Oh, Susana! (3)

[Complex]

I second that. Have to tell myself over and over again "do what works" and some of the stuff you did obviously did work, so continue but continue with caution.
Be advised tho to "mirror" him, which means all the action has to come from him right now, not from you.

[susana4]

Thanks Complex and Cadet for the reminders, it's good to keep in mind the basics (no one thing will make or break it, do what works, mirroring, detaching and staying calm).

My game plan for today:
-Detach, detach, detach
-No expectations (really need to manage this right now)
-Expect pullback
-PMA!!!

I don't have any GAL planned for today, I was going to spend the night in and cook because the rest of the week I'm out and I want to relax.

Part of me is tempted to make a GAL plan just because I wonder if I need to pull back a little right now, but OTOH I don't want to modify my plans because of H. I'm just living my life!

What's worked? Just making some notes for myself, it's hard to say exactly what or a combination, but what I've been doing...
-Boatloads of PMA
-Lots of laughter
-NO criticisms
-Not making conversation to fill silence
-Active listening + validation and a whole lotta asking about him and listening without interruption
-AOS & WOA - not sure what his LL is so I've been doing a bit of both. Just light stuff - aiming for 1 genuine compliment/day plus a small AOS (e.g. making him a cup of coffee, folding laundry)
-Inviting him for some lighthearted activities, e.g. geocaching, Maze
-Not giving any advice, just listening
-Not being reactive, avoiding arguments

[susana4]

Ok. Really need to centre myself. I am getting really nervous about tonight and I know from past experience when I get nervous things don't go well, it makes the atmosphere anxious! Need to remain calm and without any expectations.

[susana4]

Tonight was pretty neutral. I expected pullback but there wasn't really, but nor was he quite as warm and flirtatious as yesterday. It did feel comfortable and strangely domestic and from the outside looking in, I'm sure we would have looked like a normal husband and wife.

After work, we walked home together and H asked "what shall we make for dinner tonight?" I said I was making risotto.

We chatted on the way home, but he was pretty quiet today so I tried my best to mirror him, and not push for conversation or fill the conversational gaps. I cooked while he listened to some podcasts, then we ate dinner. We had some wine and we sat on the sofa together, him watching TV and me reading a book.

Then I decided to make pancakes because tomorrow is pancake day but I'm out GALing. He was pretty excited and I was too. One thing I'm really confident about is my cooking, and I make some pretty ace pancakes. Even the first one turned out perfect!

The pancakes earned me a lot of praise and 4 hugs in the space of 10 minutes.

Then H announced he was in a grump today and didn't know why but thought it might be due to tiredness so he wanted to go to bed early. I asked him why he was in a bad mood but he didn't really respond so I didn't press him (a 180 for me) and made a joke, then left the room.

Overall is was a nice relaxed night but it felt so much like one of our average nights pre-BD it was a bit disconcerting.

One strange thing - I've been making an effort to be more appreciative (a 180) because I realised I never really thank him for what he does around the house. So I've been thanking him for lots of things, like taking out the trash or doing the dishes. And tonight he asked me to stop thanking him so much, saying he doesn't deserve it as the stuff he does is not worth thanking for! Wtf? I said I appreciate what he does and I want to thank him. I plan to continue but it was odd.

Hug count tonight: 10

[susana4]

I can see changes in my behaviour and I know I have a ways to go but I'm happy with how far I've progressed.

Sunday when H and I went to the maze, we got really lost on the way there. In the past, I would have gotten exasperated and gone "oh, give me the map, let me figure it out". This time, I gave up the need for control and let him navigate and just enjoyed the walk. Even if we did get lost, it just meant we had more time to wander around together, and the weather was lovely.

Last night it was a minor thing but he said he'd buy some paper towels which we needed to buy before this morning (when the cleaner came) when he took out the recycling. Before he left, I was going to remind him because I had a feeling he'd forget - but I chose to trust that he'd remember. And do a 180 on constantly being his 'memory'. And you know what? He did forget, but I realised it really didn't matter in the grand scheme of things. It was only paper towels! He was extremely annoyed at himself, but I treated it lightheartedly and said it didn't matter, we could get up a little early and go get them.

