Complex #5 - progress and throwbacks

[Complex]

Thanks guys. I'll try hard. Woke up with the urge to vomit. I didn't yet.
I feel very lightheaded. Probably should go see a doctor.

I just don't understand how she, or ANY person could do this to me. I haven't done anything very bad or so. I don't deserve this, not even close. All I'm asking for is she treating me with respect. That's all. But instead she keeps spitting on me. Over and over again.

There were actually two discussions. The one bf she left for her dads (he wasn't home) and after she came back, that's where it got a little out of line. Not as bad as it used to, but to her probably worse than ever.
Not saying I want a divorce battle, just saying if she continues to communicate with me like this, it's not going to be a friendly one. I will be the best I can, while she in her state of mind will just be mad and/or as cold as ice.
Sure she now will really tell her family. It'll be a huge blow up. Many ppl have no idea yet and they see us as great people, a great couple, they will be devastated. For many of then it'll be out of the blue.

Well. All I can do is become a man only a fool would leave. Right now that seems like a tough challenge, lot of discipline. Hopefully the meds will work at some point. And if wife wants to be a fool in the end. So be it.
I told her I was willing to work through our issues. No matter of the outcome, but together, and in peace, so we know we have done our duty. That I don't want to go the path of frustration, grief and anger. Life is too valuable and we should treat each other with the respect we deserve. But she is choosing to hate me, to spit on our marriage, validating every little thing to leave as fast as possible.
That is her choice. It's not how I want this to end. But I can't control it. Only myself. I'm no longer playing this game, I don't want to but she's sucking me in every single time. Like she wants me to show her that I'm not good for her....and she almost always gets me there. It's ugly how she does that...and then she tells me on top that I'm the only one who can control myself...after she poked and poked and poked and spit on me. I don't know if she knows what she's doing. But I am no longer respecting how dirty she is fighting with me. She needs to stop, get help for better communication. The way she discusses things with me right now, I cannot cooperate. That'll be my main term for the D.
Her mind must be a mess too tho. She's extremely unhappy and stressed right now, and I am the single reason for it in her eyes. How did it even get that far?
What's going on in a persons mind like hers?
Detaching from her should be fairly easy in the state that she is right now. Bc her behaviour is absolutely unacceptable. I don't want to associate with this crap at all. I deserve a better woman, a better marriage, a better life. And she would 100% aggree with that.

[Ontheup]

venom from WAS is very common.

[Sotto]

Hi Complex

I'm sorry things are feeling tough right now. I still think it would be best if you can shift your focus from what your W is doing to yourself. She will do what she will do right now. And probably none of it is going to be in favour of your M right now. It may help you to just accept that (awful) reality right now. You don't like it, but it is what it is.

Fighting against it all doesn't help your sitch and it doesn't help you. You've woken up feeling rough this morning. But that doesn't mean this has to be a bad day okay? What you do or don't do can transform your day - no matter what your W is up to - you can choose not to be so affected by it, really you can.

BTW, your W's family knowing may be no bad thing. It is one of the consequences of having an A. This may be the point where you are glad you weren't the one to tell them, but they eventually got to know as usually happens.

Now, I would love to see your next post being about the things you did today to self-soothe and get yourself back onto a steadier track, despite challenges in your sitch and having had a bad night. Because if you can do that for yourself today. You know that you can do that other days, and it's a really important skill to have - to become more resourceful and resilient no matter what your W is doing.....which is exactly what we would expect a WAS to do BTW....

Hope you have a good day my friend x

[twinmom]

Take a deep breath...
You need to take your focus off of her. Just like you didn't "force" her to have an affair she doesn't "force" you to loose your temper and accuse her of things.

If she wants to poke then walk away. DB'ing is about you. What are YOU doing to become a better person? What can you do today to take a step towards one of your goals?

[Mozza]

I don't know what to say anymore.

The behavior that you show at the moment can be revealing of how you got here. A lot of people are encouraging you to calm down, more than for any other LBH on these boards. Acknowledge that this is your problem. You talk of door slamming before DB; that can be a big deal. I've done it once in the last year and my W was traumatized.

Read people like Vanilla who show a great deal of calm in the face of outrageous behavior and after having been a "screaming banshee" by her own admission. Follow her sitch daily, see how she reacts.

When you have a moment of calm, write down a plan. What do you need to do for your sitch and your life to improve. Some suggestions.

