been more resolved or addressed before totally recommitting. When h was at his "ripest" for feedback or maybe most motivated, I wish we had explored ENOUGH of the past
and how we both viewed it for me to feel safer in knowing he would Not repeat the behaviors. I mean, he SAID certain things I needed to hear, but now, years later, there seems to be a bit of revising going on.
Does it matter? I think it
ONLY matters if it means a repeat of behaviors (otherwise, it's just incredibly, deeply annoying).
Not sure what else to say there, so that's that. For now.
PS
How do you feel your wife views the possibility of another child, with you? Have you two discussed the SSRI and fertility issues?
Do you feel "blamed" or in any way, lessened in her eyes?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thanks for chiming in Sandi and 25 - I feel like I haven't heard from you in an age, Sandi!
Nah, I do not at all feel blamed or lessened in her eyes on the fertility deal. The biological part of it, though chiefly associated with me, was never rolled up in a nice package and placed on my doorstep. She has been kind about that from day one. Where I DO feel blamed at times is not pursuing EVERY single option that we had in front of us during the infertility process. If you remember, she wanted to pursue adoption (which is criminally expensive) and reproductive technology all at the same time. When I stressed the financial difficulty of that plan she was not happy and I was accused of "not being on the same page", and so on. I never said "no" to anything, but my strategy (and yes, we needed one) was to exhaust all we could with health benefits and some cash on IVF, IUI - and if we can't get that to work then try adoption. That was not sufficient for her -- and I was blamed for "giving up on her dream". Not fair, not accurate - but that is what it was.
With regard to agreeing on the past. We have, in some senses, come to an accord generally speaking. I think I still hurt a bit when the gross misconceptions about me, my feelings, my intentions and so on are viewed incorrectly. And by "incorrectly" I am aware that her universe is her universe and the perceptions and feelings there are real to her. But at the same time, my universe is mine - and I know where my heart and head were -- and there are moments that she was just wrong. She honestly thought that I was plotting to take our S away from her. That just blows my mind -- and that is why she quickly rushed to get a lawyer. So, it's the little things like that that get to me. The fact that back then she was under the impression that I was so angry and "out for blood". I have read her things I journaled from back then, and NOTHING even remotely says that. Still -- she clings to it. I have to let it go.
Sandi, is "steadfast" the write word or am I generally insane? There are moments when I check the rearview and realize that while I was "in the woods" for three years I had numerous opportunities to take up with other in serious relationships and I didn't...I couldn't. I am not at the end of my journey, but at times I looked through all that I endured and am somewhat amazed myself. I caused some of it - so it that regard things were just coming home to roost -- but man, those dark days were seriously, seriously dark.
I have to tell you, I feel fine without the SSRIs. If ever the need arises to get back on them I will, but I am doing great just dealing with feelings and emotions without ADs. In fact, in a certain sense I feel like I am doing better without them.
Our little guy is thriving in this new environment. His separation anxiety is gone, he is growing and eating like mad -- next month he will be 5!! FIVE!!! He was 18 months when this all began. Where has time gone? I look forward to the day where his memory of two homes will be so vague he questions if it was even real.
I still remember that first Christmas after the S, and writing that post to you on Christmas Day.......crying b/c I felt so sorry for you. That year, and those to follow, struck a cord of sadness that I haven't forgotten. The three of you have been through a lot.
At times I wanted to wring her neck. At other times I wanted to wring your neck! (ha). Mostly I wanted you to have the happiness you deserve.
It has been a long, hard road, and you have worked for every step forward. I am so anxious when you can tell us everything is good........even better than good.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Man, the Holidays were tough Sandi. I remember very vividly my little guy having massive separation anxiety and sobbing uncontrollably when I dropped him of. She would literally have to peel him off of me. It tore the heart out of me. Those are the types of things/memories that I am working on in IC -- and, in time, the sting of those events has started to fade. Though I hope never 100% because I don't ever want to forget completely what that life was like -- it's good to remember some of it so I remember to keep working on me.
I also vividly recall you wanting to wring my neck. A lot of the time because I was probably being too accommodating or something to her. The irony? Despite what I was trying to do in terms of accommodation and kindness she STILL saw and interpreted most everything I did as hateful or based in anger/hostility. I tell you, that blows my mind!
I am way overdue for an update - but we are doing well. Just back from New Orleans for a wedding -- (not ours....sloooow down!)
Therapy continues as do the discoveries from it. In one sentence: childhood stuff really, really showed up in our marriage and we are working on it as a team and trying to be better about communication.
More later....sorry I have been so silent....life has been in the way a bit!
Crimson - Lost18 pointed me in your direction. I've been reading through your early posts, and they are really resonating with me. I'm trying to visualize what the future looks like for me, and I am learning a lot through you. Thank you and good luck with your journey!
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
I am just grateful that anyone can draw even an ounce of inspiration and/or hope from my situation! I am glad that I can provide even a modicum of help to folks here. "Journey" is the right word -- it never really ends.
Stay patient, friend. Funny - XWGF (ex-wife girlfriend) and I were driving to dinner this weekend down a road that normally is very clear with no heavy traffic. There was an event going on and the road was SLAMMED - we could barely move. She says to me "you have more patience than I do, I would have turned the car around and headed the other way". I so badly wanted to say "You have NO idea the patience that I developed!" Waiting in traffic? No problem!
There are moments when I check the rearview and realize that while I was "in the woods" for three years I had numerous opportunities to take up with other in serious relationships and I didn't...I couldn't. I am not at the end of my journey, but at times I looked through all that I endured and am somewhat amazed myself. I caused some of it - so it that regard things were just coming home to roost -- but man, those dark days were seriously, seriously dark.