I don't know if I'd say that, it's not like I don't want to. But I certainly couldn't resist any of the advances. I don't think she was so sure of her own idea.
Me 41 Wife 38 T20 M13 S8 D3 Bomb 1/26/15 A confirmed 2/19/15
Yesterday was a pretty good day. She has been nice to me. No R talk at all yesterday. I will avoid it all week. This week, I'm all about my 180s and GAL. I'm going to make it a great week! After Sat. night she has plenty to think about.
Me 41 Wife 38 T20 M13 S8 D3 Bomb 1/26/15 A confirmed 2/19/15
Yes, I think so. That may be my ego, but I also think that sex is a powerful force in a R. Especially when you've been together for 20 yrs. Maybe I'm wrong, but my understanding is that few women can detach sex and R/feelings.
Me 41 Wife 38 T20 M13 S8 D3 Bomb 1/26/15 A confirmed 2/19/15
1. Make Commitment to Saving M every day/hour/min. 2. Work on Self - 180s - NO ANGER! 3. Do not react to Negativity, keep PMA, create own happiness! 4. Forgive & Accept 5. Be Attractive 6. Create Positive Outcomes 7. Love Unconditionally
Me 41 Wife 38 T20 M13 S8 D3 Bomb 1/26/15 A confirmed 2/19/15
We had a nice conversation going last night talking about work etc. Out of the blue she takes a confrontational stance and says, "you sound fake" I say "I'm not being fake, I am interested in you and your day. I'm sorry that you see it that way, I care about you, and I understand that you are angry with me. I know that we haven't talked like this for a long time, but that was not my choice it was your choice, not to talk to me for the last year or so." She showed anger on her face and got quiet then was taking deep breaths. "I tried to talk to you" she said trying to be calm, I told her that obviously I didn't listen or she didn't communicate it in a way that I understood, I told her that I felt that I was always having to be a mind reader in our relationship, that I'm sure she felt that she communicated things to me before but things always seemed cryptic or coded, those messages for whatever reason just were not absorbed by me(now I understand because I've been gripped by fear when talking to her, because all I ever expected to hear was "I'm leaving you").
I'm not sure what to make of it, but I'm guessing that my 180 on showing interest and starting conversation is causing her some difficulty, since she decided to "check out". I told her I was tired and unless she wanted to talk more I was going to bed. I did, finished DB and my anger mgt. books last night. I need to go the book store and pick up another book today, hopefully DR shows up today.
I am trying to take bricks out of the wall she has built and I think she doesn't like it. This morning she started talking about the day ahead as we got ready for work and she asked me a question and I asked her if she was "going to be nice to me?" Sort of sarcastically, but serious and slightly smiling. She said she was sorry and that she would. I told her that I understand she is angry and she has every right to be but that I cannot fix her resentments, she has to do that and until she is willing to she will remain angry with me and I understand that. She was quiet, I answered her question, told her to have a good day and left for work. I'm dreading this weekend of her going to spend it at her friends house. I have thigns planned for me and the kids so hopefully, it will be a good and busy weekend.
Me 41 Wife 38 T20 M13 S8 D3 Bomb 1/26/15 A confirmed 2/19/15
She showed anger on her face and got quiet then was taking deep breaths. "I tried to talk to you" she said trying to be calm, I told her that obviously I didn't listen or she didn't communicate it in a way that I understood, I told her that I felt that I was always having to be a mind reader in our relationship, that I'm sure she felt that she communicated things to me before but things always seemed cryptic or coded, those messages for whatever reason just were not absorbed by me(now I understand because I've been gripped by fear when talking to her, because all I ever expected to hear was "I'm leaving you
It is extremely frustrating for both the H and W. What you've just said describes most men who have come here. I was like your W, and tried for years to tell my H what I needed in our R, and it was like talking to a blank wall. When I shut down and quit, then I withdrew and lost the desire to talk with him. In defense of your W, I am sure she did the best she knew how to communicate with you. If you tuned her out or whatever, then it was very discouraging for her.
What sounds a little funny when you guys explain that we women did not communicate in a way you could understand...........really makes you sound a bit thick headed (ha). Especially when we thought we were breaking it down as simple as we knew how. And to get even funnier? When we turn into a WAW, guess what you want to do to get us back? TALK. TALK, TALK.
When the LBH has his "awakening" he is disparate to talk to her. But she is done talking. Their timing is completely off. It is sad, really. Seems like most results (good or bad) depends upon the timing.
Anyway, just as her talk did not work, neither will yours. Now it is your turn to learn to communicate in a way she will get it. You need to communicate to her through your behavior/actions. See what I mean?
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I'm not sure what to make of it, but I'm guessing that my 180 on showing interest and starting conversation is causing her some difficulty, since she decided to "check out".
My suggestion is to let her initiate the conversations. You can look at her as she talks, and respond to things she says. It's a good time to validate.
It's just that your 180 to talk and show interest by "you" perusing the conversation seems too ironic to her. I am sure it does anger her that you waited till she was checked out before you decided to get interested in her life.
She thinks you sound fake b/c this is new territory, apparently, and you are probably trying too hard. Common mistake, and why I warn not to over-kill.
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I am trying to take bricks out of the wall she has built and I think she doesn't like it.
Well, part of that wall is up to protect herself from your ability to hurt her. I believe in most cases both persons help to build that wall. The bricks are made out of resentment, emotional distance, lack of intimacy, etc. It took a long time to build, and they don 't come down without work........but they can come down.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I'm sure she tried to talk to me( I may even remember a few times) and I also own and placed several bricks in that wall, lol . I think you're awesome BTW, your insight is dead on from where I sit! I understand, the last few weeks I have been desperate to talk. I know she saw that.Even saying to me at one point a week or so ago, "I know you want to talk about everything." She tried to shut me down on that occasion because I went into the R stuff. God, I was a complete wreck and still am but am making progress!
I really was being honest and being empathetic yesterday, I know it shocked her(I'm shocked she is even talking to me) and thus her reaction. She even mocked me. I will try not to overkill, and not engage, but still be engaging if she chooses to. What's odd is I'd start with something generally mundane, "How was your day?" or something similar but she's gone off on several tangents R talk, or work, or this woman at work who drives her crazy, weekend plans, etc. Each time, I'm doing my best to be attentive and yes, maybe I am trying to hard some times, but it is genuine underneath that. This is uncharted for me too because she hasn't really talked to me in a long time.
I've been trying to do it in a way that is friendly and non threatening and no R talk unless she does. I think it's working, she text'd me today, which she never does, asking me how my day is going, beating me to the punch!! I started this limited last week, just saying hi, etc. Today was the first day she did it first! Small, small, baby step... I know... be cool!
Me 41 Wife 38 T20 M13 S8 D3 Bomb 1/26/15 A confirmed 2/19/15
