I felt the same when my ex used to text me too. Now I can see that he would just test to see if I was still there....as an option. I'm not willing to be an option.
Me 52 H 44 T9 M 5 BD 12/11 H split 8/12 OW moved in 12/12 OW gone for good 6/14 We get closer again 9/14 SD 13 Me 4 Grown
Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
Exactly, karma! I've always said- I fought for my husband, I'm not going to fight over him. No way! I was his wife, and there shouldn't be a choice.
Today, at d13 game, he was sitting a few rows in front of me. I was reading stuff on my phone during halftime, and he sent me a text, "hi mighty"
I didn't respond, but I could see him check his phone a couple of times to see if I did. Nope. I told him before, as long as he is with her- I am no part of his life.
That's my boundary- and that's that.
Not trying to look like a b, but I'm not his buddy while he is acting the way he is.
On a brighter note, got some things done today and feeling better than I have in a bit. I am seeing myself being happy and taking care of business.
You sound good, Mighty. Im glad. Just be sure that boundary is for you, right? To protect you and not to punish him.
Not that I care about him, cuz I dont. I care about you. And you should be the person you want to be regardless of anyone's actions.
My xh still tried to push my buttons from time to time. I gave up long ago trying to figure out why. Frankly, I dont care why. Doesnt affect me and my life.
But I made a promise to myself that I would act with dignity and strength. And so, I do. Always.
You be you, M. Thats whats important. Him...not so much.
I'm trying, Karma. Didn't think I'd be so hard this time around.
bea- I think they do, too. Must be nice to have invested options, huh? Or so they think...
uR- It is absolutely for me. I preferred not to speak to him all the prior months. It makes me so disgusted to think about him in that r and what he has done. It was better from me to not engage with him. And now, I feel the same way.
I really wish he hadn't come back at all. It's worse. He thinks we are friends now. And we aren't. I was there for him when he needed me, and I don't regret that. But, I feel so used and betrayed.
I just don't know what to do with myself and I feel so terrible. Even as I take small steps forward, I feel like he can knock me back into this horrible place. I can't stand that he can do that. I can't stand that I care about his choices.
I think that I have lived a life of denial. We each had our roles, and we were good at them; they worked for us.
But, because they were so enmeshed, I am finding myself struggling to find balance- oxygen. How unhealthy is that?
I cant find my place yet. I don't know what to hold onto. In myself, I don't know what to trust or where to find my own stability. That is so terrible! I have never in my life felt so weak and out of control. Even after bomb and nuke. I am not sure why it is so different now. But, I feel like I just am tired of it or something.
I don't even recognize myself anymore. It is making me crazy.
Tonight there was another game for d13. My mom went, along with my son and his friend. Forrest showed up and came and sat with us. I wanted to punch him in the face. I didn't speak to him. I don't want to. I don't want him anywhere near me. What makes him think that I want to be near him.
I know.... 2x4... but he is in a r with someone who encouraged him to destroy our family and has no remorse about it. I know- get over it. Well.... maybe I can, but I cannot look at him and be part of his life while he engages in that. I just can't.
I did a little reading today, and I believe that xh is a true narcissist. I have always noticed the tendencies, but to really look into it, it makes me sick to my stomach. I am not sure to what extent, but it seems pretty evident. HWW is also an extreme narcissist.
It could be either the best thing ever for them, or a bigger disaster. But, they could be feeding each other what they need.
But, the bigger picture in this is to see how I fit into this. Or, rather, how to get the f out of it. Being in a r like that really takes a toll on you, and when you are left, you feel like the life has been sucked out of you.
Reading this, let me be clear, is so I can get a better grasp of my role in this. WTF did I do? How do I make this stop?
Well, for one, I do think that I have to cut him off. I cannot and will not be a supplier of his ego. And last night, that's what I was reading at the game when he texted me. I felt like I had a better understanding and knew better to engage. I wouldn't have anyway, but like I just knew why a little more.
It makes me sad. I do think he has some capacity to have some empathy. But, looking back, it is not always accessible.
Before bomb, we were going through a really rough time. Not in our r- but external sources. I recall, for the first time in our r, that I really needed support from him. One of the things was my mom's battle with breast cancer. Both xh and I were going through the motions of life. When I tried to be supportive of him, I recall he would become angry. I tried to be upbeat and positive and say that we would get through the rough patch. He became angry and said I just didn't care like he did. He was carrying all the burden.
Anyway, I recall feeling really down. I was washing the dishes and just thinking that I just wanted him to be supportive. Like, someone who I could really lean on. But, I knew, deep down, that he couldn't handle that. For a split second, I thought, I just wish he could be supportive, and if he can't I don't want it. And it was the first time I wasn't going out of my way to ease his burden. I needed comfort too. Now, it was fleeting, the thought. I jumped right back into my role. And honestly, I just thought that we were going through the motions. We talked about how things would turn around. It was too late... he was already setting up his next r.
Anyway, 20/20, right? Looking back prior to MLC, there were def narc tendencies. I think it became exacerbated with MLC. And, ironically (or not?), led him right into a r with a narcissist, herself.
But, enough about them. Really, what I want to do is learn more about this so I can educate myself to cut this off. 20 years is a long time to live in denial. I don't ever want to put myself through this again.
**Disclaimer** I am feeling like knowledge is power. I need to see what I have been dealing with, what I have been through to find my footing to work my way up. I am so lost and confused and don't know what has happened. Part of finding my bearings is understanding. I know I will never truly understand the mlc part. But, that is all acceptance. I need to find my way thought this. With the power in my court. I'm not giving it up that easily anymore.
You know, almost all WASs can appear like narcissists when in the middle of their crisis. But if the tendencies were there PRIOR to the crisis - sometimes we can only see it if we take a dispassionate look at the past.
I never thought of my ex as a narcissist until my best friend pointed out the tendencies. Once I really thought about it, I could see the mild outline of it extending into the early days of our relationship. I do remember thinking, while married, that if I were to become seriously ill, like breast cancer or something, that my ex would not be able to provide the support needed (as it was, he was definitely not supportive when I developed a chronic autoimmune condition, which made me tired and a little spacey).
My current boyfriend, on the other hand? I'm pretty sure he'd tend to me hand and foot if need be if I got seriously ill, and beyond that, if my mom developed dementia I think he'd be right in there with me doing the dirty work. It's tremendously comforting to know that about him.
Some of my ex's selfish behavior since the divorce, relating to the kids, may have its roots in some narcissism. I don't really care enough to wonder about it now.
