Devastated Husband; Need Advice...Part 2

[TSquared2]

T,

I understand about the GAL being hard to make time for, you aren't on a 40 hour work week. Are there somethings, small things, you can do just for you that take just a few minutes before you go to sleep?

Get the full seasons of something like "Game of Thrones" or "Vikings" and watch just one episode a night or something? I found reading my favorite genres of sci-fi/fantasy really took my mind off my sitch, off of xw, and took my mind into alternate reality for a while gave me a mental break that kept me sane and solid, the rational "get stuff done" guy I am. Since time is in short supply for you, maybe just the DVDs?

How did the cooking class go?

I ran across this in an email and I found it enlightening:

One should never endeavor to win back a lost lover for the wrong reasons. And simply stopping the pain of the split, or relieving the agony of the resultant loneliness, is the wrong reason to try to win him back. The basis for this ugly little truth is obvious: unless the underlying factors that caused the breakup in the first place have been examined, and unless there has been a significant change or commitment to a change, a remedy put into play, then you’re simply asking for more of the same, with the same outcome virtually assured.

I think this is why we focus on working on ourselves so heavily, because until the WAS is ready to look at their issues, etc., it is all we can really do, it's the only thing in our control. Which is really, really hard to get in our heads, and until we do, we struggle with this:

I hate the person I'm becoming because I feel hopeless, lost, insecure and someone without direction. I've never been like that.

GAL is a joke. I'm in the field almost very day so when I get home I just sleep. Seriously just dislike who I am because this is not me. Someone who used to be so take charge has now been reduced to this. And I don't know how to fix that

So how to fix?

By accepting the honest, brutal facts of the reality of our sitches. As much as we don't want to, it is key to look at them.

Reality Fact 1: Your W is lost, confused, indecisive, doesn't know what she wants.

Realty Fact 2: You can't fix her. Only she can.

Realty Fact 3: You can't control her, her choices, etc. You can only control YOU.

Realty Fact 4: Based on RF 3 above. It's always your choice to stand, and for how long, OR, to drop the rope and move on. That is the LBS' power, always.

You have a plan, stand until April, following the DB coaches advice, and then re-evaluate. Stick to the plan you have committed to.

If you have a plan, and the mental discipline to stick to it, then you are not:

hopeless, lost, insecure and someone without direction.

KWIM?

[TLEE86]

I'm failing more and more this week and I need a break. C is right, I'm driving myself insane and I truly believe I'm about to lose it and will end up saying or doing something I will regret doing, as small things are already happening or sharing with W that things have been crappy lately and I'm processing stuff. She's said those same things but i can feel myself mentally breaking down.

I need to take a step back but I can't because I enjoy our convos. But I have to...I think for the first time I don't have a choice but to detach. If somehow I'm able to maintain the level of communication I have now, then great but if I don't detach somehow soon, I'm gonna break

[Calibri]

Death by burpees every time you get the urge to talk to her.

But seriously.

I understand. I really do. The interactions are like a drug. You're also five months post BD, four months after she left. From my personal experience, and what I've seen around, this is where it starts to get even tougher. Because damn it, we don't want to be here and why the hell is it not going outer way?

Because, we can't control it.

My feeling? You're going to get hardcore withdrawals if you do it cold turkey. And I don't know if you'll be able to stick with it AND I get the sense that your W. Won't deal well with it.

But you know what, she walked - so I'm less inclined to cater to her situation.

Forgive me, that's the bitch in me coming out. I'm putting her back inside me now.

My other thought is that you ramp it down slowly so as not to cause her alarm and make her feel abandoned, and give yourself some space. Whatever goal you are comfortable with. And for the love of god stop reading her blog.

I'm not an advocate of lying but could you tell a small lie and say you have some sort of opsec thingy and will be out of communication for 48 hours?

You have to take a break or this will blow up in your face and it will get ugly. very very ugly. Trust me.

[Calibri]

Also thread hijack:

Zeus, et. All - thank you for thinking of me. I appreciate your kind words. I'm not ready to post again, just yet. I'm hoping to get there.

[Zelda09]

Hi TLEE,

So sorry to hear about her backslide from her progress, goals. I was getting hopeful she was starting to find her way. Has she ever gone through a completely lost time in her life before or is this her fist opportunity to hit a rock bottom?

But that's enough about her. You mentioned you stopped seeing your IC - maybe time to check in again? (I see you as such a strong figure. Not just bc of the military thing.) Being tied to her phone calls and confusion is probably not sitting well with your values and self concepts, and it sounds like that realization is driving you nutty as much as the actual contacts.

Wishing you your strength and peace back.

