I'm doing, good - thanks for asking. I am long overdue for an update.
The last month we have made a lot of progress. She has continued to see her IC and it is making a difference with the trauma from her childhood that went unrecognized and unmanaged in her life (and our marriage). She has been doing EMDR for a few months now - if you don't know what it is, Google it - it has been helpful for both of us. I have done it as well as part of my self-care and moving forward.
Things are by no means perfect, but after this journey I am forced to ask are they ever? Ya know? But we are really showing up differently in the relationship for sure. The odd part is, I now find myself in the role of the person wondering if her change is real and lasting - ironic as a former LBS, no? But in my weaker moments I really do try to assume positive intent on her end.
Couples therapy has been helpful. She was on the brink of giving it up not too long ago because I talked a lot about the things that went on that really hurt me, or things that I was still struggling with. She felt like I was blaming her for things - I know that I wasn't - I just needed to get things that were on the inside for so long out. I guess it was hard for her to hear or internalize. Still, I know that a large component of that is how we both maintain relatively different views on how we split. There are things we agree upon about the past, but still there are things that we do not see in the same light. Mostly about how she felt that for the longest time I was angry, lashing out and hateful. If you read up on my situation that lasted maybe for a month or two while I was here but went away rather quickly once I started looking at myself and my role. It's amazing how one person can try to be one thing and another person sees it as the exact opposite. Sometimes her interpretations of me from back then (or at least how she remembers it) are really hurtful and distorted, but I can't do a thing about it. Furthermore, why bother even trying to solve for it? It's a road to nowhere and moving forward and agreeing on "from this day forward" issues mean a lot more to me right now than trying to clear the road from a car crash 3,000 miles behind me on the path I am on.
25 - you asked about the embryo. I am ready to talk about it now. Some time ago, we went all in and tried to use it. Shots, Dr. visits - everything. I'll spare the lead-up and details, but she was pregnant for two days and then lost it. She was devastated and very opened up. It was that pain that triggered the memories of her abuse and landed her in IC. So no more embryos. That ship has sailed.
I will say this as a PSA for folks here, though. There is a very strong correlation between SSRIs (I know a lot of us here are leaning on them) and fertility issues. specifically, sperm quality. I was on them long before we started trying (20 mg of prozac) and I had issues with volume, count, morphology (shape) and motility (swimming ability). ALL of those issues are documented as problems caused by SSRIs. I am off of them now for quite a few months (and doing great!) and I am almost certain there have been improvements on all of those fronts. Again - I am not a doctor, but look it up -- it's legit. If you are on them and hoping to have a baby one day, talk to your doctor.
Anyhoo....we are good. Even hanging out with my parents from time to time. My relationship there is different, too. Hard for them, but I think they get it. Much more to say, but I have to bail and pick her up from yoga. S and I are sitting here at a coffee shop like a bunch of hipsters.
