Hi Everyone! It's been awhile since I posted. I needed a break to get my life in order, get my new job going, etc. Well today something happened that is just confusing the he!! Out of me. I just don't get...... My W has been "nice" the last couple days. She called yesterday about D15 and if I was going to pick her up that day or at a friends today. I told her that I was cleaning some stuff and found some clothes that may fit her and I would leave them for her when I pick up D15. She offered to help clean stuff out, that she could come over and we could do it together. I told her that was fine but in the meantime I needed to get some things in order. She asked me if I minded taking D15 an extra day so she could go to visit her dad next weekend and I am fine with that. I am ALWAYS nice to her, I don't ever get angry or ask questions or complain. I keep things even I guess is the word. Well today I get a notice that W posted something from Dr Laura on her Facebook page. I don't normally look at her FB stuff but this one intreged me. So I go on and she posted this fancy saying.... It was headed with "Keep this in mind when it comes to your Spouse" It said "Love is when the other persons happiness is more important than your own".
WHAT! If she had felt that this was true, we wouldn't be getting a D!!! This whole sitch is all because she put her own happiness before not just mine but EVERYONE'S, even her kids! Why in the world would she post something like that when it's very clear that if she believes this she is a hipacrete! If she had done this just one out every 100 times we wouldn't be in the middle getting a D! What the heck is wrong with her? Ugh, I was doing so well, not asking myself "why" all the damn time but this I just don't get!
Sorry, I just had to vent. Does she think that maybe people will think I was some selfish jerk by posting this when I put her happiness ahead of my own for 20 years? Did she think it was just a pretty saying and doesn't understand how she NEVER ONCE put anyone's happiness before her own? I will never understand how her thinking can be so totally screwed up!
I am fighting to not post the following comment on her FB "This is exactly how I felt and what I tried to do every day for 20 years. Lot of good it did me!"
I know that it would be a stupid thing to do and wouldn't make a bit of difference but man, I really want to call her on this one!!!
W wasn't thinking about you when she posted that comment in FB. She was thinking about her father when she posted it. In my mind, she replaced her father in the place of "Spouse." Remember she's in MLC.
So what you are saying is W is able to put her fathers happiness before her own even in her MLC but can't do the same for her H or kids? So she is only selectively selfish in her crisis state?
I guess that maybe she feels like she isn't willing to put her own happiness ahead of mine so that must mean she doesn't love me. She said that kind of thing in the past, like the fact she didn't miss me when she went away must mean that she doesn't love me and because she has no control over whether or not she "feels" love for me or anyone, that's a reason to end the M. I wish I knew what happened to the person who used to say love is a verb, not a noun. It's something you do (and when you do the feelings comes) not something that just is. That all changed when the MLC started.
When in my MLC it was one confusing mess. One day this way another day that. The main thing or goal if there was one was getting through the day. That's it!
Now that I'm through I can see that mess as clearly as a bright sunny day.
Your wife is still in the fog. She probably has no idea where she is coming from moment to moment. If she truly gets through to the other side you will know it, you will see it.......but still in the tunnel of her own mind, confusion dictates and guess what you said. Something about being confused, imagine that!!!!
I totally understand the post break, its needed sometimes.
I hope and pray you did not respond to her FB post, and I know you dont usually read her FB post, its probably best not too.
Don't let her words hurt you, if MLC then she dont really know herself how she really feels or maybe what she really wants.
Continue to work on you, so that when/if your W comes out of the tunnel and begins the work, that IF you want a new R with her that you are the best H you can be.
I know its not easy, I still dont know if its harder when MLC is still living in the home or elsewhere, and it probably just depends on the MLC and how they behave and how the LBS reacts,,,so everyone can and will be a lil different.
Only thing you can contine to do is work on YOU.
Hnag in there
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Thanks everyone, No, I didn't respond to the FB post, I know better than to do that. I guess it's one thing to have a S that is so selfish and self centered but for them to actually read something like that and NOT see how they are doing the exact opposite, to think "Gee, that is so true, I need to post that on my FB account" and not have the slightest idea of the irony is just too much.
Forget it. It just doesn't matter. I actually saw my W tonight as I had to take my D15 to her place to pick up some stuff for school. She is just so weird! She is now into "Essential Oils" from a co. called (ironically enough) Young Living (LOL). Each of these things costs an arm and a leg and different smells do different things like cure her allergies or put her to sleep at night, or take away her wrinkles or cure acne...I kid you not! Here I can't pay my electric bill and she is spending hundreds on this crap and swearing they work. She is just so different a person than she used to be.
I will say that I really have a "I just don't care attitude" when I'm around her. I really don't care what she thinks of me or the things I think are important. I think it's easier when I'm around her because I see just how odd her behavior is.
I will never understand why she does the things she does. I just can't spend the time trying to understand this crap anymore!
This is just a for reference only post for you from further down the road.
It's been somewhere north of 5 years since bomb day and yes I am divorced as well. Every once in a while my 16 yr old daughter comes in and jumps on the bed. It's discussion time.
I listen and validate and guess what the topic is.....Mom's so out there Dad. The cliff notes version is.....I'm glad you and mom are divorced for two reasons. one - Dad you deserve better and two - I get to see how two people have moved on and how they handle life. I have learned much from you in dealing with my friends and guys. Also you have a fun time,life seems cool. Mom deals with life negatively and you deal with it positively.
What I learned is my EX-W is still stuck in the tunnel. Still says things to hurt me and still will do things to hurt me. Guess what it doesn't. I've been off that train for a while. It probably took a couple years looking back now.
I'm single(date occasionally)but single dad life is pretty good.
I think you are doing great. I get it that you look at your and her weird behavior. When one has an MLC and doesn't get to the other side I think that is what you get. Confusion in one's mind tends to come out a little weird.
Hi Matt, Just popped in to see how you were. I knew that a lot would have happened re: you!!
I do hope that you feel better bit by bit. This really isn't easy for any of us. There are two great things that I see re: you right now ( Your Ds are NOT included in the two, below - b/c that's just understood!!! They are 'constants'.. You will always have them, & they are lucky to have a father like you. Not everyone has that.
1 - your wife is NOT with you in the home as you try to re-build your life. This does help re: not interrupting your quest for peace & order when an LBS is trying to do just that. You have a 'buffer space' Matt - feel good when the toxic behaviour isn't with you more often that you would like. You have space.
2 - You got a job !!!! Very happy to have read this as the economy is not always 'generous' to many where employment is concerned. I am very happy for you - $$ is another stressor, so at least that's one less thing for you at the moment.
'Keep on keeping on' Matt, p.
------- ps: my 'year' is up (& am trying, 'privately' of course to put a few things in order. it's 'enough'
pbetra ---- M: 15 yrs (in 2014) BD: 6/03/2014 Infidelity ('known' from July 2014) Denied PA Feb 2015 2 leave Mar 2015 (left early Summer). Some contact. Back briefly 2017 (after family death) Separated 2017
Very happy to have read this as the economy is not always 'generous' to many where employment is concerned. I am very happy for you - $$ is another stressor, so at least that's one less thing for you at the moment.