train, how are you?

[Train]

Train have you ever thought about couponing or mystery shopping to earn some extra income from home? Give yourself a little nest egg or even just contribute to the budget a little and have H cut a few hours off his day to spend time with you?

Thank you, twin. I actually have a couple hobbies that bring in pretty good "extra" money. Unfortunately, they also take up a lot of time. And they sort of pay for themselves, if that makes sense.

I got a freelance offer from this area's largest newspaper a few weeks ago. But after seriously considering it, and talking to H about it, we decided together - for a number of reasons - that it isn't what I want right now. I have another freelance gig in the hopper; it's a big one, but it's temporary: 12-14 months. And it wouldn't start in earnest for a while. I'm actually looking really forward to it; it's the absolute opposite of what I'm known for around here. But it will be a challenge - a state level instead of just local - and it will really beef-up my resume to include marketing and PR, should I decide to enter the workforce again.

Right now, I'm so busy with S8's school schedule that when I'm working from home, I fall down on the job with him. And I can't "afford" to do that.

As for H's second-shift job, he has a lot of flexibility with the hours he puts in. But because there are certain tasks that have to be done, it's not like he can really decide to shorten his hours or not go in. Plus, our budget depends on a set number of hours. He is paid very handsomely per hour: four times what I was being paid when I left my job. So it makes absolutely NO sense for us to decide that I would work in the afternoons so he could stay home. He makes in one hour what it would take me four to make. And if I go to work at night? That obviously wouldn't help us with the time issue. We'd still just see one another in passing.

We're sort of stuck right where we are for now.

I'd love to do something to build up an "emergency fund," but honestly, until I would be out, earning my own income (and enough to provide for my family), I likely wouldn't feel completely confident or comfortable because I know H can leave at any time; he's proven that. But right now, my priority is educating my son. I'm sort of caught between a rock and a hard place.

What blows is that just thinking about a contingency plan causes me to spin; that, in and of itself, is a trigger. It reminds me of how quickly things changed and how rotten H became ... how he tried to force a legal hand to kick us out of the house after BD1 - while I was pregnant - and how he pulled the financial carpet out from under us - with no warning - after BD2. So while I probably SHOULD think about it and come up with an "in-case" plan, it just sends me to a place I don't at all like to be. It's a place I can't really talk about with H without losing my sh!t. Again.

Again, this is all so f'ed up.