All my counselors/coach say that I do have this wall/ mask to protect myself. I can't take anymore disappointment so I became so pessimistic about everything. So I do see we are both broken people together. People who knew me from before are somewhat shocked that I am with someone.
I am trying to let out some emotions. I did get agitated at work yesterday. It probably stemmed from me being so sad and upset in the morning.
Well, a few weeks ago, H mentioned my wanted to go visit his daughters (8 hours away) for V-Day. He has been more depressed last week so I offered to lend him some money to go. He thought about it then accepted but at the last minute, he became mad. He lashed out at me for just asking him what was he planning to do. He said he hates taking my money and lives under my umbrella. He said I was manipulating him to stay with me. I got angry and told him I was being nice and was texting with one of his daughter and that's why I wanted him to go.
I could not stop so I was crying, carrying on, forcing him to hug me right before he left. So now he wants to move out more than ever.
I do see every action results in a reactions.
Me 44; H 48 no kids together; H has D24, D19 M 14; T 18 DB 12/21/14 living together (for now)
When you're reading it, take notes and highlight parts. You're asking alot of questions and making alot of mistakes that are addressed in the book. You can do it.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Ok, re-reading DB. Trying to "detach" but I do love him. it probably does not to make any sense but I do believe we are better with each other. I know I can only change and control myself. At times, it is so hopeless but I am trying very hard to be optimistic.
I gave him a big smile when he came home from a visit with his daughters. He smiled back and pecked me on the lips. He gave dinner that I made and went to sleep.
This morning our cellphones were cut due to non-payment. I spoke to H but did not offer to pay it for him. And I will not pay it since it is his responsibility. So now we do not have cellphones. It is a little scary this morning since I had to drive in the snow and if I crashed, I had no phone. But I digress.
Not much but little "detach" will do for now.
Me 44; H 48 no kids together; H has D24, D19 M 14; T 18 DB 12/21/14 living together (for now)
H seems down from not having a phone. Tonight he also said the car insurance going to hit him soon and all his checks bounced left and right. We have separate bank accounts and bills (from the drug days). I just said your disability check will be here soon and did not offer to help.
He later said he was hungry several times. Well, I did not cook tonight so did not leave him any foods. Usually, I would go and find him something to eat. Not tonight.
The best part of tonight was that when he came home, I was smiling and said I have something funny to show him on the computer. He came to me without me reminding him and ask me to show him. I laughed and smiled showing him something funny from work. Hr looked confused and asked if I was OK.
Small steps for me. I can only change myself.
Now my story, I signed up for meet up and will definitely do something this weekend.
Me 44; H 48 no kids together; H has D24, D19 M 14; T 18 DB 12/21/14 living together (for now)
I got a call from H this morning saying to be careful coming down the outside stairs because of ice. Also, last night he moved my car out of the garage because since it has been so cold, the garage door sometimes does not open and I had to climbed in through the window to open from the inside.
Action and reactions. I am not going to lose my cool. I am giving him time and space.
Me 44; H 48 no kids together; H has D24, D19 M 14; T 18 DB 12/21/14 living together (for now)
