Complex #5 - progress and throwbacks

[Complex]

Sorry lots to read - thanks to everyone who will take time to read and respond:

It's like she was just subconsciously waiting for me to make another mistake, as validation, so she can put the next/last nail in our coffin and have a reason to freak out. She even told me she can't tolerate me abusing her anymore..it's just crazy. While I'm just sitting there trying to calm her down and being as calm as I can be. But whatever I do, she's on it. Until she puts her hand in her face like she's completely frustrated. She looks at me like she 'hates' me. Like she wants to get away from me so badly. It's such a weird feeling. Her view of me is so set, so bad, so determined. Nothing changed.
And if I want to calm her down trying to have a normal conversation she's accusing me of being unreasonable and angry. Then she starts completely ignoring me. I calmly try to explain to her that what we are doing isn't right and that by ignoring she is causing the opposite effect of what she wants to achieve. And then she achieves what she probably wants, I get mad. I used to slam doors in the past but now I have myself under better control, but she just keeps poking and poking. She's an ugly fighter and I got out of line with my words a bit. I still can't let it go completely when she's like that but I think I made some progress dealing with it. But in the heat I just told her she is the one abusing me and "just D me then if that's what you desire"...and you know what guys at this point I just can't imagine her changing for me or anyone to make a marriage work. She doesn't have that in her. She's helping ppl through her job day in and day out, and there's no energy left for unconditional love and hard work to make a marriage work. She's a giver in her job with a big heart. But she doesn't have much to give in a R. At least not in ours. She never did. And as long as that won't change...it's better we go separate ways. But it's not my decision bc I have/had the desire to change, to try and make this work. To try everything before I give up on a M. Bc that is very important to me. I want to know I did everything, because I take marriage more serious than I ever did anything else and if it's not supposed to be I at least want to be in peace with myself.
In the end I just told her if we want to have this amicable, we have to get professional help to work on our communication bc I cannot accept the way we are talking to each other anymore. Maybe I should enforce that boundary and make her seek professional help in communicating with me. Because I am not going to cooperate in the D if communication isn't fixed. As long as this anger and grief is between us, I don't see myself cooperating at all. I'm really afraid this is going to turn into a battle, but I'm not going that way. She can do whatever while I gotta protect myself but I'm not letting myself push into a D battle. We will probably be bankrupt by the end of the year. Funny she was the one who absolutely didn't want a marriage contract. In Germany that's a more common thing so I asked her before the wedding. She almost got mad at me for just mentioning it.

I don't want to blame the meds but since I take them I'm back to square one with my feelings, it's like day 1 after EA BD in January. Not good!!! Part of this 'escalation' IS the meds fault. Maybe I should lock myself in with NC until it's better.

This is a very very hard time in my sitch and I appreciate your help and advice more than ever...although I gained so much knowledge here by now, I probably know already what the right thing to do is but my fog is thick right now. At least I feel better now and the anxiety from the meds is gone at night.
All in all I'm just plainly mad at W right now how things went down. Disrespectful immature BS. I'm not like that! I need to get away from this crap.