I think it would help to document the days and times W gets up, comes home, stays awake during her phone-fests with OW, and gets in bed. Nothing like hard data to show W how the supposedly 'lack of time' with kids isn't your fault but how she uses HER own time.
Perhaps make a spreadsheet reflecting this.
I laughed when I read this -- my W is a HUGE fan of spreadsheets!
We got the kids to bed and actually had a rather civil conversation which I initiated to assure her that I was not doing anything to try to prevent her from spending time with the kids. I did mention her work hours and that fact that she's been sleeping in late and that I've just been trying to take care of things to keep the kids on a routine that helps them do better at school.
She did agree to my request that we monitor behavior and work habits at school to ensure that her request works without disrupting their routine too much.
We ended the conversation on a very civil note... But it is clear that she is still focused on separation -- thinking about how things will be when we are in separate houses and dealing with the kids on our own, even thinking as far ahead as when they are older and might express preferences with regard to who they live with, etc. -- so the civil tone doesn't mean anything positive with regard to our relationship... except that we can be civil to each other at times.
So I've successfully calmed Monster down for the evening... Will be interesting to see if she gets up early tomorrow to help with breakfast and getting them ready to head to school...
The most positive thing that I think came out of our discussion this evening is that we did speak very civilly to each other and both expressed our shared desire to have much better communication with each going forward. I know that can change in a second depending on her moods, so I'm just trying to appreciate the fact that at least tonight I was able to tell her what I was thinking and feeling about the situation (with her request to spend more time with the kids) without it turning into a difficult conversation with lots of animosity.
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
And just a thought as I reflect on some of the things she has said to me lately...
For a while now I've been thinking she was in Replay, and I still think that she is, but now I'm wondering if she's also still in Anger... Like this is still an overlap period between Anger and Replay...
I guess it doesn't really matter what stage she is in... She doesn't believe she loves me anymore (if she ever did), wants out, and is "in love" with a 25 year old OW in another country. What stage she is in doesn't change any of those facts!
Back to focusing on myself now...
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
Very helpful stuff... Can see both my W and myself in some of this -- her with MLC and me following BD... At least I've gone to my doctor to get help with mine.
So W did NOT wake up early this morning to help with the kids... Confirming my thoughts on the selfishness -- wants time with the kids but does not want to change her own schedule in order to do that... And it appears that she's working from home again today (oh joy!)... Once upon a time I loved when she worked from home so we could be around each other more during the day. Now I'm just irritated because after yesterday I was looking forward to having some time to myself today... Good thing I've got my IC this afternoon.
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
I've been following along and am sorry you find yourself here. I wouldn't worry too much about what stage W is in. She will get through this on her own. Focus on you and the kids and keep being a great mom:)
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Had a pretty good IC session today... Was able to reflect on some of my interactions with W over the past week and see that I am making some progress in my communication skills -- which I consider to be 180s for me (being able to address difficult topics without becoming overly emotional or shutting down)... Helps me feel a little stronger now...
Also reflecting on how I am improving with my parenting in terms of not letting the stress of the situation come through in my interactions with the kids -- and that was happening before BD, so a big improvement there.
Beyond those things, just really happy with where I am spiritually... continuing to grow in my faith in a way that I haven't in my entire adult life... And I can definitely see this as a lifesaver for me throughout this entire mess.
As for detaching -- it comes and goes at this point... some moments I'm fine and other moments I'm not... Which is evident from my recent posts... But continuing to work at it...
Not doing a great job at GALing this week, but it seems like my need for this week is to do more inner work right now... I think... Inner work plus trying to keep a PMA despite what is happening with W.
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
I laughed when I read this -- my W is a HUGE fan of spreadsheets!
She won't be if you do that. Not saying don't...just you know...if you punch someone in the face you should expect a fight. You present her a spreadsheet of her sucking as a parent...you know...fight.
Jer if you had detachment 100% down, I'd be worried that your lying or had a little OW on the side. : )
As for the kids. Keep up the good work, remember that you are their support not the other way around. You do not lean on them you do not involve them they are not adults. They are't spies or allies. One parent is screwing them up enough right?
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
She won't be if you do that. Not saying don't...just you know...if you punch someone in the face you should expect a fight. You present her a spreadsheet of her sucking as a parent...you know...fight.
Jer if you had detachment 100% down, I'd be worried that your lying or had a little OW on the side. : )
As for the kids. Keep up the good work, remember that you are their support not the other way around. You do not lean on them you do not involve them they are not adults. They are't spies or allies. One parent is screwing them up enough right?