Here's a thought - the emotional support she's still getting. Sometimes when we say, "you don't get to pick and choose pieces of me," it can cause the other to really assess what is happening. My H voiced an idea 1st night home about how he'd always be there for me, always care etc., if he was starting to date. All of course while there was a chance for working it out. I flat out refused and promised he wouldn't be given that opportunity. I asked how many exes I still talked to and when he said none...well, "if you really wish to date, I would rather be divorced and make a clean cut of this and a new start to my life. I won't live in an open M while you see what else is out there for you." He said he understood my position and he didn't bring it up again. In fact tried to pretend it was never said quite as I heard it. You know the rest of where this went for me, and I don't think it's going to be an issue again. TLEE - please don't give away the best parts of you for free. Show them, fine, she deserves to know what she left. But she shouldn't get to enjoy you on her terms, it's not fair to you.

[TLEE86]

I don't even know where to start. So I guess Ill just go. Ive structured this so feel free to skip parts since this will be long

Update Past 2 Weeks
Things are on again and off again as usual. We talk regularly, but theres only a few times where there is some depth to the conversation. Something I am working on to do at least once a week. Ironically both W and I have been having baby fever lately, but I don't express it to her. She sends me pictures of baby stuff and it makes me sad. I see a bunch of people walking around with babies and it [censored] because I want kids so bad- REALLY BAD. Things are still very much one-sided, as everything is still on her terms. Ive called her out on it but she just says she recognizes that but doesn't make an effort to really change. Ive been busy with work as usual, this past week I had 2x 48hour days and other days Ive had about 3hours or less of sleep. Because of this, we havent talked as much as usual, and I thought it was her not wanting to, but apparently she thought the same so I guess we were both wanting communication but neither one of us really pushed hard for it. I guess this was my attempt at reducing contact for a few days- it sort of happened?

Besides that, sent her a small Valentines Day box of chocolates and a card and stuff- nothing crazy- and it went over well. I did actually enforce a boundary this month and told her straight up she won't be getting any $ because she's still living there with OM and she actually said she understood, and if the situation were reversed, shed do the same thing.

COMPLAINING

I miss my W. I miss everything we had together. And it hurts to hear her say how much she misses Alaska. I hate going to sleep without her or waking up without her next to me. I hate coming home and she's not there with a huge smile on her face. And honestly? I miss kissing her, telling her I love you. Its weird to even say that out loud now because i havent said it in 5 months. I miss having my best friend with me to explore all the new things in every city and take the dogs hiking. I really feel like my better half is missing. Well, its because she is.

My Thoughts
W is still so lost in the sauce that this thing will never resolve itself until W figures out her own life, or I get so tired of dealing with this that I just give up. But not yet, Ive set my mark on April so well see. I find myself craving attention from women lately. Idk what it is. I guess I just miss the attention, the affection, actually being wanted, just someone to talk to. I don't think I really want to date..but just to know that someone actually appreciates what I do and still finds me attractive. Like Hunter Hayes says..."wanna make you feel wanted." Ive read on a few threads that other people are thinking this too.

My W's Thoughts on her Blog
"Some things I wish I could change or do differently or let go of recently.. Not being strong enough, not going home or sending myself on vacation when I should have, worrying about money when I didn’t have to, not going to school earlier, getting so comfortable in my simple routine of coffee and golden girls all day, being so hard on myself when I looked in the mirror, not realizing the damage I was doing to my body, not being what you needed me to be, not forcing you to be what I needed, not knowing what I want, never making a decision, second guessing my every move. So much more. I still can’t find the path."

Coach's Corner
Says I need to do something to keep the ball rolling. We've plateaued with our conversations and something needs to change to keep it interesting and unpredictable besides the phone. Asked me how I think W would react if i surprise visited her- Honestly? I don't think it would go well. Not a surprise visit. BUT, we agreed a white lie would be ok and tell W I am in town for work and would she want to do dinner- since this worked before when I actually was there for work.

March is a big month. Got engaged in March, married in March, and there is a formal Military Ball in March that obviously I would love for her to go to. Idk what to do about the anniversary. Seems retarded to send a card saying Happy Anniversary when neither one of us is happy. But Idk.

Goals for the Week (as far as me and W)
1. Talk about something deep once a week
2. Keep being unpredictable
3. Try and see her in March

Fellow DB'ers
Z- Ive been thinking a lot about what you said. "Don't give away the best parts of me for free. Show them, but don't let her enjoy them on her terms."

Honestly Idk how to do this. How do i show them, but not let her enjoy it on her terms when everything is so one-sided? You make a great point, but idk how to do this. Thoughts?

C and Pink-
WHERE THE HECK ARE YOU TWO?! Seriously havent heard from you guys on your own threads in forever and their both locked out. You two need to come up on the NET, like NOW. Getting worried and hoping you two are good

[Mozza]

Well, it was close. I spent a day without crying and then reading your "Complaining" made me tear up, 20 minutes before the end of the day.

Re: blog. Be careful posting public content here: it's easy to Google. I usually paraphrase when necessary.

Thanks for the update. I care about your sitch.

[Calibri]

C is in the corner licking her wounds as she's 8 minutes away from her 10 year dating anniversary. But C is still around checking in on people.

I understand everything you're saying. Especially the march stuff. The last week has been hell. H's birthday was last Tuesday, V day Saturday, big 10 in, oh look six minutes.

Will post more later.