barely holding on - 7

[u-turn]

The cycle continues:

I did not start the conversation last night because I was not in the right frame of mind. I had dinner with kids & W and we went to our corners.

But I am still feeling like I need to continue yesterday's conv.

She is continuing to do nice things for me, make me breakfast, bought me some craft beer while they were out, and still trying to make normal conversation. All of this is just covering the issues at hand and I don't want to do this any more.

If I ask her: is it your intention to continue your affair? her response would drive the conversation.

or

I say - if your intention is to continue your affair, then no amount of nice acts toward me will help. It is just a sham. You do not need to hide anything from me or lie to me any more. You will need to carry on this way away from this house as it is completely disrespectful to me and the kids. I will not cover for you or lie for you any more either.

I am feeling very unsettled again today.

[Sotto]

Hi U-turn. From your description of your talk with your W, she is clearly still wayward and unrepentant. It doesn't sound as though a further talk will help IMHO.

Forgive me not reading right back through your sitch, but has your W been involved in an A since last March? And you've had an in-house S since then? If so, that's a long time, and boy that can't have been easy.

You say your W has walked all over your boundaries. How did you respond to that? It sounds to me as though she is able to continue her A with few consequences. Yes, you are sleeping in another part of the house - but basically family life continues as usual. Where's the motivation to change this - the reality check?

I would take the focus off her and put it on you. Given where things are at right now - what do you want to do for yourself to make your life better?

[u-turn]

Still wayward and still unrepentant - I would say so. She has been in the affair (on and off as she says) since last march and we have been in various states of in-house separation with the most serious and defined being now. It has been so difficult and it is still not working for me. I still cannot detach enough to not care about her A.

My response to finding out that she does not care about my boundaries is where I am now. That is why I feel like the next phase of the conversation will help define what I want to happen now. I want her to leave if she intends on continuing the A. I totally sounds like an ultimatum to me, but it has been a very long time and I do not see another way to give her a reality check and for me to not feel walked on any more.

What else can I do? I feel like I've come a long way because I am not upset by any of this any more - I am only tired.

She will likely not want to leave and then I have to decide if I will leave our house.

[MrBond]

Just my humble opinion in DB-terms.

You've decided to limit communication which hasn't stopped her A. You are actually in a lucky position because your W WANTS to talk to you. You can easily do a reverse of what the OM did and actually LISTEN to her which in turn can start changing her attitude towards you.

Seems like that's what she wants. You can get her to care about you again. But again, it is up to you. But from what's going on right now, what you're doing now isn't working.

[u-turn]

Thanks - I totally get it would be DB to do that. I have tried that for long periods before and she becomes friendlier. She would like if I communicated with her more.

I agree that she may care more about me if I did this (and she really does act like she cares about me). But it is has not so far moved her to decide to end the A.

I do not ignore her or walk away from her when she is talking, but I do not respond with much. I have not been offering any stories of my own and only answering her questions with very short answers.

I can be her friend and talk to her more, but she is continuing to disregard my values and boundaries. The communication seems to just smooth things out and make her time at home easier which then makes her time with him easier and less of a problem for her.

I do not really know how to enforce my boundaries and still communicate this way.

[MrBond]

"I can be her friend and talk to her more, but she is continuing to disregard my values and boundaries. "

As are you. Right now her values are different and you're disagreeing to them as well as she is with you. So the two of you are at a standstill. Talking and communicating will help to slowly lower the walls between the two of you.

[u-turn]

I am becoming confused with this MrBond and partially because I think you have asked me in the past - how long are you going to accept being in an open marriage? and I now realize that I cannot change this unless I end it. You have usually taken a stronger stance about maintaining our dignity.

Ultimately - this is not what I want, but I do not see how going back to ignoring it and hoping she stops and carrying on like all is normal will actually bring her around. I do know that I am lucky in the sense that she is friendly to me and wants to talk to me, but I really do believe that it is only a front.

[MrBond]

Well the thing is that you are in an open M and you haven't done much to improve that situation. You say you put up boundaries but haven't enforced anything. So I'm just saying that if you've been doing something for a long period of time and nothing has changed, then do something different.

[MrBond]

Oh and about you thinking that it's a front, that's all mindreading. It might be it might not. But the fact that you have a spouse that actually talks to you when the vast majority of LBS don't even have that, is a plus. Just my opinion.

[u-turn]

Thanks Bond
My situation really has not improved through this whole time though she still talks to me, which I do value. I just do not know how to move this forward and I am feeling this can last indefinitely like this if I do not do something - and I do realize my current situation does make it an open marriage, though I feel as if we are barely married at this point.

I have tried going through extended times of ignoring the situation and talking to her like all is normal. She responds positively to that, but does not change. I have been dim with her for about 3 weeks now, I sense her frustration, but don't know if I should continue.

That is where a stronger statement with the actions of a physical separation may show her that I am not accepting her behavior.

I feel better these days when I am away from her. I don't think of her during the day much - I stay busy with my teaching job, I am running an after school architecture competition for the students, I still have my business that I am re-building after last year's mess that I created. I get to spend alone time with my kids every day. But things change when she comes home - I eat the dinner that I made with her and the kids and then I go do something else and she watches tv in the living room where she sleeps. I communicate with her during dinner, but that is really it right now.

I hate this way of being, but if I re-open the lines of communication and sit with her for a while while she watches tv, will she understand what she is or will be missing?