Devotion to a dream...

[phunguy]

We had a nice conversation going last night talking about work etc. Out of the blue she takes a confrontational stance and says, "you sound fake" I say "I'm not being fake, I am interested in you and your day. I'm sorry that you see it that way, I care about you, and I understand that you are angry with me. I know that we haven't talked like this for a long time, but that was not my choice it was your choice, not to talk to me for the last year or so." She showed anger on her face and got quiet then was taking deep breaths. "I tried to talk to you" she said trying to be calm, I told her that obviously I didn't listen or she didn't communicate it in a way that I understood, I told her that I felt that I was always having to be a mind reader in our relationship, that I'm sure she felt that she communicated things to me before but things always seemed cryptic or coded, those messages for whatever reason just were not absorbed by me(now I understand because I've been gripped by fear when talking to her, because all I ever expected to hear was "I'm leaving you").

I'm not sure what to make of it, but I'm guessing that my 180 on showing interest and starting conversation is causing her some difficulty, since she decided to "check out". I told her I was tired and unless she wanted to talk more I was going to bed. I did, finished DB and my anger mgt. books last night. I need to go the book store and pick up another book today, hopefully DR shows up today.

I am trying to take bricks out of the wall she has built and I think she doesn't like it. This morning she started talking about the day ahead as we got ready for work and she asked me a question and I asked her if she was "going to be nice to me?" Sort of sarcastically, but serious and slightly smiling. She said she was sorry and that she would. I told her that I understand she is angry and she has every right to be but that I cannot fix her resentments, she has to do that and until she is willing to she will remain angry with me and I understand that. She was quiet, I answered her question, told her to have a good day and left for work. I'm dreading this weekend of her going to spend it at her friends house. I have thigns planned for me and the kids so hopefully, it will be a good and busy weekend.