Thanks for chiming in Sandi and 25 - I feel like I haven't heard from you in an age, Sandi!
Nah, I do not at all feel blamed or lessened in her eyes on the fertility deal. The biological part of it, though chiefly associated with me, was never rolled up in a nice package and placed on my doorstep. She has been kind about that from day one. Where I DO feel blamed at times is not pursuing EVERY single option that we had in front of us during the infertility process. If you remember, she wanted to pursue adoption (which is criminally expensive) and reproductive technology all at the same time. When I stressed the financial difficulty of that plan she was not happy and I was accused of "not being on the same page", and so on. I never said "no" to anything, but my strategy (and yes, we needed one) was to exhaust all we could with health benefits and some cash on IVF, IUI - and if we can't get that to work then try adoption. That was not sufficient for her -- and I was blamed for "giving up on her dream". Not fair, not accurate - but that is what it was.
With regard to agreeing on the past. We have, in some senses, come to an accord generally speaking. I think I still hurt a bit when the gross misconceptions about me, my feelings, my intentions and so on are viewed incorrectly. And by "incorrectly" I am aware that her universe is her universe and the perceptions and feelings there are real to her. But at the same time, my universe is mine - and I know where my heart and head were -- and there are moments that she was just wrong. She honestly thought that I was plotting to take our S away from her. That just blows my mind -- and that is why she quickly rushed to get a lawyer. So, it's the little things like that that get to me. The fact that back then she was under the impression that I was so angry and "out for blood". I have read her things I journaled from back then, and NOTHING even remotely says that. Still -- she clings to it. I have to let it go.
Sandi, is "steadfast" the write word or am I generally insane? There are moments when I check the rearview and realize that while I was "in the woods" for three years I had numerous opportunities to take up with other in serious relationships and I didn't...I couldn't. I am not at the end of my journey, but at times I looked through all that I endured and am somewhat amazed myself. I caused some of it - so it that regard things were just coming home to roost -- but man, those dark days were seriously, seriously dark.
I have to tell you, I feel fine without the SSRIs. If ever the need arises to get back on them I will, but I am doing great just dealing with feelings and emotions without ADs. In fact, in a certain sense I feel like I am doing better without them.
Our little guy is thriving in this new environment. His separation anxiety is gone, he is growing and eating like mad -- next month he will be 5!! FIVE!!! He was 18 months when this all began. Where has time gone? I look forward to the day where his memory of two homes will be so vague he questions if it was even real.
There are moments when I check the rearview and realize that while I was "in the woods" for three years I had numerous opportunities to take up with other in serious relationships and I didn't...I couldn't. I am not at the end of my journey, but at times I looked through all that I endured and am somewhat amazed myself. I caused some of it - so it that regard things were just coming home to roost -- but man, those dark days were seriously, seriously dark.