A link for you guys...I find that I do quite a few of those things on the signs and indicators list. I hope that Dustin has someone in his life to encourage him to get help, because I do not need to be in it! I can only hurt him. Here's the link Battered Men
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
Just checking in before I head to the shower before church. I am concerned for you. I have a rather crappy case of PMS right now so I will wait to chat with you until I feel better--both physically and emotionally.
Anyway, I think you've got some good goals to work with.
But for clarification, why are you not contacting Dustin at all? Will Rhane miss talking to him or does he not speak enough to chat on the phone? I just want to make sure that I understand what you need from the no contact rule.
I hope that you find peace in this journey, Myrrh. I really do. I'm glad you understood that dealing with this now is a good idea. You're so young, and you have so much of life ahead of you. I know you don't see it from that perspective, and I can't blame you a bit... but this nearly 42 year old person understands how much life there is to live between the age of 23 and 42. SO MUCH.
You deserve to live it as happily and as productively as possible. It's time to bury the past and put it away once and for all. I'm so glad you made that choice.
((((((((((Myrrh)))))))))))
Find a reason to be nice to yourself today. Understand that no matter how often you want to paint yourself as a bad person here, you're going to find a few of us who refuse to see you that way.
Bets
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Stop it Myrrh. For one, if a man physically strikes a woman, I would want his head on a platter. You know how protective of people I get. (Yes, think back to our first 'putz' posts.) You are not in a position to harm someone the way a man can.
Do not think that I am trying to excuse your behavior. It was wrong. But I do not believe Dustin will see this as a marriage breaker.
Step back, follow Bets advice and do something for YOU today. Get your mind back together. You can't do that dwelling on the past you cannot change.
You have made correcting steps, allow them to develop. That patience thing here. I'm going to pull out the 2x4's next time
ARGH! I am in a really stupid, obstinant place right now, I guess. I called him (darnit) and we arranged that he will pick Rhane up from daycare and keep him Tuesday and Wednesday, and I will pick him up from daycare Thursday night.
I don't think the Incident was the marriage breaker for him, I think it was his own feelings of unhappiness. I have no time left - he is planning on filing right after we file for bankruptcy - the appointment that I have to reschedule is right now on April 17th.
I don't know why the no contact Betsey - I guess I am hoping that if I give him a LOT of space, he will maybe miss me. Maybe that's a stupid thought. He told me today that I could e-mail him, then asked which e-mail address I would be using, my yahoo or hotmail. I guess I don't understand why he is keeping the lines of communication open when he wants a divorce. Maybe he is just trying to be friendly. But I don't know. I think he will file. Cya laters, Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
Okay - end scene of "Myrrh's whining and pity party," take 12.
I am at my home now, not because I went crazy and decided to bust back in on my husband. but because my mom and dad were fighting, and my dad started screaming at me. With S in my arms. Soooo, I called Dustin to make sure it was fine with him, and I drove myself and S back here.
So Dustin will be staying at his shop until he is sure we can be around each other without fighting (or until I get an apt, whichever comes first). I don't think he wants our marriage to be over any more than I do. We weren't ready. I wasn't ready...I was unprepared for the frustrations that we were going to have. Here is a preliminary IC issues list: 1)Out-of-control anger - I want to learn how to feel it without letting it be overwhelming, and to learn how to control it enough so that I choose when to and not to express it. 2)Hypervigilance - my oversensitivity to the moods and emotions of those around me - throwback to my childhood, and it makes it hard for me to hold onto myself when I am around somebody for a while (like my H). I have to be able to hold onto myself while still being close to someone else. 3)Fear of intimacy/closeness - it terrifies me, because historically in my life, closeness=vulnerability=abuse. It is time to put that behind me and teach myself to accept love and love back consistently. This counselor sure has his/her work cut out for them! Lol - I just think I need a trained professional to help guide me along the process of changing. Change is hard, and changing a lifetime of distorted perceptions and ineffective ways of coping takes time and support. But, I know I can do this!
H came home, and I lost sight of me again. And then it all just went out the window. I should have talked to a counselor before we moved back in together. Anyway, hindsight is 20/20, and I am going to take the steps I need NOW to make my life better.
4) (Not really an IC issue, but one for a doctor) Meds - my emotional outbursts/depression/general wackiness and such are worst during PMS time. There are SSRI's specifically prescribed for that, and heck, it never hurts to try, right? As I am working to make changes, it will help, I think, to have the edge taken off the feelings. And since right now sexual side effects aren't really an issue... Anyway, I digress. The above is the plan for now. My dad is a freak, but I don't have to be. I never want to be the cause of the terrified look I saw on my little baby guy's face today. The sickness in my family stops with me.
What did I do for me today? I read some, played outside for quite a while with the little guy - I plan on reading the heck out of my first Diana Gabaldon book tonight. (Thanks again, Bets! She is great!)
I couldn't do this without you guys. Thanks for not whacking me with the 2x4s right off the bat. I always appreciate a gentle hand with that stuff. So, anyway - I am done singing the "Poor Me" song.
I am also planning on taking a rose-scented bubble bath after the munchkin goes to bed tonight. Right now I am going to call my friend M to talk. Love you all, Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
I am sooooo happy you almost, actually you did bring a tear to my eye. I makes me so much more optimistic when good people like you overcome setbacks and continue on the success road.
The limbo I'm in allows me the detachment whether I like it or not, and I become complacent in my own DBing. You people in the day to day trenches deserve so much respect, just because of the 'in your face' stuff everyday.
Glad I decided to check on the bb this afternoon. Things sound better. You sound better. Sorry this situation at your parents isn't better. If memory serves me, they are getting divorced?
Stay put for now. Check out the counseling options and then go from there.
Pattie
When you can't make a decision because you are torn between your heart and your head, listen to the half with the brain.
Dazed - Weeelll - I dunno bout being day-to-day anymore. He won't be sleeping here this evening. On the other hand, niether of us has really moved stuff out yet either.
He and I have talked today, and I asked him if he wanted anything from here, and he said "no." I added "because I assumed you wouldn't be staying here." He replied "I think if I was there, we would fight." And I told him I understood. Then I said, I was going to write this to you in an e-mail, but I am just going to say it. I don't want to fight anymore, but I don't want you out of my life. I am going to get back in counseling and just work on myself." Then we got off the phone fairly quickly, and about thirty minutes later he called to say it looked stormy and asked me to take the garbage out. It was kind of a long message...well, anyway - I believe that I will be sleeping alone again for a while, but I am not going to do anything drastic just yet. I am just going to "be." Going to work, taking the kiddo to daycare, reading fabulously long fiction books, taking bubble baths, talking to friends on the phone. I am not as scared this time, no matter what happens. I just know what I am going to do for myself. I only have one life, so I am going to live it. Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
We can't correct this misstep overnight. Stop and realize that a few months ago, Dustin would have not handled this as well. I'm going to go with what I said yesterday. Hubby is scared, let him go into his cave and deal with this his own way. Your relationship is stronger now than before. Continue to become the W hubby can't live without.
Anyway, I digress.