Okay - end scene of "Myrrh's whining and pity party," take
12.

I am at my home now, not because I went crazy and decided to bust back in on my husband. but because my mom and dad were fighting, and my dad started screaming at me. With S in my arms. Soooo, I called Dustin to make sure it was fine with him, and I drove myself and S back here.

So Dustin will be staying at his shop until he is sure we can be around each other without fighting (or until I get an apt, whichever comes first). I don't think he wants our marriage to be over any more than I do. We weren't ready. I wasn't ready...I was unprepared for the frustrations that we were going to have.
Here is a preliminary IC issues list:
1)Out-of-control anger - I want to learn how to feel it without letting it be overwhelming, and to learn how to control it enough so that I choose when to and not to express it.
2)Hypervigilance - my oversensitivity to the moods and emotions of those around me - throwback to my childhood, and it makes it hard for me to hold onto myself when I am around somebody for a while (like my H). I have to be able to hold onto myself while still being close to someone else.
3)Fear of intimacy/closeness - it terrifies me, because historically in my life, closeness=vulnerability=abuse. It is time to put that behind me and teach myself to accept love and love back consistently.
This counselor sure has his/her work cut out for them! Lol - I just think I need a trained professional to help guide me along the process of changing. Change is hard, and changing a lifetime of distorted perceptions and ineffective ways of coping takes time and support. But, I know I can do this!

H came home, and I lost sight of me again. And then it all just went out the window. I should have talked to a counselor before we moved back in together. Anyway, hindsight is 20/20, and I am going to take the steps I need NOW to make my life better.

4) (Not really an IC issue, but one for a doctor) Meds - my emotional outbursts/depression/general wackiness and such are worst during PMS time. There are SSRI's specifically prescribed for that, and heck, it never hurts to try, right? As I am working to make changes, it will help, I think, to have the edge taken off the feelings. And since right now sexual side effects aren't really an issue... Anyway, I digress.
The above is the plan for now. My dad is a freak, but I don't have to be. I never want to be the cause of the terrified look I saw on my little baby guy's face today. The sickness in my family stops with me.

What did I do for me today? I read some, played outside for quite a while with the little guy - I plan on reading the heck out of my first Diana Gabaldon book tonight. (Thanks again, Bets! She is great!)

I couldn't do this without you guys. Thanks for not whacking me with the 2x4s right off the bat. I always appreciate a gentle hand with that stuff. So, anyway - I am done singing the "Poor Me" song.

I am also planning on taking a rose-scented bubble bath after the munchkin goes to bed tonight. Right now I am going to call my friend M to talk.
Love you all,
Myrrh

One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.