Wife Walked Away 10 Weeks Ago

[25yearsmlc]

AJ,

Thank you so, so much for posting the link to Denver_2010's posts.

I also want to thank you for taking an interest in my sitch.

You have an excellent point about whether or not I could trust her again. I think about it often, at this point I think I can but tomorrow I may feel differently.

I hope you are hanging in there AJ!

Bob

I guess the bigger and more relevant question at this point, is how she could trust you to make AND keep the changes going.

According to her AND you, you start a lot of arguments, you don't seem able to stop them even when she asks you to wait til later, you use stress as an excuse to be critical and harp on her, and you tend to take over her decisions. Since life always presents us with stress, what guarantee would she have that the next time you are stressed, you won't make her miserable again?

I understand that stress also exacerbates MS symptoms. So maybe she feels she must do this self preservation act of leaving.

The behaviors you admit to having, would be a drag to any woman. What are you doing to change THOSE things?

Also, given your history of throwing her past actions in her face, seems to me the trust question is misplaced. I mean, isn't the problem with bringing up the past just going to continue if you keep harping about your trust for HER? Isn't that an exact replica of behavior she cannot stand?

Plus, what's to trust? She tried to get you to stop arguing the night before she left recently, but it was the exact same reason she gave for leaving you in 2009.

So from her perspective, nothing changed in you, and lasted. Do you get that?

You repeated the very same behavior that got her to leave before. So, it's you who tends to not keep your promises. Doesn't she have a legit reason to not trust you?

Rather than nagging you about it, I'd just repeat my earlier advice and again suggest you GAL, learn to Detach, be upbeat and positive.

Dependence on her isn't an attractive or healthy trait, so when you post, notice how much of your focus is on HER and Not on your own life.

When she calls, you must be like a man who is busy GAL, on your way to meet an interesting new person, or do a cool new activity or explore a new beautiful place.

Always presenting as a man interested in life, and interestING to be around. A guy any woman would want to be around. A good catch. Know this and project it, and be confident without being cocky.

She will notice more, what you do not point out. May seen paradoxical, but it's true.

You may also have to "fake it til you make it" but that's typical.

I recommend 2 TEDTALK videos too. One is by Amy Cuddy and the other is by Shawn Achor, and both are about the power of positive thinking. It's NOT BS. It's based on actual data.

One novel concept is that

** instead of waiting to feel an emotion - and then acting based on it,

behave in a new positive way, and THEN the emotions supporting it, will come.**

Someone asked me here about what I did to "get" my h to notice. I did not do anything to get him to notice. Sort of the opposite.

I just really began to assume my m was going to end but I had arrived at a place inside, that believed that my m would likely end, but I'd be just fine anyhow.

I listed some positives of h being gone (less tension in the home, more "chick flicks" seen, no more toilet seats left up, easier dinners, etc.) Sure, at first the list was just about small things but that still helped. Later, the list included more important issues and bigger factors that made my life easier, yet without h.

When that^^ really sinks in, it tends to radiate from within. You project more inner peace.

I applied for some one year assignments overseas, which my d's were fine with. I saw that H noticed, though I had not pointed it out to him.

I saw that h noticed when I seemed happier, and I stopped showing almost any anger around him. (Thanks to my DB coach, who was a true Godsend to me).

(I forced myself to get/act a lot more positive around h and then in time, I just felt more positive for real.)

Back then was the first time I'd ever thought about where I wanted to live, without worrying about what h wanted.

I joined things, and (my GAL list is here on this thread I think. It's long.)

I volunteered, I auditioned for plays and shows in live theater. Took lessons, and I met NEW people and did new things and pretty much made myself happier.

This^^ is really the only way I know to learn how to Detach. Plus, GAL helps a lot with the obsessing behaviors. The constant preoccupation with what THEY are doing/planning/feeling/thinking... is not healthy. And it's counter productive.

There's nothing more preoccupying than flying lessons and or theater. (It is almost impossible to worry about your spouse when you are piloting a plane at 7500 ft, or rehearsing for a live performance, you know?)

Anyhow, Bob, you need to dig deep and really address those anger issues and the desire to control her. Have you?

Have you looked up that personal growth workshop "Essential Experience"? I think I suggested it to you. It's in Philadelphia, and they have a website. Anyhow, it's a 4 day workshop that is life changing. (I mean that literally).

A 4 day workshop that for ME, was like 3 years of therapy in one long weekend. Huge changes came from doing that workshop. So check out their website. (I think there is actually one this month, & they only offer them a few times a year.)
Let me know about your inquiry if you make one.

Otherwise, I can only suggest you work harder on GAL and not obsessing about her so much. As for "how" to influence her or show her your changes when there is no contact, It's not easy but since it's not supposed to be about showing them, you have to let go of it. They usually have to contact you for some things. And in those few minutes of interaction, you make the most of them.


Maybe you can think of the situation this way.

This is an "exercise" of sorts. Here it is:

Imagine she had passed away and years had passed. Imagine that

your grief had mostly passed...and that you are now happy, content, at peace.

What would that look like? What would you be doing?

You'd be Living where? Would you have a new job? What is that like?

Would you travel more? What about a new hobby? Or class?

Would you exercise more, or get a different hair color/style? In other words, how would you look?

Flesh out the situation in your head.

What would your life be like without her, but with you being happy?

Details.....details....get the images clear in your head.

And now see, what of those^^ things, you can do now?