Jbird#2 Separated Living Together Need Advice

[25yearsmlc]

Some questions I have:

Since my STBX has mental illness issues, I should cook for her and fix her car, correct?

Your stbx is not getting help for her issues, correct? She is leaving the marriage, correct? She's leaving the area soon, (or plans to), correct? Keep those realities in mind.

If fixing her car or cooking her meals, (meals were already discussed & you seemed clear on this issue), are convenient for you to do, and NOT costly in time or effort or money, then it is acceptable I suppose.

But you cannot divert any resources her way b/c you say you are broke and you have a SND to care for.

Where do YOU think your energy and resources ought to be spent?


When she is involved with OM who has 32 court cases in 15 yrs, of which he was found guilty of at least a dozen felonies. So I shouldn't warn her?


Wow, this is ^^ crazy of you to know.

First, You assume she did not know, (she may have known and pretended not to) AND second, you snooped about OM, which is not your responsibility and which is a waste of time on your end. There are reasons that DB books say Not to snoop...
Has what you told her, made any difference?

None of this^^ is your responsibility. NONE OF IT. It's your responsibility to plan on caring for your SND and yourself. What are you doing in that arena?

I thought you were really worried about financial survival and needed to find more income to support you & your daughter. I thought that was where you wanted to focus, not on your stbxw....

I really hope you'll prioritize things more, b/c far too much of your life and focus and mental and emotional energy is spent on what your wife is or will be doing.

That's no way to live. She cannot be the center of your universe.


Yesterday she needed help rehooking up her computers for her travel agent job, she works from her home office. She had no clue, so I helped her. Was I right to help her or wrong?

Does it matter?

I mean, as I and others have said, if it's not a diversion of resources for you, do as you wish. Never be cruel or rude. But make sure you Do not pursue or have expectations/hopes. My hunch is that you harbor hopes your wife will feel grateful and want to stay with you, b/c you feed her or repair things.

I'm glad you see the co-dependence piece of it, b/c it sure seems as if you think being needed by her, means you are highly valued by her.

I don't believe your wife thinks you are filling her needs, at least not in a way that she values highly. Sorry, I know that hurts. But it's how it looks to me.




To me all are being codependent. I know I can't control her, this is all her choice, but she is very very naive about a lot of things.

Why does that make any difference? Isn't what you are really doing, is trying to exert some control/influence over her, WHILE pretending to realize you have none?

Try to recognize that your actions speak much louder than your words. See thru your own "stories" so you can learn to change.


For an example two years ago she thought the sun and the moon were the same thing.

That is not naiveté on her part, that is ignorance.

I am not trying to insult her, but it's important to accurately describe a behavior.

Naivete is being too trustworthy, too unsophisticated, not "worldly" enough to know when someone is a con artist. Dating a prisoner can be very naive.


But not knowing the difference between the sun and moon, is not naive.

Not that it matters, but are you sure you understood her? It's hard for me to believe, really. I say that b/c you have never before intimated that she's this uninformed. You said she had PTSD and an opiate addiction, (which may be related to each other, but are not related to IQ or worldliness).

And she earns a decent income, correct?


She saw a facebook post about the highway by Mt Rushmore being closed, because they were bringing a large lump of coal to put on the mountain and carve Obama's face. She thought it was true.

I am working on a trip to ND to see family and to help me cut the rope.

Jbird

Can you explain ^^^ this? I don't see the connection between a trip and dropping the rope. Btw, How far away are you?

And, again, what are your 180s and GAL? Seriously, what are they?

Have you noticed that you are still making your posts about HER?

When do you think that should stop? Can you try to post about your life and your kids and ideas, etc, for a week, without mentioning your wife?

Maybe take it a day at a time. But begin now, b/c imo, it's a huge part of your co-dependence.

And hang in there! Things will get better.