Funeral for a husband, love lies bleeding

[cczamo]

Journal update: (I'm sorry it is so very lengthy!)

Over 1 year passed since ExH dropped bomb ILYBNILWY and much craziness, heart ache and tears followed. I look back on the past 13+ months and can see my growth and healing. I chose to have faith that God is in charge rather than to get bitter and question why. I believe He IS using my experience for good.

Since my last post in September 2014, I've communicated with exH only once or twice, and very briefly with regards to our income tax and getting his tax refund monies to him. He was very guarded and all was business only, with one brief exception: in our last communication, he volunteered that he thought of my grown son often (his stepson who throughout the years, he said he loved very much), and told me to please pass on to my son that he wished him well in his future in his new house. An aside, my exH often struggled with problems with his twin daughters, and would remark frequently as to how lucky I was to have a wonderful problem free son. ExH loved my son's friends and enjoyed watching them grow up, graduate hs and college, and get married. ExH would often go to Las Vegas if he knew my son and friends would be out there. ExH would get their lavish meals and hotel rooms comped most of the time. ExH would invite son and his friends to bbq here at our home for sports watching events, even up to months within bomb drop.

Looking back, I think that exH wanted to be young again, like my son and his friends who are a great close-knit group of young men closing in on 30 years old now. Its entirely possible, that my exH, being only 20 years older, may have become responsible too soon in college, working in IT, moving up in position, successful even before graduating from college. So perhaps he missed the experiences and bonding “bromances” he saw my son and his friends have in their 20s.

Since late September of 2014, I've been dating a wonderful man, 18 years my senior (who can run circles around me—seriously, he gets 10,000 more fitbit steps than i do each day!) who is eager to marry me. He has said he'll be patient and wait for me, though. Other than our age difference, I have so much in common with him. We're keeping it "out of the bedroom," to allow me to continue my healing within the boundaries of our shared faith. I am healing, but occasionally, I still get unexpected pangs of sadness and momentarily teary-eyed, but these moments happen less and less frequently. I am now to the point where I sometimes don’t think about my ex on a daily basis. This time last year, I doubted that would ever happen.

Very long update but all to say, time (and God) heals. I’m thankful for the path God has placed me on and the new and old friends He has placed on my journey to walk along side me for a time. I’m thankful that I have a daily choice to walk the hopeful high road, even though at times I still miss my exH very much.

Im repeating a C.S. Lewis quote I'd posted months ago, but believe it still applies to my life today:

"Every time you make a choice you are turning the central part of you, the part of you that chooses, into something a little different from what it was before. And taking your life as a whole, with all your innumerable choices, all your life long you are slowly turning this central thing either into a heavenly creature or into a hellish creature: either into a creature that is in harmony with God, and with other creatures, and with itself, or else into one that is in a state of war and hatred with God, and with its fellow-creatures, and with itself. To be the one kind of creature is heaven: that is, it is joy and peace and knowledge and power. To be the other means madness, horror, idiocy, rage, impotence, and eternal loneliness. Each of us at each moment is progressing to the one state or the other."

C.S. Lewis

I’ll come back at some point in the future and update. God Bless you each in your own journey!