Ganb8te 5 - Escaping the abyss

[gan]

4. Is current strategy not working? For who is it not working? Not working to what end?

It’s been said a lot around these parts that DB may not save our marriages but it will save ourselves. We’ll I feel like I have achieved that. Sure, I still have some days when I am sad, but I know without a doubt that I will be ok regardless of the outcome. I’ve GAL’ed my heart out, worked on areas I know were problems in my M, I have balance in my life that didn’t exist before BD. So for me, the current strategy has worked/is working.

But it doesn’t seem to be bringing my H any closer. The way I see it, there are 3 paths from here:
(A) I can stay in the abyss - keep doing the same thing knowing it is working for me but not necessarily moving H towards me,
or I can try to escape the abyss by
(B) trying a different approach (e.g. initiating more regular contact with H), in which case I risk losing my balance and/or moving H further away (if that's possible); or
(C) by giving up and moving on.

3. Would OW change my feelings on what to do?

I have no proof of OW. What I do know is that at BD H said (from my very first post) if the opportunity were to arise he would like to date other people. At the time H also suggested that we meet every 2 weeks at which point MC called him out for wanting to have his cake and eat it, too. Since then it's pretty much been cold turkey apart from a few meet ups here and there. A confession, perhaps? There are other signs too - he immediately suggested we split finances because he “didn’t want me to see what he was spending it on.”

In the MC session I said I thought that it would be hard to recover from it if he did date, that it would be unfair to me and the OW and that I did not intend to date other people in the short term.

If I knew there was OW then that would rule out (B) - for now at least. I have no interest in interacting with H if he is seeing OW. Would it be a deal breaker? I can’t say. What I can say is that I would be willing to try to do the work to forgive him. OW is a symptom, not the cause. Still, H is a fool for turning away from me rather than towards me to tackle our issues.

1. Am I getting close to being done with waiting around?

Last week yes, this week no. The difference - a mega GAL weekend, filled with a yoga workshop (Maty Ezraty for those in the know!), dining out at awesome restaurants with friends, hanging out at their friend's place overlooking the beach (shrimps did go on the barby). Dating doesn’t seem like such a reach these days. I’m enjoying being more social and meeting new people. I am also curious to know what it would be like to be with someone who took my hand and pulled me into some new adventures.

But I think I should try (B) before I try (C). When I was looking for an IC I explained a little of the circumstance and asked the IC to share their views. The response was "if you have put in 15 years that is a substantial amount and there should be an earnest attempt to make sure that it really is over before you both abandon 'ship' so to speak.” That resonated. I won’t feel like I have made an earnest attempt to make sure it is over until I hear those words from H.

So:
(B) preferable to (C)
(A) preferable to (B) if there is OW, but I won’t know unless I (B) in the initial instance
It’s all pointing to me initiating contact

2. Am I ready to hear the cold truth?

I’m going to take this one on later.