Actually it sounds like a good thing. Go ahead and discuss DB with her. Talk about what you've learned about how your M broke down and how to fix it. Turn this into a positive and not a negative.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
You need to know that I had my own OW during my own affair. Affairs are incredibly hurtful because it crosses the line of trust and intimate bonds that is explicit in a M.
This is probably a very, very dark time for you. I totally get why you feel getting an A is the only thing that will save you. That's not true. YOU are the only person who can make you happy...not Kieran, not OM, not your GFs, not your family. You are 100% percent for your own happiness.
Sure, Marriages are hard work. Why else do we say "for better, for worse..." or "from this day forward" in our vows. Marriages do have conflict. It is a given. How you and Kieran handle conflicts and resolve them is up to you.
I know you still love Kieran deep inside..don't let that flame die completely. However, you must break free from your OM 100% RIGHT NOW to give yourself and M any chance for success. Decide now. You owe it to yourself, Kieran, your M, and family.
I totally get the fact that you might be feeling completely hopeless and feeling that your needs will never be met. Seek help. Engaging in an A is very hurtful...please don't go down that path.
We have had the WAS (Walk Away Spouse) come here with the their LBS (Left Behind Spouse) and grown together. I sincerely do hope you will take up our offer to come here and we will surround you with love and support.
Sandi has been a very, very valuable resource as she was a WAW (Walk Away Wife) who had an affair with her OM. She's ended the A a long time ago and is now happily reconciled with her H. I believe Sandi would be a terrific ally to you.
Well, W is too clever by half. I forgot to delete search history on one computer, so she found this thread and read it all while I was away. We had a good talk and examined some of the bad dynamics in our relationship from both sides. We're a work in progress, and DB will be playing a role, but it will have to be an explicit one practiced by both of us while we're working together on the M. Thank you all for your advice and encouragement.
I sincerely DO hope that W will be transparent and honest with you about her intentions and motivations. No more placating chit.
You might want to look at any books by Gottman. He's gold has he's done a lot of research into marriages and what makes them work.
To get you started, you would want to get the Five Love Languages book by Chapman.
All the best to you two as you begin rebuilding your crappy M to the one that you both have always dreamed of.
Things are going pretty well. We've been talking so much about everything. Probably about 8 hours of discussion over the last 5 days. W has been frank about what happened in A, which was not easy for her, but it helped me to get a grip on the situation. She has agreed to cut off all contact with OM. We have both been clear that our M will only have a chance to heal in the complete absence of contact.
I understand that W will need time to grieve that relationship, and that there will be a great temptation to recontact. My position is that it's not a "one strike and you're out" thing, but rather an issue of trust and recommitment to the M. I stressed that recontacting OM will only make things harder for us, but that I'd rather know about it so we can work on how to stop it together if it's a problem.
W has gone from not showing much remorse, after our first confrontation, to really expressing remorse and recognizing my pain. She has also been able to articulate the hurt and loneliness that she was feeling that formed the context of the start of the A. I finally grasped how my behaviour contributed to this.
I am doing an individual counselling session next week, then we are going to see how things go working on the M ourselves, with DB and DR as guides. We're going to check in two weeks from now to see if MC is something we want.
So that's how things stand right now. Lots of work ahead, but also lots of hope.
Thanks for the update. Yep, the hard work has just begun.
I STRONGLY urge you and W to make an appointment with MWD. There are some really bad MC's out there who can do some real damage. You want to interview MC's in your area and ask the following questions:
-What is your therapy approach? -What are your views about marriages that are troubled? -What is your ratio/percentage in saving marriages?
You would want to find a MC therapist who is solution-based and follows Gottman principles. Those kinds of therapists don't focus on re-hashing everything ad nauseam, but instead on a path forward in healing as a couple and rebuilding your M as a much stronger one.
Ya know what? We've had both LBS and WAS post here for extra support. Nop and Mrs.Nop along with Coach and Greek.
No judgment here.
Sandi, any other suggestions? Your experience as an ex-WAW would be extremely helpful here.
And I do hope you will keep coming here. Lord knows, you DO need support from us here.
I'm going to second Wonka's suggestion of finding a MC that follows Gottman. I'm very familiar with his work and style of therapy. It is aimed at building a relationship from the ground up. He focuses on things such as communication, problem-solving, expressing feelings, conflict (recognizing and using repair attempts is something a lot of couples miss), and general maintenance of the relationship. He is a proponent of the love bank that you hear referenced all over the forums and believes in a ratio of 5:1 good vs bad interactions. The success rate of following Gottman, who constantly conducts research, is high when the couple commits to follow the strategies involved.
M: 8.5 T:10 Me:37 W:34 S:6
Retrouvaille and W moves back- 7/31/15 Piecing - 7/4/15 to present