This morning I slipped a bit. We were about to leave the house and I saw he wasn't wearing a coat so I said "are you not wearing a coat today?" Then realised how much I sounded like his mother, and how passive aggressive the way I stated it was. I'm still cringing a bit thinking about it.

Is it worth apologising for later? Or would bringing attention to it make it worse?

[Sotto]

Hi Susana

I wouldn't worry about the coat. Always best to apologise for hurtful things, but where you have noticed something about your behaviour you would like to change, I would just note it and change it next time.

Your last post struck a chord with me and this is an area I'm working on too. I always felt I needed to control things and would be reminding about coats, drinks, this & that. I always saw it as a 'helpful' thing...keeping H and SS 'on track' if you like. But now I realise I might have been trying to keep them on (my) track. It's a bit exhausting sometimes and not very attractive. I'm trying to relax a bit more and go with the flow too...

[susana4]

Toots - life's so much more fun when we learn to relax a little, isn't it? I realised how much energy I wasted trying to constantly 'look after' other people (who are perfectly capable of looking after themselves)!

[susana4]

I'm really confused about H's LL - was pretty sure it's AoS, so I've been doing a few things around the house and thanking him for stuff he does, but last night he told me to stop thanking him so much when what he does isn't that big a deal. And today he barely noticed all the straightening up and cleaning I'd done.

I also thought it might be WOA so I've been trying to give more compliments and gratitude (I've been trying too anyway) but a lot of the time he'll just negate my compliment by saying "no I'm not" or "I'm not really that good".

Thoughts? Am I wrong about his LL? Or is he just lacking self confidence?

[susana4]

Help! Think I just f'ed things up a bit.

H was a bit distant when I got home - was expecting pullback any day now but it still got to me a little bit.

I brought up tomorrow - we are going to standup comedy that he got me tickets to for my bday. I asked what time it was, hoping he might suggest dinner beforehand - and he did!

I asked where he wanted to go, and he suggested this Middle Eastern fast food place. We've been a few times before and liked it but I was a little disappointed because I wanted to go to a restaurant where we'd have a chance to sit and talk.

I immediately said yes but he could sense I wasn't that up for it (annoyingly he can always tell when I'm upset which makes it really hard for me to fake PMA), and he *kept* asking me what was wrong and if I was mad at him. Seriously, he would not leave it alone, in spite of me saying repeatedly I wasn't annoyed or upset - it got to the point where I got annoyed at him for asking me, and snapped a little.

He asked me if I wanted to go to a fancier restaurant and said he didn't have the money right now. Later I decided to just lay my cards on the table and be honest with my desires (since I've had problems in the past), and I said that I didn't really mind the restaurant, I was just a bit sad because it's very hard to talk in that fast food place, and I like talking to him so I was hoping we'd have the chance to talk.

He remarked "I guess we had different thoughts, is all, I thought dinner and just thought about grabbing food". But then he said he "wants chats too" and suggested we grab a drink after dinner, and before the comedy.

So why am I feeling so negative right now?!

*He and I are going to a comedy night tomorrow (it's not a date but it sure feels like it)
*He asked me to get dinner with him beforehand
*He says he wants to have chats with me and suggested a drink between dinner and comedy so we would have time to talk
*He nearly kissed me again when he said good night to me tonight

But I think I made way too big a deal about the restaurant, he even remarked he didn't think it was such a big deal, and told me to pick it. Should I just go with his original suggestion? I could go somewhere else and treat him, but I don't know if that's a good idea.

Also, game plan for tomorrow? I want to wear a nice, sexy dress but how far is too much? I will try and go with no expectations, and keep up PMA of course. I'm a bit nervous though (only because it feels a bit like a date)!

Anything else I should do to prepare for tomorrow?

[susana4]

New thread time!

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Susana (4) - Do you have to be confusin'?