a young man with hope II

[lnlyshp]

Actually, nevermind. Came home and the court summons was taped to my door. So I suppose I have that to look forward to tomorrow.

[Vanilla]

Ins

A very hard time for you and I am sending you all my support across the miles.

S1 is in your life for all of your life: this precious child that you love so much is worth every effort you can make for Ins.

V

[lnlyshp]

Quick journal

S started daycare, seems to enjoy it. I miss our days together but it is helpful. His mother is paying for it (for now), I'm sure this will be an issue in the future.

A back injury (weight lifting) has kept me out of the gym for a while, but I think it is slowly starting to get better. I'm going to try swimming tomorrow, hopefully that will help loosen it up. 22 y/o's aren't supposed to have bad backs!

I have a date on Saturday, to go see a movie with my friend. I still don't think either one of us is ready for a relationship, but it will be nice to have a date on Valentine's.

Haven't filed response to paperwork yet, not really even sure how to begin. At this point I just want it to be over & done with.

When I think about her, I just get upset. Not at her necessarily. Things have been rough lately between us, fighting often. When she filed for divorce, I think it took a lot of fight out of me to be civil towards her. Currently we are both feeling like our relationship should only extend as far as raising S and no further. Most of the time I sit around wishing that I never had to see her again, even though I know that isn't possible.

I am still very hurt but I think I've moved past the "denial/bargaining" stage of grief and currently sit somewhere between "anger/depression". I still want to detach, but have had a lot of problems keeping my emotions in check.

For anyone reading, thank you for taking the time. Be well.
- ship

[mahhhty]

lnly...
I feel your back pain. Literally. Swimming is a great exercise though. Good luck. Sorry about the summons, that [censored], but it doesn't mean anything has to change unless you want it to change!

As for grieving, the grieving process isn't linear. Meaning you aren't going to progress from one stage to another. With grief, you bounce through all the stages randomly (or as your life, your mind dictates).

Keep your chin up!

[lnlyshp]

Up late. Can't sleep.

Going to file my response on Tuesday. Honestly it couldn't have come at a worse time, financially-speaking. But the sooner everything is settled, the sooner I can start figuring everything out in terms of a new living situation for me and S and hopefully trade in my car (piece of junk Honda).

Date went well. Very nice time with my friend. Nothing too romantic. But she did kiss me at the end of the night - maybe that's just SOP with those kinds of things. I've always been the type of guy to come to your doorstep, open your car door for you, and some of those old fashioned type things, etc. I hope she didn't feel pressured to kiss me or anything. I am still just not ready for anything serious.

I've had trouble staying positive during exchanges with STBX. I feel I am coming off as very cold or mean, largely a side effect of my anger towards her (or myself rather). Deep down, I still love her and miss her. I just don't think things could ever be fixed or rebuilt, and I think the anger is just a way of dealing with that unfortunate reality. I just need to start being more friendly to her because it seems like she is trying her best to be understanding towards me.

Back is also starting to feel better. The hot tub/swimming helped quite a bit. Not quite ready to hit the weights again yet, but in a week or so, I should be ready to start light excercises. The squat rack misses me.

Also reading a great book to pass the time. American Gods by Neil Gaiman. It helps when I don't have S to look after or homework to finish.

Thanks again to anyone taking the time to read this. Goodnight all,
- ship

[MrBond]

I will say that the date thing was a bad idea. You're on the rebound and until you figure things out with yourself, you're just going to carry on your unfinished issues on to someone else.

[mahhhty]

ship - I'm with Mr. Bond. Perhaps you need to really figure out what you want. Do you want to be a person that makes these mistakes again with the next girl? Or do you want to be a person who tries to get back in the ring with the X?

I have been upset & angry too. The key is that I do my best to not show the STBX that side of me no matter what. I have only a couple minutes to show her the best possible characteristics of myself. On the bad days, I focus on the munchkins and am very happy and playful with them at pick up times. On the good days, I will look her in the eyes and converse.

[Vanilla]

Take it easy Ins

There is plenty of time to date!

V

[mahhhty]

9 days MIA.... How are you? Hope all is going well.

[lnlyshp]

9 days MIA.... How are you? Hope all is going well.

Hey mahhhty. I'm doing okay. I think I'm moving to the depression stage of grief. I just haven't had the will to get out there and GAL like I did when she first left. The weather hasn't helped either - snow has been really coming down lately and the roads have been terrible. I've just been burying myself in my classwork and taking care of my son when he is with me.

Tomorrow is the Initial Status Conference. I've been thinking a lot about hope and how, like you explained, it is mine to give up if and when I choose. My concern is that I'm just fooling myself or that I'm in some sort of denial. Feel like she has been very kind to me lately, though - perhaps just her way of being understanding.

Thanks for checking in, friend.