WAW Affair admittd 3

[25yearsmlc]

RE EXPOSURE...

Hey Fade

No I wont be lying if anyone asks me why but the MB approach does seem a bit extreme. To me it just adds fuel to the fire. Everyone is going to find out at some point anyway.


I think it's VERY extreme. Short of pressing adultery charges (one wonders why they don't also suggest that), there's nothing they do not promote.

SHAMING is key here, and that is Not healthy. I can't see a noble streak in there at all. I believe it always always looks vindictive on the LBS's part.

And here's the ironic truth:

Exposure does NOT make the LBS look like the sympathetic victim, in the end.

An example from real life. I am the administrator for my HS class FB page. We keep each other informed about our lives and all Reunion information is shared there. It has 400+ classmates on it.

A few years back a STBXW posted something about her H (a classmate) and OW (also a classmate). I had not seen it as I'm not that active on FB...

Several people contacted me to ask me to delete the message. (Note: Every single person who mentioned it, asked me to delete it).

It was a message from the LBW who wrote "Don't let OW (Named) steal your h, like she stole mine last year"... No one had commented or "liked" it or said a thing, yet enough had seen it to alert me. I deleted it.

NOT ONE of the people who saw it and commented to ME, expressed sympathy for the wife.

Everyone felt she should not have aired her dirty laundry, let alone on our class FB page.

A few called her crazy, others said "She has problems", and one person even said "no wonder h left her" (OUCH! That hurt just to read.)

I did not detect anyone being angry or shocked or disappointed in the classmates having the affair. I do wonder if we'd just learned of it on our own, maybe we'd have felt some sympathy towards the LBW or maybe some judgement about the classmates...but I'll never know. Presumably,

The goal of the LBW's exposure was either to SHAME her H & OW

AND OR to end the affair.

But neither thing happened, and SHE is worse off than before.

(Plus, it's not like we would not have figured out the affair when we saw them together anyhow. Then, I might have said something to the OW b/c she's a friend of mine.)

I know some men and women who have come back from affairs. I've seen about 8 marriages survive affairs (not one night stands but actual affairs of some duration).

Only one affair then involved expousre, but that m ended anyhow, about 4 years later. I don't think there was much joy in that home with the pseudo reconciliation either.

Turns out that shame is a turn off for women...in that case I honestly believe the affair would have ended anyhow and maybe they could have recovered.

According to the wife, (who I'm sure is biased, but still), it was the H's behavior and his "humiliating" her, that eventually got her to leave for good.

She regrets NOT the affair, but the "4 wasted years of a fake marriage" and

Again, Ouch.


Both my parents already know, her work colleagues must have an idea and her family will no doubt be wondering. Why do I need to drop a bomb in there an hurt everyone.


Indeed, WHY? What possible advantage TO YOU, is there? I understand the urge to damage her. It's not noble, but it is understandable.

And I am not suggesting you lie or cover for her. But why would YOU be the party to expose her A behavior? Isn't it just, beneath you?

Have you read the piece in Div Busting books that advise against exposure? IT's in there. So my real question is, if you have read it, why are you still asking about it?

I mean, what's the thing you are not clear on? You are on a Div Bsuting site asking us why you should adhere to the Div Busting program. I'm thinking, b/c we are not about shaming here. We are about restoring marriages and getting them thru a crisis period...shame plays no part in a healthy marriage. Feeling remorse is not the same thing and that is also something that we cannot cause in someone else...do you get that?

While there are many good, differing opinions on which approaches to take,

SOME pieces of these approaches are mutually exclusive and to me, this is a big one that is not to be mixed with other methods.

I still don't know why MB doesn't advocate carving a scarlet letter. I believe they DO advocate pressing adultery as grounds for divorce in the relevant states.

I ponder that, for the following reasons:

Adultery claims do NOT affect child support

OR custody (unless other factors are present)

and it does not affect property settlements.

So tell me, what the heck is the reason for pressing this matter, if Not to shame the person? How healthy a goal, how noble a purpose - is that?
[b
So if restoring a marriage is the goal, then the purpose of exposure still escapes me....[/b]

But that's not to say I don't understand the urge. By God, I surely do...

Im pretty sure my wife would hate me forever if I did that. As it stands I want to remain civil at the least as we have D8. As far as getting back together I'm not really sure I want to anyway. Think it is more my ego.

Bingo...you are onto something valuable here.

Affairs sting like he11. SOME men can have affairs that "mean nothing" or mean very little about the marriage or wife.

SOME men have affairs that mean both parties in the m need to step it up a lot.

Why is it that when women have affairs, divorce is more likely? Is it b/c men just cannot forgive as well, or their egos are more fragile or society lets them get away with more?

OR is it b/c the affairs that wives have, mean more?

Most women who have affairs, your w included, feel at least mostly justified.

I almost had an Affair in year 9 of our m. At the time, I can honestly say h was so busy in his residency and work that I and our m were not priorities to him. Yes, I was very neglected. Rather than continuing to justify an EA which almost turned into a PA now, let me just sum it up...

I felt justified. I rationalized it very well. And yet, I still felt quite torn. After all, h wasn't at a bar drinking. We were both military (I joined b/c HE owed them for medical school) and I was being sent to a war zone, not him. I'm sure at some deep level that I wasn't fully aware of at that time, I might have resented him for that too.

I imagined the kids crying if I told them about a possible OM and a divorce and I could imagine my h doing that too. Those images killed me.

I sought counseling from a chaplain (surprisingly helpful) and a shrink (mediocre).

I ended the relationship which took some effort due to work related times. (I actually told my paralegal that I was "too attracted to OM" and she assisted me in creating distance between us til combat demands got him transferred).

My h never learned of it. If he had - and IF he had tried to shame me with it,

back then I suspect that my rationalizations and justifications would have ratcheted up up and away! I'd have likely filed for divorce.

Seriously. I would have felt cornered and trapped. I mean, IF HE tried to shame me I would have felt the need to defend myself.

(Remember that the more we challenge someone, the more we force them to defend their choices, instead of honestly assessing them).

OTOH, if he'd learned of it and tried to accommodate me more, increasing efforts in the marriage, that would have been good. But I shared with him how lonely I felt inside the marriage and we did some good work on our r, then.

I'm pretty sure this^^ is an example of how exposure would have eliminated any chance of reconciliation.

Read the book again if you still remain unconvinced. Your d will learn enough in time and when she's mature enough, and time has passed, your w will be better able to objectively see her behavior.

I am now able to review it more fairly. But back then I was in pain inside a very lonely marriage, I was convinced that passionate love was no longer feasible inside my marriage, which I craved...my needs had gone unmet for the years he'd been in medical school and we were in the 5th year of what seemed like an unrelentingly demanding life...so,

If you had thrown shame into that mixture, I'd have bolted for good. My suggestion for you is this:

BE the better man. Become a man only a fool would leave.

If your w is a fool, then in the long run, she's done you a favor.

Keep posting and keep on keeping on...
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