1. Avoid fights with W by leaving the room.
2. Avoid all R talks with W.
3. Make daily GAL plans.
4. Etc.

Then, follow the plan. We all have our pet peeves (MrBond can't stand posters who haven't read DB/DR) and mine is people who promise to DB, do the opposite, and then come here to confess and justify. It's useless. Come here to plan, go to execute, come back to report.

One last thing: focus on the outcome. Do not expect your W to communicate a certain way, mind only the outcome. You want X? If she gives you X while spitting on you, say "Thank you". You're setting up yourself for failure and frustration by hoping to control how she communicates with you.

[twinmom]

My H was (is) a train wreck..... those who have been around more than a year will most likely say his cheating/walking out on me had NOTHING to do with our marriage and my part in its "breakdown" BUT I still had work to do. I was not a bad wife but I could always be a better person.

My point is no matter how "right" you are and how "wrong" your spouse is the focus is to make you an even more incredible person and there is ALWAYS room to do that.

[Complex]

Yes I need to get back in track where I was before 5 days ago. I was on a good track. Not trying to justify too much but these meds I tell you, they threw me back a mile, I feel like a big mess right now. It was a very big nail in the coffin what happened yesterday.
Before I really saw improvement in myself and W's behaviour. But a little thing then caused a huge wave again.

You are right Mozza its not right to DB, then fail and do the same mistakes again, come here and confess. My anxiety attacks triggered that I let myself go with my negative emotions and now I have to live with the outcome and hopefully get over this phase and do it better in the future.
I can't change what happened. I just need to find a way now to get over this phase now. I feel so anxious I can't even go outside, I feel like a different person, can't focus. So I need a solution how to cope this and stay out of trouble. Got another IC session in two days. Maybe she can prescribe me sth that's gonna help my anxiety attacks. In the meantime I better get out of W's way. If she wants to talk I have to tell her "Sorry I don't feel like talking right now, let's talk about it in a few days when my head is a little clearer", or sth like that.

The way we are communicating has become a boundary for me tho. I cannot accept the way she is communicating with me anymore. I know I can't control it. So if she does talk to me a certain way I just have to leave the conversation. Which won't get us anywhere, but that's not my problem then. Just not going to let this manipulate and influence me anymore.
I guess there's no sense in apologizing to W for yesterday. She actually knows I'm on the meds now and she knows they are wearing on me. But in the end that's just another weakness in her eyes and won't excuse anything. I just gotta move on and get over the next few days and hope the side effects will go away.

I'll try to go to the gym tonight. Other than that there's no way I can GAL a lot today, I feel super weak. Tomorrow I have an attorney appointment and school. Thursday IC. Sunday is the family event which under the new circumstances I might cancel, depends on how I feel.

And yes twinmom, there's plenty of space for self improvement and there always will be!

[Complex]

It's also I teresting how I now "catch" myself violating my own rules. And also when I act like a child emotionally. Being frustrated, wanting to cry for attention, wanting to fix things, control things that I can't.

My W knows all of this too. She is trained to observe these things as a nurse plus she's a woman..so it's hard to hide those feelings. I have to live and become my values.
I can do this! I just need to blend these side effects out and deal with it.
I know everything has to run its course now.
Today is the first day of the rest of my life!

[Complex]

Thanks to everyone who checked in on me this morning.
I feel much better on the meds today. Pretty foggy but the crazy anxiety is much better. Hope it stays like that.

I'll still do the family friends event on Sunday. I committed to help get the wine and make a little presentation about the german wines (it's my profession btw). 50ppl coming including closest family of W and W herself. Might be awkward if W tells dad before. I feel like I can do this and just be easy, do my job and enjoy the company, no matter what.

Gym time. Gonna get buffed

[Complex]

I did some reflecting on the last couple of weeks. Although I have been DBing well and then having my throwbacks..I made a mistake. I didn't trust W. I know everyone here is saying not to. But I think this made everything worse.
I know W lied to me a couple of times. and she was hiding things. But initially she was honest. And whenever we had a confrontation she was honest answering questions. Of course missing details.

But by assuming things and mistrusting her pushed her further away and made her mad. And now I know she didn't lie since she showed me proof and everything. And of course I feel pretty bad about it now.

Did anyone ever cope with a similar situation? I feel like I made everything much worse DBing