Wife Walked Away 10 Weeks Ago

[25yearsmlc]

Hi AJ and Everyone!

AJ, I decided it was not a good idea to have flowers sent to my wife.

I haven't been logged into the forum much lately and keep forgetting to answer about what AJ just asked (others have asked, too):

"How did you break her heart? THAT is the type of information we need to best advise you. Otherwise we are in the dark about what the "real" problems are, to HER."

I broke my wife's heart as follows (in the last year or so):

1. When she tried to share her heart with me, I would respond either defensively or in anger.

How will you react differently, from this day forward?

2. I became critical of her.

How will this change? It's Not a small thing, btw.

3. My wife felt I was smothering her. I worried too much about her driving when not feeling well (again, she has MS).

What's different in your attitude, now? I mean, she still have MS and eventually it could worsen. How are you going to refrain from taking over?

4. I started making more and more household decisions without considering my wife's opinion.

See above.

5. I broke my promise to her not to bring up an incident that happened in 2009 (she walked out on me then, but did not file for divorce.)

Hmm, I would think she's got double the fears of you throwing this episode in her face, now.

If you refused to let go of the past then, why wouldn't you do the same thing now?

It's ironic too. She left you before, for pretty much the same exact reasons that she left you this past year.

So instead of you taking the opportunity to make AND keep your changes going, the changes that pushed her out the door, you made it as if you were the "victim". AND you blamed her for it as if she wronged you, and you brought it up repeatedly, even after she asked you to stop.

(Are you sure it's you who has the trust issue, and not her?)


6. I became very self-absorbed.

How so? And how are you different now?

7. At times, I was angry, harsh or mean with my words to her.

Okay, so your ill wife, who will likely increase in her needs, was the target of your abuse, temper and criticism.

That would be a bitter pill to swallow if one must contemplate that their illness is likely to progress...along with their needs.

Can you honestly work on NOT doing any of those things, from this day forward?
That is a minimum.

Also Have you ever apologized to her for the specific things you want to own?

(If not, please post your ideas here before writing or talking to her about it, b/c there are ways to do it and surely many ways NOT to. Make sense?


8. My [b]wife suggested several times I speak with a therapist because[/b] I was under tremendous stress. Deep down, I thought she was on to something, but I felt I could handle it on my own. BIG mistake!


You say you were under tremendous stress" but life throws curve balls all the time, so it's a given that stress WILL happen again.

How are you going to manage it better?

If she knows you are in therapy, and she is glad, then just BE CALMER and MORE UPBEAT every single time you two interact. Don't backslide.




How am I working on myself?

The very week she left, I started going to counseling twice a week, and still do.

What are you learning in there? What are you working on? Are you changing? how so?

I made an appoinment with a pyschiatrist and was diagnosed with a mild anxiety disorder. He prescribed a few mild meds and I take them daily as prescribed. I feel like my head is much clearer - except for the fact I miss my lovely wife.

This ^^ is all good, but somehow I'm struck by the impression that you are minimizing things here. Just a hunch. What do you think? You think your wife left b/c you have a "mild" anxiety problem?


I also attend a divorce support group at a local church.

I have volunteered serveral times to assist "Feed My Starving Children." It is a great organization and makes me feel so good helping others without expecting anything in return.


^^ All sounds great.


I used to play/coach ice hockey. I have started skating again and have placed my name on a coaching waiting list at a local rink.

I rarely contact my wife. When I do, I try to be humorous and not discuss our issues or the future. If she gets upset about something I always do my best to "take the high road."

What does this^^ mean? Examples?

I meditate daily and have discovered that it really helps me focus on thinking positive, rather than negative thoughts.


Makes sense to me.

If there's a genuine reason to compliment my wife, I do. I don't think I overdo it, making it look like a measure to win her love back. (I used to compliment her often during our marriage, too.)

I understand that you don't want to over do it. But is it unreasonable to compliment your wife? What do you mean "IF there is a genuine reason"?

it costs you nothing. If you have read the "Five Love Languages" book (by Chapman), I wonder if you can tell us what you think HER Love languages are.

How does she SHOW her love and how does she Receive it?


I admit I'm tired now -- I'm probably forgetting something.

I'll be online again soon.

Take care all -- this forum is a place filled with so much love and support!

Thank you all so much.

Bob

Good luck Bob. I hope this wasn't too harsh but I have to sometimes go with my hunches. And I have a hunch that you are glossing over too many things.

Dig deep and be brave. It's hard to do but having your marriage end when you want it to last, is harder.