Yeah -- not going to do the spreadsheet thing... We ended the evening on a civil conversation last night and during the civil convo I did mention her work hours and the sleeping in late -- she's in MLC, no need to bring it up again because just bringing it up in last night's convo was risky enough... I don't think she'll be able to admit her own fault regarding time with the kids until she's out of MLC... If she ever makes it out of the tunnel.
As for detaching... yep, no need to lie and no OW on the side. I do have a friend who is showing interest, but I know that would NOT be a good thing to pursue right now... So I am being very careful with this friend. Being open with her about my sitch but also trying hard to not lead her on -- she's available, but I'm not and won't be for a long time for a variety of reasons. And unlike my W, I am not going to self-medicate with an OW to avoid dealing with my issues...
As for the kids -- no need to worry... I am trying very hard to just provide a stable, loving environment for them. You are so correct -- the other parent is creating a bad situation for them -- so I am trying to counteract what she is doing. We haven't even told them yet -- no need to until I move out. So definitely not leaning on them or trying to involve them, and I am definitely not planning to involve them as spies or in any other way once I do move out and we are sharing custody. The good news is that the environment I have been able to provide -- including my efforts to reduce my own stress and reduce the stress around them -- does seem to have worked in terms of their behavior... There is a marked improvement from just a few months ago all the way around with the kids.
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
W continues to interact with me in a rather friendly way. And -- as far as I can tell -- there isn't as much interaction with OW... at least it seems that the middle of the night phone calls and skyping have tapered off. No clue what that means -- the texting still seems to be going on (she is up in the middle of the night and is still sleeping in very late in the mornings), and they both gave each other lovey-dovey cards/letters for V Day, so it seems too soon for one or both to be losing interest. (Although, technically, it has been almost four months since they both expressed their feelings of love for one another and over five months since they first started emailing/texting each other.) But regardless of how W is acting towards me, she is still focused on separation, so none of this behavior this week is getting my hopes up. But the civility and friendliness is such a nice break from Monster. We even had a few moments yesterday where we were laughing together about some things related to the kids -- I can't remember the last time that happened.
Lent has started and I am doing a daily Lenten Novena. I am finding it very helpful with regard to my sense of peace around everything and I find myself really looking forward to my daily prayer times in a way that I never imagined I would.
Still feeling VERY pleased with my progress on parenting -- the kids seem to be responding very well to my ability to reduce my own stress and my ability to keep the relationship stress as far away from them as possible. My birthday is coming up and they all made me lots of really sweet birthday cards last night. We have such loving children.
Still no progress on the job sitch, but I know that God is working on that as well and everything will happen when it is supposed to happen as long as I continue networking, getting my name out there, and applying to positions that come up that fit my skills and experience. In the meantime, I am using this extra free time to continue my own inner work... Of which there is so much that I haven't shared here but will in time.
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
Happy Birthday to me... Here's to hoping that 44 isn't as awful as 43 was...
W got me a card and a gift from the kids along with a card from the kids... Didn't open anything yet... Will wait to do that this evening when the kids get home from school before we go out to eat as a family.
Is it a bad thing that I really don't want to read the card the she got me? In my mind I'm thinking "Really? You got me a card? To say what? You're sorry? Hope I have a great birthday and a good year? You hope it's a good one even though you ruined it and the holidays for me? Gee... thanks." Whatever...
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
Okay -- getting over my moment of anger about the card... it truly is "whatever"
Have noticed the last few days that W is looking much older now in the face... It seems like she's sleeping a lot more, but maybe she isn't -- she is sleeping in later, but I'm not staying up all night trying to monitor whether or not she is up all night... so maybe she is and I just don't know it. I'm too busy trying to make sure that I sleep very well every night so that I have the energy I need to tackle the next day.
Anyway -- I do notice the change in her appearance... I'll never know for certain, but wondering if it's stress, depression, lack of sleep, all of the above... Makes me sad though because she doesn't see me as someone she can reach out to or trust to be there for her through this. In the past, we both took the "in sickness" part very seriously and would do what we could for each other regardless of whether it was just a cold or something more severe (or stressful like our pregnancies). I just have to let her deal -- or not deal in this case -- with this on her own, and all I can do is keep a lot of prayer around her for healing.
Anyway -- it is my birthday and I just spent most of the morning at the DMV getting my new license... It's a really muggy, gray day (rain on the way), so not sure what I'm going to do today -- but I know that the weather can and will bring me down, so I need to figure this out and do something good for myself before the kids get home from school... :-)
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
